First post & feeling this place out with song lyrics

shortcat1 · Post by **shortcat1** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:56 pm

My son-in-law Pedro, a very talented and creative musician, suggested that I try coming into this discussion group for criticism of my attempts at song writing.

You won't likely find me doing much in the way of suggestions of other people's work... I don't feel competently comfortable to do so. What does a relative beginner have to offer to someone who's been doing this a long time? Maybe I'm wrong in that way. I have been writing songs for a year or two. I do have a half dozen or so that are, to my satisfaction, pretty well complete. There's also several others that are in varying stages of completion. I don't aim for 'commerciality' in these songs. They're primarily vehicles for creative personal expression.

In any case, I'm trying to write an acapella song using only word pictures and dealing with sensual perceptions of nature around us and how we relate to it (activities, clothing, etc.) It's something I've been wanting to try for a while. I don't know what kind of input one can give with regards to this based solely on the lyrics as written so far. You'll notice four verses, one for each season and, between the verses, an unfinished idea of what my 'choruses' would be like. If you have ideas about the choruses, I'm all eyes. By the way, I'm not satisfied with the title. It's too banal and stilted.

SEASONS

1. Longer days and warming rays, melting snows and overflows,
Rain on mud, new green buds, bulbs abound in thawing ground,
Plowing, tilling, planting, sowing, plants and plans anew and growing,
Balmy breezes, misty clouds, rainbow pigments, bright and proud.

Such are springtime’s offerings,
And the promises it brings
Are reminders of renewal
Signs of the hope in the Lord,
Signs of the hope in the Lord.

2. Sunsets bright and humid nights, sudden showers, glistening flowers,
Picnic baskets on beach blankets, birds in flight mid floating kites,
Running, biking, swimming, camping, cottage porches, weekend traveling,
Southern winds in bright blue skies, cotton clouds and seagull cries.

Such are summer’s offerings,
And the promises it brings
Are reminders of growth
Signs of joy in the Lord,
Signs of joy in the Lord.

3. Shorter days and cooling sprays, harvest moon, birds leaving soon,
Umbrellas, hats and overcoats, puddles deep like castle-moats,
Hunting, fishing, nature hiking, orchard harvests, pumpkin carving,
Greens & reds & golds & browns, tired leaves on covered ground.

Such are autumn’s offerings,
And the promises it brings
Are reminders of maturity
Signs of trust in the Lord,
Signs of trust in the Lord.

4. Cold-heart sun, day too soon done, icy breeze through barren trees,
Parkas, snowboots, mitts and tuques, heavy snowfalls, sudden squalls,
Skiing, sliding, shoveling, blowing, hockey games and sofa snuggling,
Northern Lights so Christmas bright, twinkling stars in frigid night.

Such are winter’s offerings,
And the promises it brings
Are reminders of renewal
Signs of peace in the Lord,
Signs of peace in the Lord.

I notice that I don't have anything about the senses of smell and taste in there. I'll likely revise some of the lyrics to take that in

By the way, how does one attach things to these posts. I could have attached .jpg images of the song, melody & lyrics as written on a 'staff' format.

burpo · Post by **burpo** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 8:30 pm

Okay.

First off, welcome to the forum!!

Secondly, you don't have to be Diane Warren to help others.
We are peers here. You have a valuable opinion. You buy
records and watch movies. You can say "Hey, that lyric doesn't make
sense to me." or "I'd buy that!"

Thirdly, If you're feeling out of place, it's because posts like this go
in a thread called "Lyric Lovers."

Regarding your title, Robin Frederick, who serves as Taxi's resident
expert on songs used in movies and TV says that a title should capture
the emotion of the song.

Your lyrics are positive... nice message!
But they do read as a rather exhaustive... list.
Singing this might be a bit daunting.

Also, you need not attach photos or screenshots or puppets to your post(s).
Your lyrics are plenty and should stand on their own.

Hope this helps!!

cardell · Post by **cardell** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:02 pm

Welcome to the forum!

I enjoyed that, but it felt much more like a poem than a lyric...to me anyway.

