Self absorbed - writing in first person perspective

[Chris White]

Per Ralph Murphy and others, 'good songs' are in second person (and sometimes third). I had a co-write turn out all in first person and am trying to find out if it works.

Below are two versions, one in first person and another re-written into second person perspective. We would love to hear which version speaks more to you, which version is more relateable.

Thanks in advance for taking a look.

Version A:
When I close my eyes
My mouth tastes sweet

In the my land behind my eyes
I can feel myself breath

When I close my eyes
There’s a soft a gentle sun
Shining

In the my land behind my eyes
There’s a lullaby of crickets
Waiting
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

When I close my eyes
I bring my shovel for good measure

In the my land behind my eyes
I dig for buried treasure

When I close my eyes
I hold out my finger
And wait

In the my land behind my eyes
The bird comes and sits
And sings
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

Every step feels just right
Every breath feels so right
Lucky me, lucky me
To have a chance
To close my eyes

What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

Version B:
When you close your eyes,
Everything sweet.
In the hush behind your eyes,
You can hear yourself breathe

When you close your eyes
Bright sun warm and gently
Shining
In the land behind your eyes
Feel the prism rain of stars’ light
Falling

All the shapes this dream it takes
To make some time everyday
To close your eyes, To close your eyes

When you close your eyes
Lose track of time beyond all measure
In the land behind your eyes
Ocean deep silent treasure

When you close your eyes
You hold out open hands
And wait

In the love behind your eyes
A bird looks, sees, lights
And sings…

Every turn a dream it makes
It makes new time everyday
You close your eyes, You close your eyes

Each one step feels just right
Every breath feels so right
Lucky me, lucky me
To have a chance, To see your eyes

Different dream day different makes
To take some time everyday
To close your eyes
To close your eyes

[Len911]

I know a lot of great songs that are in first person, it's more personable unless they are brag songs. The problem with second and third person perspective is that you have to be careful and only report on what you can actually see or guess, you can't know what others are actually thinking. In your lyrics, you can only know what you see and what the other person might have reported, how do you know if everything is sweet or that the other person can hear themselves breathe? I don't really relate to either version, because when I close my eyes I go to sleep. The only song off the top of my head about closing one's eyes, is the Keith Whitley song "Don't Close Your Eyes". It happens to be first person. However in that song there is no lullaby of crickets or birds singing, just a fantasy of another man when she closes her eyes. Is this a spiritual song?

[Casey H]

Are you sure you are interpreting Ralph Murphy's advice correctly? Just checking...

http://www.ascap.com/music-career/artic ... phy16.aspx

The bottom line is you want a listener to be singing the song in their as if it were their own. First and second person (I/Me and You) generally do that best. Most often, "I" is the primary focus with reference to "you". Third person is more for the story song and AFAIK make for a smaller percentage of hit songs.

Casey

[Chris White]

Are you sure you are interpreting Ralph Murphy's advice correctly? Just checking...

Casey

You are right. I did totally misunderstand the perspective thing.

Chris

[Chris White]

Len,

Thanks for taking a look.

Is this a spiritual song?

Well, I hope it isn't. But it could be interpreted that way. It is more about being in the moment.

Chris

[GlennPageMusic]

I too had always heard first person is best! Indeed, I would hazard most songs ARE written from the first person, or a combo of first and second. (I did this, then you said that...)

Glenn

[DonnaMarilyn]

Yep. Definitely go for 1st person, Chris. If I may make a minor suggestion - the mention of a shovel in line 2, V 4, is jarring/distracting, coming as it does after so many gentle images. I'd recommend re-thinking that line, and the one following. It implies vigorous physical activity, whereas the rest of the imagery is passive. Anyway, keep or sweep the thought.

Donna

Version A:
When I close my eyes
My mouth tastes sweet

In the my land behind my eyes
I can feel myself breath

When I close my eyes
There’s a soft a gentle sun
Shining

In the my land behind my eyes
There’s a lullaby of crickets
Waiting
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

When I close my eyes
I bring my shovel for good measure

In the my land behind my eyes
I dig for buried treasure

When I close my eyes
I hold out my finger
And wait

In the my land behind my eyes
The bird comes and sits
And sings
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

Every step feels just right
Every breath feels so right
Lucky me, lucky me
To have a chance
To close my eyes

What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

[simonsays]

Hi Chris,
Thought I'd add my two cents worth. Like others have said before me, I think 1st person is probably the best way to go here. But I may be a bit biased. One of my most favorite songs ever -- "Yesterday" by Paul McCartney is one of (if not the most) covered songs ever ... and it's in 1st person. I also second Donna's comment about the shovel/digging images contrasting/sticking out. I have added some admittedly unsolicited comments highlighted in green for your consideration below. Again, echoing Donna, please feel free to keep or sweep as you choose!
Steve (aka,SimonSays)





As

Yep. Definitely go for 1st person, Chris. If I may make a minor suggestion - the mention of a shovel in line 2, V 4, is jarring/distracting, coming as it does after so many gentle images. I'd recommend re-thinking that line, and the one following. It implies vigorous physical activity, whereas the rest of the imagery is passive. Anyway, keep or sweep the thought.

Donna

Version A:
When I close my eyes [Chris, I love the assonance here ... I - my - eyes]
My mouth tastes sweet [Sweet what?]

In (the my) land behind my eyes [Suggest more assonance here as well. (that?)]
I can feel myself (breath) [(breathe) ryhmes with (sweet)]

When I close my eyes
There’s a soft a gentle sun
(Shining) [(warming me?) A 'shinning sun' in my experience is 'harsh and bright' ... not 'soft and gentle']

In (the my) land behind my eyes
There’s a (lullaby) of crickets [(orchestra?) (Lullaby) conjures no specific image for me. If that land behind this guy's eyes is supposed to be a 'dream land' ... then I'd expect the images you create with your words to be more distinct and interesting. I want to be able to engage my senses fully! Alternatively, some added alliteration might help. For example; "Crickets (create?/cry?) a (layed back?/lazy?) lullaby"]
Waiting
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

When I close my eyes
I bring my shovel for good measure [alternative image -- 'toes digging into a beach' for pleasure]

In (the my) land behind my eyes
I dig for buried treasure [alternative image -- 'hands sifting the sand' for buried treasure]

When I close my eyes
I hold out my finger [uh ... which finger is that exactly! And what is the reason for this? Ok ... just re-read this ... and realized that 'the bird' is supposed to land on your finger. Without a better description of the bird in question, maybe holing out a 'hand' would work better here? In the classic "Song of the South" it was a bluebird on his shoulder.]
And wait [Are you waiting for a butterfly to land on it ... or what?]

In (the my) land behind my eyes
The bird comes and sits [Specifics make for better images IMO. For example; "Some Seagulls scream ... obscenities at me ... but then the hummingbird comes and hums so sweet"]
And sings
What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

Every step feels just right
Every breath feels so (right) [(light?) (right) is redundant here. While that's not unheard of ... is it necessary? As a plus (light) would add alliteration to (lucky) in the next line.]
Lucky me, lucky me
To have a chance
To close my eyes

What a difference it makes
To take some time everyday
To close my eyes
To close my eyes

[inga]

Version A:
When I close my eyes
when close my eyes

My mouth tastes sweet
mouth tastes so sweet

In the my land behind my eyes
in land behind eyes

I can feel myself breath
can feel myself breathe

When I close my eyes
when close my eyes

There’s a soft a gentle sun
Shining
theres soft gentle sun

In the my land behind my eyes
in land behind eyes

There’s a lullaby of crickets
Waiting
crickets lullaby waiting