Quick critique on a YES/NO submission

[johnerockstar]

"The piano part is too insistent and the track overall sounds too intense for the pitch."

DARK TRIP HOP SONGS and INSTRUMENTALS are URGENTLY needed by the MUSIC SUPERVISOR for a POPULAR NETWORK TV SERIES. They need ORIGINAL SONGS and INSTRUMENTALS a la Portishead, Massive Attack, UNKLE, DJ Shadow, RJD2, etc. They're looking for DOWNTEMPO pieces with a MOODY, DARK, SOMBER or SERIOUS tone. If you're submitting a song with vocals, please be sure your lyrics are PG rated and universal (avoid specific names, brands, etc.) MALE and/or FEMALE VOCALS are BOTH OKAY. They're NOT looking for rapped lyrics. Be sure your material is engaging from beginning to end. Pieces must be a minimum of 2 minutes long. The fee for this license is approximately $1,000-$2,000 total. Forwards will be sent DIRECTLY to the MUSIC SUPERVISOR so YOU WILL KEEP 100% of the ultimate fee, and you will NOT give up ANY of your Master, Publishing and Writer's share! You must own or control 100% of the Master and Composition rights to submit for this listing. Original material only, no covers please. No samples of other artists/recordings can be used in your recording. Broadcast Quality is needed (excellent home recordings are fine). Please submit one to three songs or instrumentals online. All submissions will be screened on a YES/NO BASIS by a TAXI screener Hand-Picked by the MUSIC SUPERVISOR. ALL submissions must be received no later than Tuesday, February 5, 2013, 9:30AM PST. TAXI #U130205TH

Listener #53

I submitted a track called Wallpaper, which in fact was very inspired by the first referenced artist in the listing.

I've also submitted a few other tracks that are different genres, but if anyone knew me, they would understand that I've been writing music my whole life, and not just one particular style. This is why I joined TAXI, was the ability to find places for my eclectic brianworks...

Here is a post to the song if anyone cares to give it a go and share their critiques, as I would certainly be thankful.

Cheers~

https://soundcloud.com/john-e-rawkstaugh/wallpaper

[andygabrys]

hey John,

keep in mind this is an opinion, but here's my 2 cents......

the ref artists in general have:

space
reverb
drum beats that sound effected (vinyl record effect, distortion etc.) and often have some cymbal content in there (like breakbeats on Quaaludes really)
sound FX (scratches etc.)
hypnotic grooves that develop over the length of the piece

Listening to your piece, I hear a couple of cool ideas and motifs, but IMO after they are established, they don't continue to develop. And the parts sound discrete. Section A, leads to section B, leads to C, then back to A. Maybe arrangement wise you could start with less of A, then add the others on top as spice in and out to build the song then bring it down more to the end.

The beat sounds more hip-hop than trip-hop (I know not far off in some ways......). That by itself isn't negative. But its established straight off and doesn't develop.
the piano is insistent but also quite a bit drier than it could be.
the acoustic bass virtual instrument line is cool, but sounds a little fatter than a real acoustic, and could be effected to sound more like a record sample instead of a sampled instrument. At least take some 200 hz out of it so it doesn't sound so insistent.

In general, the mix is too dry and in your face to be really close to the refs. its not just the verb, its employing the verb in the right places to make the mix have that spacious "trip-hop" sound. Stuff in your mix comes out to hit me, versus the refs (in general) where stuff seems to recede into the background.

hope that helps.

[johnerockstar]

Thanks for taking the time, Andy!

I see what you're saying... A little more time tweaking on a production side, which I totally agree with. I'm in the process of acquiring the Waves Mercury bundle to help bring that pro level sonic vibe to my tracks, and I see what the critiques are getting at, but of course, there in lies the issue of writers block in the sense that I hear what the suggestions are saying, but having a difficult time in digging out the right fit.

I've spent HOURS trying to find that element they've suggested only to come up with vibes or sounds that just don't ever seem to fit well with the original idea. hmph.

I think at this point I am going to try and network through this board to find some good collaborators to get some good inspiration. Anyone in particular that you may already be aware of that I can extend an olive branch to?