Young and Dumb (singer-songwriter)

[DonnaMarilyn]

I envisage this as singer-songwriter. If it reaches a demo stage, I'd aim for a fillm/tv pitch.

I welcome constructive feedback.

Thank you.

Donna

Young and Dumb

V1
Back then I thought I had a clue
But got it oh so wrong
Your love was like an evening star
I could depend upon
I simply wasn't ready
For an 'ever-after' song

Pre-chorus
What a price I paid
For the choice I made

Chorus
Please, let me plead
I was young and dumb
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

V2
At night I often dream of you
Though it's been many years
I wake up with an aching heart
My pillow damp with tears
I long to be your journey
But that ship has left the pier

Pre-chorus
What a chance I lost
When our pathways crossed

Chorus
Please, let me plead
I was young and dumb
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

Bridge
I hurt you, and you're a stranger now
But I love you, and there's no danger now

Chorus (shortened)
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

© 2012 Donna Devine

[simonsays]

Hi Donna,
Like in my last crit ... there's not much I can add. Well done IMO.
Steve

I envisage this as singer-songwriter. If it reaches a demo stage, I'd aim for a fillm/tv pitch.

I welcome constructive feedback.

Thank you.

Donna

Young and Dumb [I like the title. Simple and sweet.]

V1
Back then I thought I had a clue
But got it oh so wrong
Your love was like an evening star
I could depend upon
I simply wasn't ready
For (the) 'ever-after' song [suggest (an) as a possible substitution. I've heard way more than one 'ever-after song' in my life. ]

Pre-chorus
What a price I paid
For the choice I made

Chorus
Please, let me plead
I was young and dumb
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

V2
At night I often dream of you
Though it's been many years
I wake up with an aching heart
My pillow damp with tears
I long to be your journey
But that ship has left the pier

Pre-chorus
What a chance I lost
When our pathways crossed

Chorus
Please, let me plead
I was young and dumb
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

Bridge
I hurt you, and you're a stranger now
But I love you, and there's no danger now

Chorus (shortened)
I wish this darkness
Could be undone
I could use a little sun
Yes, I could use a little sun
Oh, please can I plead
Young and dumb

© 2012 Donna Devine

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks, Steve. I've made that adjustment.

Donna

[Casey H]

Hi Donna

Nice work... Just a comment as it relates to film/TV...

For film/TV, story songs with specifics about years going by, etc. generally do not work. The lyrics would conflict with whatever scene the song would be applied to. Songs need to be more generic (e.g. "universal lyrics").

A song such as "We Are Young And Dumb" focused on the EMOTION of a CURRENT love situation might work better. If you want to write for film/TV, you have to change your mindset from the 'story' thing.

It's a different mindset-- the antithesis of how we learned songwriting when we started and were thinking more about artist pitches than film/TV.

Best,
Casey

[DonnaMarilyn]

Casey, thanks again for your valuable input. Much appreciated. I do need to work at altering my 'story' mindset.
In the meantime, I'll try to find music for the lyric, and then look for any kind of pitch opp.

Donna