Any feedback on the below lyrics

[GiantHeadCollective]

I am sort of gravitating to the John Hiatt style of writing which I know is really hard area to compete in. I can't sing so usually rely on others to work with and come up with melodys to the music. Not sure what speed to work this one at, slow depressing songs are easy slip into the boring zone which makes the listner switch off.

The song is about someone who wants to be with another but can't

As I watch you from a far
Trapped outside from from where you are
A different world has to be my place
You can't see the sadness on my face

Life may have its ups and downs
But it always helps when your around
We cannot hug and cannot hold
But we will always be until we're old

CHORUS
I'll walk the world in these worn out shoes
Smile while my heart is singing the blues
Light your path on the road you choose
I'll walk the world to be with you
I'll walk the world to be........ with you

Caught between the devil and sea
You'll never know what you mean to me
I'll keep it hidden inside my heart
Cause in my head we are not apart.

Does the lyrics convey the feeling/story well enough?

[Casey H]

I am sort of gravitating to the John Hiatt style of writing which I know is really hard area to compete in. I can't sing so usually rely on others to work with and come up with melodys to the music. Not sure what speed to work this one at, slow depressing songs are easy slip into the boring zone which makes the listner switch off.

The song is about someone who wants to be with another but can't

As I watch you from a far
Trapped outside from from where you are
A different world has to be my place
You can't see the sadness on my face

Life may have its ups and downs
But it always helps when your around
We cannot hug and cannot hold
But we will always be until we're old

CHORUS
I'll walk the world in these worn out shoes
Smile while my heart is singing the blues
Light your path on the road you choose
I'll walk the world to be with you
I'll walk the world to be........ with you

Caught between the devil and sea
You'll never know what you mean to me
I'll keep it hidden inside my heart
Cause in my head we are not apart.

Does the lyrics convey the feeling/story well enough?

Sometimes reviewing lyrics without music doesn't work well because great melodies can really change how you react to any set of lyrics.

That being said, the first thing that jumped out at me reading these was they are full of overused, cliche rhymes and sometimes phrases. That is usually a turn-off from the get-go without even thinking about the storyline.

We all write lots of songs about being sad, missing someone, etc. And it's impossible to avoid all that's been "done before"-- I know that. But it's best to try to throw in something unique in how you say what's been said a million times before. Definitely avoid the "moon/June" type rhymes such as "heart/apart", etc.

HTH
Casey