New Lyrics - Running on Empty

[FMstereo]

Hi there,

Here's my first song for 2013! Any comments appreciated.

Running on Empty (male vocal)

The red light flashes on the dashboard
The needle’s stuck on E
The gas pump’s lit up in the distance
As I steer my SUV

I tell the guy to fill ‘er up
But I know a tank of gas won’t change a thing

Chorus
I’m running on empty
Since the morning you left me
That drizzlin’ 10 o’clock you said goodbye
I’m having trouble sleeping
Life’s lost its meaning
Now I feel there’s nothing left inside
I’m running on empty

The barman’s pouring me a double
I throw it back real fast
There’s nothing now to go home to
So I sit and stare at my glass

I tell the guy to fill ‘er up
But I know that drinkin’ always leaves me dry

I’m running on empty
Since the morning you left me
That drizzlin’ 10 o’clock you said goodbye
I’m having trouble sleeping
Life’s lost its meaning
Now I feel there’s nothing left inside
I’m running on empty

It never ever matters how much I fill my day
Or how many beers and burgers I fill my face with

I’m running on empty
Since the morning you left me
That drizzlin’ 10 o’clock you said goodbye
I’m having trouble sleeping
Life’s lost its meaning
Now I feel there’s nothing left inside
I’m running on empty

© 2013 F-M Cossey (APRA)


Cheers

[CHuckmott]

Like the lyric...the meter as I read through it seems like you could axe a word or two here and there, but that is all about context I suppose. Like it , roll with it. Oh and everytime I hear the title I'll think Jackson Browne....

[FMstereo]

Hi Chuck

Thanks for that. I’d forgotten about the Jackson Browne song (but now I can’t get it out of my head!) The title for this lyric came to me just as I was waking up the other morning, so I sat up and got most of it done then and there. I love it when that happens!

Cheers

[simonsays]

Hi F-M,
I like this too. Although, I honestly can't say I love it ... because I think you know how much I love big twists and word play. But this is nice. Also, I'm personally not all that fond of downer songs, so I acknowledge I'm a bit biased here.
Writing wise only one part stood out even mildly negative to me. The steer in your first verse. It took me a moment to realize she was coasting her car into the station. Yes, it was only a fleeting moment, but I still had to backtrack to see why you chose steer there. I don't know though whether I would have paused if I wasn't in crit mode, and was passively listening to the song instead. I Hope this helps you.
Steve

[FMstereo]

Hi Steve

Now I can't remember exactly why I chose "steer". In an earlier draft I had "As I crawl along the street" but I changed that as I thought it might give the listener the wrong imagery, and I wanted there to be no doubt that the singer was driving. It's interesting that you saw "steer" as a negative thing because you thought of it as coasting; I simply wanted to give the impression of the vehicle limping along, or just being driven very carefully, but I expect "drive" would work just as well as "steer".

Thanks for the comments.

Cheers

[simonsays]

Hi Steve

Now I can't remember exactly why I chose "steer". In an earlier draft I had "As I crawl along the street" but I changed that as I thought it might give the listener the wrong imagery, and I wanted there to be no doubt that the singer was driving. It's interesting that you saw "steer" as a negative thing because you thought of it as coasting;
You misunderstood me F-M. The slight negative for me wasn't the coasting image. It was that I didn't immediately connect "steer" with "coast".

I simply wanted to give the impression of the vehicle limping along, or just being driven very carefully, but I expect "drive" would work just as well as "steer".
(or "coast" if that's the image you're shooting for.)

Thanks for the comments.
You're welcome F-M.

Cheers

[FMstereo]

Oh, I see what you mean.

Thanks Steve.

Cheers

[BurtHK]

Hey FM

I haven't posted here in a while, I love your 'metaphor' so thought I'd chip in.

I feel this resides in the country genre so direct description is desired, but your images are not accumulation emotionally as strongly as they could. You seem more objective in your description of events in the Vs and then given me detailed events in the Ch when I want perhaps more metaphor or emotive language.

There's a red light on the dashboard
Sayin it's time to fill up
There's a gas pump in the distance
As I steer my empty life
I tell the guy to fill ‘er up
But this tank of gas won’t change a thing

I think the Ch needs to be much more a summation not giving me more details of 'lack of sleep and 'That drizzlin’ 10 o’clock you said goodbye' (BTW this is a great line and maybe a whole song in itself: relating stuff that happens in a relationship to the times of day - but not sure it is the right place here - as it is such a good image that it distracts from the primary metaphor of running on empty)

You weave the narrative so well in the Vs around the image of the empty tank and glass and counter pose it well in the bridge with how people fill the emptiness - that pure similes could work the Ch - what are other things that are empty? Running on empty? Deepen my sense of 'running on' or being' empty - not the narrative of the Vs.

In the 2nd Vs I'd start with the 'empty glass' its then infers the drinking without describing it and it offers a more dynamic platform to continue from.

HTH
Burt

[FMstereo]

Hi Burt

Thanks for all your ideas for this. I'll do some more work on the lyric.

(Yes, it's definitely a country song!)

Cheers

[mikeShort]

FM-
Good to see you writing again!

Two comments. One is "Life's lost its meaning." That's a "tell" in the middle of strong "show" song. I'd try to figure out a way to communicate that without saying it.

The second follows along with what Steve says: the song is all downer. I don't care about that, as much as the singer doesn't seem to move much from the first roll into the gas station. The first verse and chorus work great together. You set the scene and then play off the metaphor really well. But after that, nothing much changes. Songs that can transport the audience work better. I got a custom critique on a similar song (you may remember Leaning on a Memory), and that was the point that the reviewer made.

Your images are strong, so there is a lot to work with here. Hope this helps!

Mike