I've recently started working with poets on Soundcloud, creating Spokenword Beat & Dub Poetry tracks from their peoms. I've really been enjoying it.

Here's one I recently finished: http://soundcloud.com/cardell/vsob-wip
And here's one I'm working on now: http://soundcloud.com/cardell/citizen-gee-remix/s-VT9u3

...might be a good option...

Stuart

pedrocosta · Post by **pedrocosta** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 9:39 am

Hi Michel,
Welcome to the forum

mojobone · Post by **mojobone** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 2:42 pm

Welcome to the forum, Michel! Given that your piece is meant to be spoken, the poetic/non-lyrical aspects are not a problem, imo. I think you might use "tramping" for "traveling" in the second stanza, to preserve your meter and rhyme scheme, if you feel the meter isn't too rigid and clocklike already. I also believe the hat you refer to is spelled tocque, btw.

Where I live, we definitely have seasons, but they're seldom so sharply delineated; I once saw an inch of snow on the ground on July 3rd, here in Indiana, and it was 57 degrees in February, more than once. (including last week)

The lists of activities don't engage my senses, (good call) nor my emotions, which is maybe a bigger problem; without some musical underscore, this spoken piece might not have any real punch or emotion. It's very well-crafted, but doesn't engage the listener in quite the way that Harry Chapin' Circle or Shel Silverstein's Time do, even without the music. Of course, those guys are legends, already, heh.

Maybe there's an approach that'll make the listener feel the chill of winter, the dread/regret of fall, spring's sense of possibility, etc. without resorting to musical accompaniment; it's a tall order, but I bet you're up to it.

shortcat1 · Post by **shortcat1** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 5:59 am

Sorry for taking so long to answer. I was onto other family-related stuff and, when I came back, believe it or not, I couldn't find the 'Reply' button. The other forums to which I belong all have the button in question at the bottom of the page.

Thank you all for your input.

Thank you for your encouragement, Burpo. I'm still awed by the whole creative process (in whatever form it takes) so I have great respect for each and every one who does it. My outlook is that "Wow. That's wonderful that you can do this." I'm aware of comparative levels of quality (eg: Lennon & McCartney vs most any pop/rock stuff before them and much of it after them) so I'll try to be 'helpful' too.

Thanks Cardell for the 'soundcloud' idea. I've seen examples of it with Pedro's music but didn't it didn't click with regards to my own usage. I'll have to check it out. As to having my 'songsheets' made available for viewing, I could, I suppose, make .jpg versions of them and post them in photobucket or something like that.

Thanks for the welcome, Pedro. Your creative work is impressive to say the least.

Mojobone, I thank you for your suggestions regarding the wording of the 'poem'. You're right - meter & rhyme are very important in the flow of lyrics, especially in the construction of a song. As to 'traveling' vs 'tramping' (which I kind of like with regards to imagery), the word 'traveling' would be pronounced 'trav'ling'.
Also, 'tuque' & 'toque' are variations of the spelling of the word. 'Tuque' is probably more Canadian... I guess.
In my lyrics, I wasn't looking to make fall & winter to have 'regret' and 'chill' (in a negative sense) be the focus. I was looking more to the idea that the things that we sense about those seasons are or can be pointers to the gifts & promises God has for us. Nevertheless, I'll look at the words again to see if I can make the 'chill' come out more in winter.

Thanks all. I look forward to more interactions, including being a help to you guys too - I hope.

(Boy, in my computer, the text box sure reacts weirdly.)

shortcat1 · Post by **shortcat1** » Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:02 am

Hi again.

Here's a fairly final result to the efforts of composing the song in question: I've included images of the lyrics sheets.

Keep in mind that this is supposed to be an acapella piece. The chords included are only there as guidelines for the harmonies that could be constructed by the singers in a group (as in our church group 'W7' who are very good at improvising four part harmonies).

There's still room and time for some more fine tuning but the final product should be pretty much as you see it here.

mojobone · Post by **mojobone** » Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:45 pm

I bow to your superior Canadianship-ism; I'd always heard it pronounced like the "U" in "juke" but have never seen it spelled with a "u".