"A Better Place"

[GinaMarie]

I just started this over the past couple of days, I don't have the chorus yet, working on that. This is the two verses so far, would love your input


"A Better Place"

Verse 1
It feels like I'm slowly drowning
In my own reality
The bills that can't be paid
The fear, the hurt and blame
I'm just out here reaching for a line to pull me back to shore
Been out here in this storm too long, can't fight it anymore
Won't you grab my and take me to
A better place.... A better place



Verse 2
Maybe we should take a step back
A step back in time
When we came together as one
The feel of your hand in mine
Maybe we should just let go
of the feelings that we won't let show
We can fall in love again
In a better place.... In a better place

[DonnaMarilyn]

Gina, it might be better to post the lyric after you've completed the rough draft. The reason being that a critique involves looking at how the various lyrical sections all hold together, and how well they support each other. A point to consider too is that most often a title/hook is taken from the chorus, as that's generally the most memorable part of a song. So once you have your chorus in place, you may want to re-think your current title. Another rule of thumb is to use the hook/title only in the chorus. This means that it's a fresh, new thought/image for the listener when s/he hears it the first time in the chorus.

In the meantime, though, I'll make a few observations regarding what you have so far.

I note that the rhyme pattern and metering in both verses are different.
For instance, the rhyme scheme in V1 is ABCCDDEF, whereas in V2 it's ABCDEEFG.
With the metering, lines 3 & 4 in V1 are much longer than those lines in V2.
Try to set up the verses so that the rhyme scheme and the scansion (metering) are consistent.
Regarding scansion: for instance, in V1 you have 'it feels like I'm slowing drowning'.
The beat emphasis is x X x x X x X x.
In V2, line 1 goes 'maybe we should take a step back'.
The beat emphasis is X x X x X x x X.
Do you see the difference? In general, a smooth flow results when each line in a verse has the same - or at least almost the same - scansion as the lines in the other verse(s). Important is that lines should be sung with the emphasis on the words being no different from the way they're spoken.


A few minor points in general:
- avoid repeating words in the same section (unless it's for emphasis)
- where possible, avoid using words like 'just', 'that', etc.
- try to express the maximum with the minimum number of words. Be concise. (Unless it's prog-rock, for instance. )
- make hook/titles punchy and immediately compelling
- make the first line or two of a first verse catchy and visually compelling
- in general, try to provide a few concrete images - 'visual furniture'. This is what makes a lyric tangible and memorable.

I hope the above is helpful. Any suggestions are 'keep or sweep', of course.
They're only one person's opinion.

Donna

You have a universal theme, which is good. Easy for an audience to relate to it.

"A Better Place"

Verse 1 This verse sets up the mood nicely.
It feels like I'm slowly drowning Dropping 'it' will strengthen the line.
In my own reality
The bills that can't be paid If you rewrite the verse to redo the rhyme scheme and meter, you could say simply 'the unpaid bills'.
The fear, the hurt and blame
I'm just out here reaching for a line to pull me back to shore Suggest dropping 'just out here'. The word 'just' is a filler word, and adds nothing to the thought or the line. Stronger would be simply 'I'm reaching for a line to pull me to shore'.
Been out here in this storm too long, can't fight it anymore Suggest 'Been in this storm too long, can't fight anymore'.
Won't you grab my hand and take me to Suggest a more tender word than 'grab'. OR - with a view to extending the water/drowning metaphor, maybe consider something like 'throw me a rope and pull me to a better place'. A random thought.
A better place.... A better place



Verse 2 This is direct, and flows more easily. Hmmmmm. With some tweaking, it could end up being your chorus.
Maybe we should take a step back
A step back in time
When we came together as one
The feel of your hand in mine I like the line, but it sits here unconnected to the line before and after it. Suggest rewording the line slightly so that it follows on naturally from what's gone before.
Maybe we should just let go
of the feelings that we won't let show
We can fall in love again
In a better place.... In a better place[/quote]

[GinaMarie]

Thank you Donna, I started two songs a few days ago and decided to blend them together I think that's why they don't blend, I'll fix that. I like your idea about the 2nd verse being the chorus so I am going to play around with that too. I am happy you went through what I have, you explained things very well and I appreciate that. I am hoping to purchase Master Writer as it helps so much, I did have a free download and LOVED it! I'll get to work on the song and repost it finished and see what you think! Thanks again