Song concept... Just a verse and chorus but...

[Casey H]

I removed this... Put up a re-write on peer-to-peer.

[Casey H]

Thanks Nick! I appreciate your input!

Best,
Casey

[Casey H]

I need to work on that formatting, huh?

Will do better next time.

You work on the formatting, I'll work on the lyrics!

[Len911]

Hey Casey. I was wondering how you were going to pull off the word "emptiest", doesn't seem like a very singable word, but you made it work. "mug of coffee" is in the position to seem like it is somehow significant. Greasy truck or "roach coach"?, it seems more in context in the style and directness of the lyrics. I see you changed "tv shows" to "sports" which I think is an improvement. I'm wondering if a longer pause before the last line of "is not to share my day with you" might give it a little more impact?
I get it! The imagery is clear, the concept clever. I am wondering if it works so well as a chorus though, you would lose the twist or surprise the second or more time around. What about a bridge before what you are calling a chorus, make it an aaba, and have the chorus become the last verse? The bridge could take the song somewhere else and break what you call the "mundane" or monotony?
I think you already started on the bridge with "And I came home". Take us there with all of what might be going on before it leaves us to the final verse with the twist. Some kind of busyness at home to offer contrast to the verses? I'll leave the ideas and lyrics to you, and shut up now,lol!

[cardell]

This doesn't work for me I'm sorry Casey (you know I'm a fan).

You just described a REALLY boring day, and then you talk about wanting to share such boredom with someone...

...is that why she left? ...sorry.

Stuart

[Len911]

This doesn't work for me I'm sorry Casey (you know I'm a fan).

You just described a REALLY boring day, and then you talk about wanting to share such boredom with someone...

...is that why she left? ...sorry.

Stuart

She left??

Stuart, that's the whole point,lol! It's about sharing. Someone that is really interested in someone IS interested in the small, boring, mundane, truthful details about someone. If you have to bull and brag, or tell riveting stories to someone you are supposedly intimate with to keep them from nodding off, they're probably not that close or intimate. Though personally, it's refreshing for strangers to give boring glimpses of their personality and character than to hear them brag about how great they and their children are!lol!

[Casey H]

This doesn't work for me I'm sorry Casey (you know I'm a fan).

You just described a REALLY boring day, and then you talk about wanting to share such boredom with someone...

...is that why she left? ...sorry.

Stuart

Hey Stuart
Thanks for chiming in. The very reason I posted the lyrics was I was having doubts myself whether the verse was too mundane for concept. (Yes, she left me 'cos I was boring her to death with the details of my 'nothing' day ) ... Re-thinking it (No, THAT won't be in the song )

Len-- I acutally wanted to use "roach coach" but it was much harder to phrase and sing.

Appreciate the feedback!

Casey

[Casey H]

Does it help if I involve HER in those 'mundane' lyrics? For example...

THE EMPTIEST FEELING (c) 2012 CPH... Do Not Steal

VERSE
It was a day like any other day
I drove to work with a mug of coffee
The pan handling man was out there
(You would laugh/You’d be mad) ‘cos I dropped him a dollar

Got my lunch from the greasy truck outside
Got the scoop on the chick who quit last week
You met her at the picnic
Said her hair was way too twisted

And I came home

CHORUS
The emptiest feeling in the world
The coldest lonely feeling in my bones
Is not to share my day with you

Casey

[Mark Kaufman]

Hate to tell you this, but your most critical line is a grammatical mistake--which is often perfectly okay to do, but only when it's on purpose...and I don't think this was on purpose...

Is not to share my day with you

should be

Is to not share my day with you

...which doesn't really work. I think I would try to find a stronger way of delivering this hook...a better image maybe. Something about the empty room, or house, or bed, maybe. I always loved how Joni Mitchell put it: "the bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide". She has those pictures for us to embrace. I'd try to make more of that happen on your chorus.

[Casey H]

Thanks Mark
I think you get away with grammatical liberties if other things are OK, but as you said other things are not... The hook line doesn't bother me as much as the lack of something leading up to it along the lines of the images you mentioned. A pre-c, for example, that prepares the listener for the chorus, might help.

Anyway, I appreciate your input -- I take EVERYTHING in... Sometimes I throw it all away and start again... Sometimes I carve and carve. Posting so early seems to have helped a lot!

Best,
Casey