What You Do

[tessbmusic]

I posted this already in the peer to peer, but I've just been working on the lyrics to it and have come up with some alterations and additions:

It didn't take very long
A couple months maybe more
Part of me knew all along
It was too good to be true

I've thought of getting you back
Yeah I'll admit to that, but
Things start to creep out of the black
When you torch down in the dark

True what you do to me
It's so debilitating
True what you do to me
It's true what you do to me
It's so intoxicating

Bent over backwards for you
Just wanted things to work out, Tried 
To see from your point of view, but
Did you do that for me?

I know intentions were good
But I think you should take some time
To understood yourself
Wasn't just me that got burned



Here's my demo of the song (with some older lyrics):
http://soundcloud.com/tessdrafts/what-you-do

[Casey H]

Hi Tess
You have some good ideas here and I love your voice on the music clip.

One thing to think about (can't say I'm SURE here) is if there are too many mixed messages in the storytelling... "Too good to be true" and "good intentions" sound like you were treated very positively but "Did you do that for me?" (in the context) sounds negative. So, at times I'm confused as to the message. Pop songs like this tend to be fairly simple in how and what they say.

"When you torch down in the dark" felt awkward to me... Maybe something simpler about being alone in bed in the dark? (Unless there is common slang I'm not familiar with as an old fart )

I recall reading comments on the music on another thread and I agree that the chorus here sounds more like pre-chorus (a very good one!) and you need a stronger chorus/hook.

Best,
Casey

[tessbmusic]

Hey Casey. Thanks for all your feedback on my work.

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree, as I often seem to on here.

... but I'm not really sure where to start. The main idea behind this song is supposed to be an "I was blind but now I can see" sort of thing. And that's what the "too good to be true" thing was about, it felt good but there was always this niggling feeling that something wasn't quite right - and it wasn't until we broke up that I could see clearly what was going on. That's what the "torch down in the dark" line is about. It's a metaphor for a break up - a fire. I was tempted to rhyme dark with spark earlier in that verse but i couldn't think of a good enough line... but yeah the imagery is supposed to be saying - our break up was a fire in a dark space, and when the fire blazed it lit up the surroundings so i could see what was really going on. I've asked around and people seemed to get that's what I meant, but I *was* concerned that it wasn't clear enough, coz i really like that imagery. And, as for the 'intentions were good' bit... well, yeah, just because someone has good intentions doesn't mean they can't hurt someone. And it seems really one sided not to acknowledge that the pain inflicted wasn't deliberate... which I elaborate on by saying that they should take some time to understand themselves better to avoid causing more people pain.

Anyway - I realise that's a lot. And it's probably not putting me in a good light explaining it. But I was trying to be very clear in my writing this time.

As for the chorus sounding like a pre-chorus. I really don't understand that! Maybe it's my choice of end chords that has ended up sounding suspenseful to some of you? It really confuses me that some of you are saying it doesn't sound like a chorus.

[Len911]

Tessb, love the song and your superb singing! I'm an old fart also and googled "torch down", I thought it was modern slang, all I found was that there was a torch down roofing process. I understand that you like the torch down line, so I would suggest to make it a little clearer maybe changing the line before, "things start to creep out of the black" to a word like epiphany or revelation out of the black or something synonymous. You could also eliminate the non-rhyming word "but" in the line before that.
A couple of months is a very short amount of time to an old fart like myself, but I can understand it being a long time for the young, contemporary audience the song is intended,lol! You've really done a fantastic job, kudos! I enjoyed your song very much!!

[Len911]

oh, forgot. No, I don't think the chorus is a chorus, it's a bridge that needs another verse after it. aaba form. The bridge is so good though, I would even do the bridge again after the last verse, so really essentially making it an aabab.

edited, to say that I got confused after reading the lyrics where the actual song was. It looks like you have not only another verse, but another after. I would drop the final verse for the repeat of the bridge.

[Casey H]

Tess
Everything depends on what your goal is for a song. Writing for your own CDs or your own pleasure is different than writing for commercial success.

*IF* pitching to publishers, libraries, labels, etc is your goal, I think you need to change your lyrical approach somewhat.

Overall, I think it's hard to really 'get' what the song is about. The rule of thumb in Songwriting 101 is, "If you have to explain it that hard, it ain't working".

Best of luck!
Casey