Workin' On Ok

[PENKSLYRICS]

Wanted some feedback on these. Mainly does the chorus work or is it too long.

Roger

WORLD ON MY SOULDER
DAY IN ‘N’ DAY OUT
SOMETIMES IT’S HARD
TO KEEP THINGS IN SIGHT
TRYING TO CONFINE
A LIFE FULL OF DOUBT
AIN’T GONNA GIVE IN
WITHOUT A FIGHT
FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES I
WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT
BUT FAR UP AHEAD
I CAN SEE A LIGHT

SO!

(CHORUS)

I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
LITTLE BY LITTLE
FROM DAY TO DAY
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
DON’T WANT IT LIKE THIS
WHEN I’M OLD AND GREY
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
SLOWLY BUT SURELY
FINDING MY WAY

SOMETIMES LIFE’S ROUTINE
SEEMS TO BE A CHORE
BUT I KEEP RETURNING
AGAIN AND AGAIN
SO GIVE ME SOME TIME
I NEED TO EXPLORE
ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS
I SEEK NOW AND THEN
IN RETURN I ASK
A CERTAIN RAPPORT
ONE DAY I’LL SUCCEED
BUT I CAN’T SAY WHEN

SO!

(CHORUS)

(SOLO)

LIFE JUST SEEMS TO HEAD
DOWN A ONE WAY STREET
BUT I’LL FIND A WAY
IF I PUSH AND SHOVE
WITH LIFE’S PROBLEMS I
KNOW I MUST COMPETE
BUT EACH NEW DAY’S JUST
A LABOUR OF LOVE
CAUSE I’M NOT THE KIND
TO DISCLOSE DEFEAT
WON’T WASTE MY TIME ON
WHAT’S UNWORTHY OF

SO!

(CHORUS X 2)

WORKIN’ ON OK

(REPEAT TILL FADE)

[mikeShort]

I really like the chorus a lot, and along with it the concept of the song.

I think the verses are broad generalities that don't help me get close to why the singer feels he is in this position in the first place. Without that, it's hard for me to identify with the singer. "Life is hard" has been said a million times. There is nothing in the song to help me understand why life is particularly hard for the singer. I would like that. I essentially made the same comment on the Sound of the Dobro: songs work better when the verses show us, rather than tell us. If you're not getting what I mean, look at the verse to Tattoos on the Town by Jason Aldean, ot the verses to Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats.

I think I write good verses but I write lousy choruses, so I'm jealous of your chorus. This song has a lot of potential if you can show us where the singer is, and why it's important for the singer to "work on OK."

[burpo]

I agree with Mike.

Good concept! Good Chorus. Verses would benefit from some revamping.

[inga]

-suggest change to-

WORLD ON MY SOULDER
-"h" in shoulder-
- world on my shoulderS. yes i know you meant shoulder but try it as shoulderS. -

DAY IN ‘N’ DAY OUT
-day in day out-


SOMETIMES IT’S HARD
- sometimes hard-

TO KEEP THINGS IN SIGHT
- -

TRYING TO CONFINE
- -

A LIFE FULL OF DOUBT
-life full of doubt-

AIN’T GONNA GIVE IN
-but not gonna give in-

WITHOUT A FIGHT
-not without fight -

FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES I
-sometimes feel -

WANNA SCREAM AND SHOUT
-wanna scream, shout-

BUT FAR UP AHEAD
-but far ahead -

I CAN SEE A LIGHT
- i can see light -

[inga]

I CAN SEE A LIGHT
- i see light -

[RonKujawa]

You have a good concept and I like your chorus.

I also agree with Mike that I'm having trouble identifying with the singer.

I could be totally wrong on this, but on my first read of the chorus, it seems to be broken into three phrases. My initial reaction was that two or four would make more sense. However, it's hard to tell without being set to music.

Ron

[Denziel]

Good Concept,

Verses are crasse, They tell us nothing, I want to see and here

New lines something that excites me, Re Write and Re Write

But think about what you are doing from a wider viewpoint

Paint me pictures excite me, dont send me to sleep.

Study the best songs songs that have stood the test of time

Learn from them , and maybe thank a few preople for thier critiques

even if it's not what you want to here.

Best Wishes Denziel

[Jarrean]

I thought the chorus worked in your favor, but that the verses could stand more concrete images, as Mike stated. It sounds like a great country or blues song in the making.

[PENKSLYRICS]

Done a pretty big reshuffle of the verses on this.
Your thoughts, would be appreciated.


EVERY MORNING I WAKE WITH THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDER
SOMEDAY’S IT GETS SO HARD JUST TO KEEP IT ALL IN SIGHT
WHEN THE NIGHT COMES AND I TRY TO REST MY WEARY HEAD
THOSE DREAMS WHERE I AM FALLING THEY GIVE ME SUCH A FRIGHT
BUT I’M NOT THE KIND TO BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND
WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE I’LL BE WAITING READY TO FIGHT

OH YEH!

(CHORUS)

I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
LITTLE BY LITTLE
FROM DAY TO DAY
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
DON’T WANT IT LIKE THIS
WHEN I’M OLD AND GREY
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
SLOWLY BUT SURELY
FINDING MY WAY

SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE LIFE’S HEADING DOWN A ONE WAY STREET
NOW AND THEN I START TO DAYDREAM HIGH UP ON CLOUD NINE
FOR A WHILE I CAN SAY THAT EVERYTHING FEELS SO GOOD
TILL THAT OLD MONKEY ON MY BACK SHOUTS GET BACK IN LINE
I CAN’T WAIT TILL THE DAY COMES WHEN HE’S OUT OF MY FACE
FOR NOW I’LL DRIVE HOME WITH THOUGHTS OF LOVED ONES ON MY MIND

OH YEH!

