"Hold To Me" Thoughts on lyric progression and overall feel

[NathanNasby]

I've been pounding out the lyrics on this song for this song the last 2 days. Write, re-write, re-write again... haha you know how it goes. I really like the first verse and the imagery that works with the story I'm trying to tell here. I was really trying to focus in on a couple metaphors that relate the terrifying moments of loneliness and insecurity we all deal with at times in life. The tunnel and the tracks, as well as heading for the light, but not really knowing if the light is freedom from the trap or just another train about to smash us. The second verse dealing with darkness and the shadows that haunt us. We try to escape the fear by shutting tight our eyes so we can't see the things we fear, but then we can never see the light and hope either. In both situations the tunnel and the darkness I wanted the resolution to be the love of action. So many times words bring no comfort and often tend to encourage guilt and insecurity, but the action of holding another in love brings about the feelings of true support and sacrifice. Anyway haha that is what I was going for. Really wondering does verse 2 work. I got a little creative with the meter and rhyme scheme, but in the context of the music it fits very well (I'll post the vocal version soon). Does the song feel cliché, or is it fresh? Any critique is appreciated.

Thanks everyone. Here's a link to the music track I have finished if you want to help put the lyrics in context.

https://soundcloud.com/mrdjchameleon/hold-to-me-inst

Just adding this in as a vocal sample after the fact

Verse 1 and chorus vocal sample to aid with lyrics!

https://soundcloud.com/mrdjchameleon/ho ... cal-sample

Verse 1

Broken fragile and you show it
You don't know what it means to be
Unafraid of life when your the one caught in the tunnel
And chasing the tracks toward the only light you ever see
And just bracing for the next wreck baby that's the moment when you ran straight into me


Chorus


I said hold to me hold to me now
I see you've taken enough
Instead of saying be tough I'm reaching out and saying
Hold to me hold to me now
You gotta hold to me hold to me now
I've seen you run for so long
Instead of saying be strong I'll take your hand and whisper
Hold to me hold to me now
You gotta hold to me hold to me now

Verse 2

Lost and frozen in the moment
And fighting for a chance to breath
You closed your eyes so tightly now to shut out the darkness
And hiding from the shadows that you pray you'll never have to see
But the light is all around you, baby till you find it you can hold closer to me


Bridge


You've taken this lonely road alone
And tried to run away from the pain
The echo of every word you've heard that's driven you oh so far
So I will simply reach out again and again and again.

Chorus


C'mon and hold to me hold to me now
I see you've taken enough
Instead of saying be tough I'm reaching out and saying
Hold to me hold to me now
You gotta hold to me hold to me now
I've seen you run for so long
Instead of saying be strong I'll take your hand and wcisper
Hold to me hold to me now
You gotta hold to me hold to me now

[BurtHK]

Hey Nathan

I really like the train light/tunnel metaphor and you've worked it well in the Vs - unfortunately the 'Hold on to me' line is not the pay off the metaphor deserves.

I think you need to let the the metaphor distil some more (tracks, trains, journeys, stations, platforms, arrivals/departures) and move it well and truly into the Ch. Your Vs seem more poetic and your Ch more detailed at the moment and perhaps swapping that around will engage the listener more. Give some narrative/conversational detail in the Vs allowing the Ch then to vivid and summative of the feelings that your great metaphor is trying to convey.

A really interesting metaphor I look forward to seeing it develop further.

Burt

[NathanNasby]

Great thoughts there Burt! I'm out with a cold right now and singing has been on hold ! Love the insights you had though, and I'll continue to flesh this out.

[Casey H]

Hi Nathan
I'd love to hear it actually sung to the music. It would be easier to comment on the lyrics-- sometimes reading alone doesn't cut it (for me). The music is very pretty.

The biggest thing that jumped out at me was the title/hook, "Hold To Me". The phrase doesn't really make grammatical sense. There is "Hold ON To Me", "Hold Me", etc but I don't think "Hold To Me" is a correct English phrase.

Be careful about tense consistency... In verse 1, "...when you ran straight into me" is a sudden change to past tense.

Also, try to keep things as how people speak in normal conversation as much as possible...

For example:

You don't know what it means to be
Unafraid of life when your the one caught in the tunnel

It's more likely that someone would say something like, "You are afraid of life, caught in a tunnel" or similar. What you have is a bit clunky and non-conversational.

Best,
Casey

[NathanNasby]

Hey Casey,

Thanks for the input. Looking back I see what you mean. I feel the same way trying to properly critique lyrics without a proper sample of the vocal. You make some excellent points on tense and such that totally slipped by me there.

I uploaded a new version that has some vocals for the verse 1 and chorus. Cold a darn cold while in the middle of this so I'm waiting for my head to clear before getting the vocals on this track, but at least you'll have a better idea of how the words move with the music.

Thanks

https://soundcloud.com/mrdjchameleon/ho ... cal-sample

[Casey H]

Hi Nathan
Listened to the vocal... You have a really nice tune here. On the lyrics, I still would work on more conversational, natural phrasing.

For example, "Broken fragile" doesn't make sense. "Broken AND fragile" does. And I'd change "Hold to me" to "Hold on to me". These are just examples. Of course, the main hook/title is the most important thing and having an unnatural phrase there could be a show stopper from the get-go.

JMHO
Casey

[NathanNasby]

Thanks Casey. Good food for thought.

I'll have to mull over this and see if I can come up with something that flows more smoothly. I really like what I have so far haha, so I'm not sure if I'm blinded by my own happiness lol! I know what you mean though. It seems to be something that I see more and more in op listings as well, the line "Songs should feel conversational etc"!

I have another question though about this one. What genre would you say this falls into. I really enjoyed Michael's ustream on genre identifying, as admittedly I absolutely suck at figuring out where some of my music lands. Would you say it's adult contemporary? Adult urban contemporary?

Fire away with ideas on genre!