Hi Jon,jonathansorensen wrote:Hi Steve, sorry it took me a while to get back. By light I meant maybe too sweet, maybe overshooting something good but still solid. The porcelain line is really brilliant so for me I just wanted the good version to be a description that is as powerful and fluffy didn't get it for me. However, you know how individual and personal responses are to certain words so, I know my response isn't necessarily common. But again, I think it's a really original lyric. Kudos.simonsays wrote:jonathansorensen wrote:I like this lyric. It's quite visual and visceral.
In your 2nd addition: "I asked her once,
2 "How do you get that, cold white porcelain skin?"
3 she just smiled and said, "Hell ... it's easy"
4 " I never let the light come in!"
Those lines really resonate with the overall idea of this beautiful, angelic woman who's actually dangerous.
The second section isn't bad, just doesn't seem like it fits into the dark poetry of the rest of the lyric. This is a really interesting lyric. Sexy and dark at the same time.
The line you're working with "buttery/fluffy" is a really important moment to define the image of this woman. It doesn't seem like you've nailed it yet. I get the dangerous vision of her but the day image doesn't seem to click. Maybe it's too light?
Anyway, hope that helps. I'd love to hear the tune when you get it nailed down.
Best,
Jon
Hi Jon,
1st off, thank you for taking time to offer your thoughts here!
By second section ... are you referring to my second verse ... or the second part of my revised first verse, that I brainstormed the other day?
At the moment I'm pretty happy with 'fluffy' for her good day image description. I think it's a definite improvement word and concept wise over 'buttery'!
I'm not sure how you're using the word 'light' in "Maybe it's too light?". Did you mean too good? ( as in the opposite of dark/evil), or too light ... (as in light hearted?), or something else entirely?
Steve
Best,
Jon
Jon and Mike ... thanks for pushing me to do better. I really appreciate that!
As you may, or may not, have noticed -- I edited the 'soft and buttery' part. 
I think I held off doing that with the 'fluffy' part, because subsconciously I knew it wasn't a great fit. a good fit yes ... but still not just right. The only thing I'm vexed at now with, is the loss of the (soft - hot) rhyme. I tried substituting (soft) and then (softly) for the (so), but those both seemed too forced sounding to me ... and a mismatch syllable wise with the next line to boot! I also considered changing (hot) to (hued), but I feel I'd be losing too much of the 'heat' part that way. Jon, Mike, (or anyone else) ... any thoughts on these changes and possible changes?Steve
That, and I love using words in creative ways. Hopefully it's not too strange for people to swallow. )
) (I do love them twists!)