(CHORUS)

I’M NOT THE KIND TO TAKE A BACK SEAT
GOT NO TIME FOR SUCH THINGS AS DEFEAT
SO I’LL STAND UP TALL HARD AS CONCRETE
I’LL TELL YOU ONE THING I WON’T BE BEAT

(SOLO)

TILL THE DAY COMES ROUND WHEN ALL MY QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED
I’LL JUST KEEP TRYING TO PUSH IT ALL TO THE EXTREMES
SEEMS I’VE SPENT A LARGE PART OF MY LIFE LICKING MY WOUNDS
SOMETIMES I WANNA LET OUT ONE ALMIGHTY HUGE SCREAM
I’VE GOT A HEAD FULL OF THINGS THAT I’D LIKE TO ACHIEVE
ALL THAT I ASK FOR IS THE CHANCE TOO LIVE OUT THESE DREAMS


TILL THEN!
(CHORUS X 2)

WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK

(REPEAT TILL FADE)

[DonnaMarilyn]

Roger, I like the universal concept. You're expressing the angst and frustration that a lot of us feel at different times.

To punch the effect up even further, and to achieve a smoother flow, I'd suggest tightening up the verses and bridge. Make them less wordy. Could you provide a few specific examples of things the singer wants to achieve? The verses are very general, as is the chorus. A nice distinction would be to have the chorus as is, but give the listener/reader a few specifics in the verses.
For instance does the singer want a better job? More money? Better love life? A promotion at work that he knows he deserves, etc? Maybe sit down and make a list of specific things a person might want to achieve, and then select from among them one or two for each verse.

(I might mention too that a lyric in full caps is hard on the eyes. Just sayin'. )

I've made a few suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course. (I've not kept the metering in mind.)

Donna


V1
EVERY MORNING I WAKE WITH THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDER Suggest plural - shoulders - otherwise the immediate image is of the globe sitting on one or the other shoulder rather than on both (think of Atlas).
SOME DAYS IT GETS SO HARD JUST TO KEEP IT ALL IN SIGHT Suggest 'Some days it gets hard to keep everything in sight'. 'So' and 'just' aren't necessary'. Perhaps also indicate what 'everything' refers to.
WHEN THE NIGHT COMES AND I TRY TO REST MY WEARY HEAD
THOSE DREAMS WHERE I AM FALLING THEY GIVE ME SUCH A FRIGHT Drop 'they'.
BUT I’M NOT THE KIND TO BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND Suggest tightening -'But I don't bury my head in the sand'.
WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE I’LL BE WAITING READY TO FIGHT Drop 'waiting'.

OH YEH!

(CHORUS) I like the succinct chorus.

I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
LITTLE BY LITTLE
FROM DAY TO DAY
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
DON’T WANT IT LIKE THIS
WHEN I’M OLD AND GREY Suggest re-thinking this line. 'Old and grey' is cliche, and - I feel - lessens the impact of the rest of the chorus.
I’M WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK
SLOWLY BUT SURELY
FINDING MY WAY

V2
SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE LIFE’S HEADING DOWN A ONE WAY STREET Life in fact is a one-way street. Perhaps rethink this line so that it's the singer who feels he's going down a one-way street (e.g. with no choices as to how he spends his life).
NOW AND THEN I START TO DAYDREAM HIGH UP ON CLOUD NINE Drop 'start to'.
FOR A WHILE I CAN SAY THAT EVERYTHING FEELS SO GOOD How about something like 'For a while it feels like everything's good'.
TILL THAT OLD MONKEY ON MY BACK SHOUTS GET BACK IN LINE Drop 'old'.
I CAN’T WAIT TILL THE DAY COMES WHEN HE’S OUT OF MY FACE Suggest 'Can't wait till the day he's out of my face.'
FOR NOW I’LL DRIVE HOME WITH THOUGHTS OF LOVED ONES ON MY MIND The introduction here of loved ones is a sudden distraction.

OH YEH!

(CHORUS)

BRIDGE??? I suggest shortening the bridge for more contrast.
I’M NOT THE KIND TO TAKE A BACK SEAT For example, 'Not gonna take a back seat'.
GOT NO TIME FOR SUCH THINGS AS DEFEAT 'Got no time for defeat'.
SO I’LL STAND UP TALL HARD AS CONCRETE 'Conna stand up tall'. (Drop 'hard as concrete'.)
I’LL TELL YOU ONE THING I WON’T BE BEAT Something like 'Cause I won't be beat'.

(SOLO)

It would be more usual to have a third chorus here after the bridge.

V3 This verse basically repeats what's in V1 & 2, and would benefit from a few dropped syllables as well. Perhaps take what's original in each of the verses and combine those elements into just two verses.
TILL THE DAY COMES ROUND WHEN ALL MY QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED Maybe 'Till the day arrives when my questions are answered'.
I’LL JUST KEEP TRYING TO PUSH IT ALL TO THE EXTREMES Be clear about what 'it' refers to.
SEEMS I’VE SPENT A LARGE PART OF MY LIFE LICKING MY WOUNDS Maybe 'Spent most of my life licking my wounds'.
SOMETIMES I WANNA LET OUT ONE ALMIGHTY HUGE SCREAM Maybe drop 'huge'.
I’VE GOT A HEAD FULL OF THINGS THAT I’D LIKE TO ACHIEVE Suggest 'So many things I want to achieve'.
ALL THAT I ASK FOR IS THE CHANCE TOO LIVE OUT THESE DREAMS Suggest 'All I ask is to live out my dreams'.


TILL THEN!
(CHORUS X 2)

WORKIN’
WORKIN’
WORKIN’ ON OK

(REPEAT TILL FADE)[/quote]