One Day We'll Be A Memory

[DonnaMarilyn]

Another for critique. As usual, both barrels.

Wondering whether to drop the pre-choruses.

I hear a jazz vibe for this one.

UPDATE 15.10: Beginning to tweak.

Donna

One Day We'll Be A Memory

V1
We dined on home-made pasta
And sipped on chardonnay
We melted like the candle
As the hours slid away
And when you reached across to me
We both knew you would stay

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
One day we'll be a memory
In Time’s enduring vault
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory
That will mean the most to you

V2
We packed for summer picnics
Drank lemonade from steins
Or stayed up late with popcorn
To watch ‘The Thin Red Line’
And sometimes it was hard to know
Which thought was yours or mine

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
One day we'll be a memory
In Time’s enduring vault
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory
That will mean the most to you

Bridge
Though not a cynic I have no illusion
Forever will step through our door
Life’s a funhouse mirror
It reflects the unexpected
Shows what wasn't there before

Chorus (shortened)
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory
That will mean the most to you

…the memory
That will mean the most to you

© 2012 Donna Devine

[simonsays]

Another for critique. As usual, both barrels. [Ok Donna, ammo dump time. ]

Wondering whether to drop the pre-choruses.

I hear a jazz vibe for this one.

Donna

One Day We'll Be A Memory [I like the title ... but I don't love it. I think it might be memorable. IMO, it all depends on your chorus. (If you hammer home your title in the chorus, I think the assonance here should work fine.) ]

V1
We dined on home-made pasta
And sipped on chardonnay
We melted like the candle(s) [Who would put just one candle out?]
As the hours (slid) away [Imagery possibility missed here? IMO, it might be better if the hours (faded) away ... like the light from the melting candles.(Do you like 'watching hours fade away' as an image?) I do understand how losing (slid) would eliminate the near rhyme with (sipped),and might necessitate other adjustments ... like in V2,L4. (Anyway, it's just a quick thought.)]

And when you reached across to me [Sweet alliteration and assonance in these two lines! They're very natural sounding.]
We both knew you would stay

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow [Donna, I think this pre-chorus fits very well with your chorus ... in other words "IMO It's a keeper!"]

Chorus
(But) one day we'll be a memory [is a (but) necessary here? ... or am I just butting in? (surely?)]
In Time’s (own) dusty vault [(Own) seems redundant. Maybe mix it up with the unexpected there. (lovely? lonely?)]
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me?) [to play off your (to you)]
(That) will mean the most to you [Switch (that) to (which) ? (As a plus, it adds illiteration, and rhymes with It's)]

V2
We packed for summer picnics
Drank lemonade from steins
Or stayed up late with popcorn
To watch ‘The Thin Red Line’
And sometimes it was hard to know
Which thought was yours or mine [Quirkiness achieved! I love these lines!]

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
(But) one day we'll be a memory [(surely)]
In Time’s (own) dusty vault [(lonely? Lovely?)]
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me)
(That) will mean the most to you [(which?)

Bridge
Though not a cynic I (have) no illusion [Try past tense (had)?]
(That?)Forever (will) (step through our door)[I would suggest the tense change (would) to keep things conditional. I didn't like the 'step through our door' part. I think it might be better condensed.(suddenly appear? future come clear?) Also, I kept expecting a follow up rhyme to (door) at the end of the bridge for some reason.
Life’s like a funhouse mirror
It reflects the unexpected
Reveals the undetected [Without the music to help me, I couldn't come up with how this bridge might sound. (That is, where the emphasis should be rhythm and rhyme wise)]

Chorus (shortened)
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me?)
(That) will mean the most to you [Switch (that) to (which) ? ]

…the memory (of me)
(That) will mean the most to you [(which?)]

© 2012 Donna Devine

Donna,
Please remember that my suggestions are meant as just that ... suggestions. (Other possibilities.) I surely do not expect you, or anyone else, to always adopt them. (I know how sometimes songs can be our babies!) Please feel free, to sweep or keep, as you see fit. I am flattered that you have liked some of my past suggestions, and hope you find even the ones you don't use ... useful.

Sincerely, Steve

[DonnaMarilyn]

As usual, many thanks, Steve. I'll take everything into account when I revise.

Another for critique. As usual, both barrels. [Ok Donna, ammo dump time. ]

Wondering whether to drop the pre-choruses.

I hear a jazz vibe for this one.

Donna

One Day We'll Be A Memory [I like the title ... but I don't love it. I think it might be memorable. IMO, it all depends on your chorus. (If you hammer home your title in the chorus, I think the assonance here should work fine.) ] I'll look at this.

