New Lyrics, first time posting: "Azaleah Jones"

[JeSsiCaRaTz]

Gulp. First time posting here. Go easy! But...I really do want constructive criticism! Thank you! It does have music written, it's a mid-tempo folk type of ballad.--Jessica

The Talk

Verse #1
Azaleah Jones
Works her hands to the bones
Raising her son
And she does it alone

The apartment is clean
But the neighborhood’s rough
A tiny nursery
Full of second hand stuff

She rocks him and feeds him
And reads Goodnight Moon
And tells him his daddy
Is coming home soon

Tries to cushion his falls
When he starts to walk
And when he is older
She gives him The Talk

CHORUS
Azaleah Jones
Looks her son in the eyes
Find a steeple to chase
Keep your eyes on the prize

But keep your head down
Watch for dogs in the night
Those who don’t know you
Won’t judge you right

Work twice as hard
As you think you should
When someone doubts you
Be twice as good

Keep your mouth shut
Hands in plain sight
When you’re all alone
Forget about rights

Verse #2
She sits up at night
Tears her hair out
He’s suspended from school
Runs with a bad crowd

She meets with the teachers
Who can’t tell her why
He’s the smartest in class
But just doesn’t try

He gets tattoos
And stays out too late
She gets a phone call
Picks him up at the station

She hugs her son to her
Too scared to yell
She speaks through her tears
She’s mad as hell

(Chorus)

Verse #3
Azaleah Jones
Cries in the front row
He’s crossing the stage
And he’s pointing her out

The dean of the law school
Shakes his hand hard
A reception is held
In the churchyard

Now he is married
Big house and a yard
A son of his own
Throws sticks for the dog

He’s a good boy
Gets As, has a job
Dad has no illusions
Gives his son The Talk

(Chorus— with “Zachary Jones”)

[inga]

Azaleah Jones
Works hands to the bones
Raising her son
she does it alone

apartment is clean
But neighborhood’s rough
tiny nursery
Full of second hand stuff

She feeds and rocks him
and reads Goodnight Moon
tells him daddy
Is coming home soon

[simonsays]

Hi Jessica,
I tend to give Simon Cowell (tell it as I see it) type crits ... but I'll try to be as easy on you as I can ... while still being constructive (FYI, if I seem to go overboard with the IMO's that's because I want to remind you that mine is just one opinion.)
Steve (aka,SimonSays)

Gulp. First time posting here. Go easy! But...I really do want constructive criticism! Thank you! It does have music written, it's a mid-tempo folk type of ballad.--Jessica

The Talk [The title is short and easy to remember ... however, IMO the subject matter might severely limit your target audience. ]

Verse #1
Azaleah Jones [While I like the exposition in this verse, I fear you're in danger of perpetuating a negative stereotype here if you do not explain why she's a single mother.]

Works her hands to the bones
Raising her son
And she does it alone

The apartment is clean [Again, nice exposition here! Reinforcing her hard working image with 'the clean apt.', and implying she's poor without outright saying it by; 1.) Telling where she is forced to live 2.) the size of her room 3.) The second hand stuff.]

But the neighborhood’s rough
A tiny nursery
Full of second hand stuff

She rocks him and feeds him
And reads Goodnight Moon
And tells him his daddy
Is coming home soon [Without clarification of where the 'daddy' is ... this is where I fear you could lose some listeners to stereotype and bias. If the 'daddy' did not leave by his own will (ie, maybe he was falsely accused of a crime ... and is in prison?) then that should at least be hinted at IMO.]

Tries to cushion his falls
When he starts to walk
And when he is older
She gives him The Talk

CHORUS
Azaleah Jones
Looks her son in the eyes
Find a steeple to chase
Keep your eyes on the prize

But keep your head down
Watch for dogs in the night
Those who don’t know you
(Won’t) judge you right [This is over the top IMO ... and has an definite air of extremism to it. While I think urging one's children to be cautious around strangers is only prudent ... a (might not), or some similar qualifier, would be better here IMO.]

Work twice as hard
As you think you should
When someone doubts you
Be twice as good

Keep your mouth shut
Hands in plain sight
When you’re all alone
Forget about rights [This too seems way over the top to me.]

Verse #2
She sits up at night
Tears her hair out
He’s suspended from school
Runs with a bad crowd

She meets with the teachers
Who can’t tell her why
He’s the smartest in class
But just doesn’t try

He gets tattoos
And stays out too late
She gets a phone call
Picks him up at the station

She hugs her son to her
Too scared to yell
She speaks through her tears
She’s mad as hell

(Chorus)

Verse #3
Azaleah Jones
Cries in the front row [Ok, that is some about face in direction this boy has made! From the earlier verse I expected him to be either in prison or dead by this time! What changed him? If he found out his father was falsely accused and in prison ... then I could see him vowing to become a lawyer and try to defend others from the same. However, I don't see anything in the verses that explains such a large change in the course of his life. ]

He’s crossing the stage
And he’s pointing her out

The dean of the law school
Shakes his hand hard
A reception is held
In the churchyard

Now he is married
Big house and a yard
A son of his own
Throws sticks for the dog

He’s a good boy
Gets As, has a job [I guess I'm just too used to looking for assonance in lines now, because I didn't read the As as the 'A's I now know you meant here. I think I'll let you guess how that was first interpreted. ]

Dad has no illusions [Ok, he's become a successful lawyer, with a big house, and a family ... and now he's going to warn his son that the world hasn't really changed?? I'm not one to swear much, but even I have to say WTF here.]
Gives his son The Talk

(Chorus— with “Zachary Jones”)

[JeSsiCaRaTz]

Thanks for the feedback Simon. I didn't realize how different people would take these lyrics! More controversial than I thought. I thought the main problem would be too cheesy/sentimental. I think I will take out the "Tells him his daddy is coming home soon" part and just leave his dad's whereabouts unexplained. Since I think that part is both maudlin and could also be interpreted as jail...
The other parts I think I will probably leave since I think it's more a difference of political opinion and views of how much racism still impacts life in America. The point I was trying to make at the end was that even if you're very successful, racism still has an effect, esp. when pulled over alone at night...
I do agree the turn around of the son is amazing and calls for suspension of disbelief...I'm inclined to leave it because it is just a story, and a nice surprise to find out he did so well!
Thanks again for your time, really very helpful to hear how these came across to you.

[Casey H]

Jessica
Before I comment on the lyrics, can you please tell us what your goal is for your songs?

Song pitch for other artists to record your song?
Film/TV placement?
Personal pleasure?

It's important to know the goal, because writing for different applications usually has different requirements. For film/TV, very specific storylines, names, places, etc don't work because they would conflict with just about any potential scene. For artists, the song has to match their style, be something they feel comfortable about being identified with, etc.

So, please tell us more.

Best and Welcome Again!
Casey

[JeSsiCaRaTz]

Oh, and thanks Simon for pointing out that it sounds like the kid is getting A$%#. Def going to change that!

Casey, thanks for asking. Up to now I've been learning how to write songs, been writing for a year, read the Pat Pattison book, and have been experimenting with different genres and forms. This song, like most of my others, is just something that appealed to me personally. I know it won't have much commercial appeal. Writing for a listing is a skill I intend to work on.

So I guess the kinds of things I was looking for were, the rhyme scheme, story, does it make sense, does it appeal to you personally, were there specific words or images that you disliked/liked, etc.

Thanks for your time!