V1
We dined on home-made pasta
And sipped on chardonnay
We melted like the candle(s) [Who would put just one candle out?] The image I had was of one large candle.
As the hours (slid) away [Imagery possibility missed here? IMO, it might be better if the hours (faded) away ... like the light from the melting candles.(Do you like 'watching hours fade away' as an image?) I do understand how losing (slid) would eliminate the near rhyme with (sipped),and might necessitate other adjustments ... like in V2,L4. (Anyway, it's just a quick thought.)] The word 'slid' derived from the image of the wax sliding down the edges of the large candle.

And when you reached across to me [Sweet alliteration and assonance in these two lines! They're very natural sounding.]
We both knew you would stay

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow [Donna, I think this pre-chorus fits very well with your chorus ... in other words "IMO It's a keeper!"] I appreciate that input.

Chorus
(But) one day we'll be a memory [is a (but) necessary here? ... or am I just butting in? (surely?)] I'll ponder this (and the next line).
In Time’s (own) dusty vault [(Own) seems redundant. Maybe mix it up with the unexpected there. (lovely? lonely?)]
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me?) [to play off your (to you)] I see your point, though I had in mind more the memory of the 'us'.
(That) will mean the most to you [Switch (that) to (which) ? (As a plus, it adds illiteration, and rhymes with It's)] Point taken on alliteration. However, my inner grammar nazi balks at using 'which' when 'that' is used with a restrictive element.

V2
We packed for summer picnics
Drank lemonade from steins
Or stayed up late with popcorn
To watch ‘The Thin Red Line’
And sometimes it was hard to know
Which thought was yours or mine [Quirkiness achieved! I love these lines!]

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
(But) one day we'll be a memory [(surely)]
In Time’s (own) dusty vault [(lonely? Lovely?)]
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me)
(That) will mean the most to you [(which?)

Bridge
Though not a cynic I (have) no illusion [Try past tense (had)?]
(That?)Forever (will) (step through our door) I would suggest the tense change (would) to keep things conditional. I used the present tense in both lines because the singer is addressing the singee in the present. Past tense would indicate a breakup has already occurred. I didn't like the 'step through our door' part. I think it might be better condensed.(suddenly appear? future come clear?) The idea is that the singer knows nothing will last forever.
Also, I kept expecting a follow up rhyme to (door) at the end of the bridge for some reason.[/color] I'll rethink the bridge. Elsewhere, folks have liked the unusual rhyme scheme. Condensing/simplifying may be in order, however.
Life’s like a funhouse mirror
It reflects the unexpected
Reveals the undetected [Without the music to help me, I couldn't come up with how this bridge might sound. (That is, where the emphasis should be rhythm and rhyme wise)]

Chorus (shortened)
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope it's the memory (of me?)
(That) will mean the most to you [Switch (that) to (which) ? ]

…the memory (of me)
(That) will mean the most to you [(which?)]

© 2012 Donna Devine

Donna,
Please remember that my suggestions are meant as just that ... suggestions. (Other possibilities.) I surely do not expect you, or anyone else, to always adopt them. (I know how sometimes songs can be our babies!) Please feel free, to sweep or keep, as you see fit. I am flattered that you have liked some of my past suggestions, and hope you find even the ones you don't use ... useful.

Sincerely, Steve

[simonsays]

Donna,
I really like the edits you made. It's much clearer now to me where you're taking this.
Steve

Another for critique. As usual, both barrels.

Wondering whether to drop the pre-choruses.

I hear a jazz vibe for this one.

UPDATE 15.10: Beginning to tweak.

Donna

One Day We'll Be A Memory

V1
We dined on home-made pasta
And sipped on chardonnay
We melted like the candle
As the hours slid away
And when you reached across to me
We both knew you would stay

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
One day we'll be a memory
In Time’s enduring vault [Nice choice here. ]
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory [ IMO, (were) is much stronger than the (it's) you had before) ]
That will mean the most to you

V2
We packed for summer picnics
Drank lemonade from steins
Or stayed up late with popcorn
To watch ‘The Thin Red Line’
And sometimes it was hard to know
Which thought was yours or mine

Pre-chorus
That was then, this is now
And because we didn’t make one
We can never break our vow

Chorus
One day we'll be a memory
In Time’s enduring vault
One day we'll be a memory
Maybe one of us at fault
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory
That will mean the most to you

Bridge
Though not a cynic I have no illusion
Forever will step through our door
Life’s a funhouse mirror [I think dropping the simile and opting for the metaphor made this much more powerful .]
It reflects the unexpected
Shows what wasn't there before [I love this new bridge.]

Chorus (shortened)
One day we'll be a memory
Whether tampered with or true
But I hope we're the memory
That will mean the most to you

…the memory
That will mean the most to you

© 2012 Donna Devine

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks for your ongoing feedback, Steve. Most helpful.

I think the lyric's about ready to go looking for music now.

Donna

[simonsays]

Donna,
I'm glad you found my feedback helpful. I look forward to hearing this when you get it set to music!
Steve

Thanks for your ongoing feedback, Steve. Most helpful.

I think the lyric's about ready to go looking for music now.

Donna