Any advice for " Even Angels Fall "

[songmaster]

I have been working on this new song and any advice would be appreciated. Here are the lyrics so far.

Even Angels Fall

We try to make it work
This life of give and take
We just get passed the hurt
Then make the same mistakes
Sometimes, we mess up love
We're human after all
We need to just look up....and know
Even angels fall

With these imperfect eyes
We struggle in the dark
Like desperate fireflies
Escape a broken jar
There we lie at night
Facing separate walls
But love forgives the blind....because
Even angels fall

Bridge

I believe, we need to be
So strong, that we won't give up
The only lie, that can tear our lives
Is the one we tell
To ourselves

Life can knock us down
But that is not the end
Faith can lay the ground
With hope our every step
So where we go from here
Won't matter much at all
We'll find the grace in tears...because
Even angels fall.

[simonsays]

Hi songmaster,
I like this piece a lot .. and some things did stand out for me. (in both positive and negative ways)
(see below in parenthesis and green highlight)
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

I have been working on this new song and any advice would be appreciated. Here are the lyrics so far.

Even Angels Fall

We try to make it work
This life of give and take
We just get passed the hurt
Then make the same mistakes [I love the assonance here! ]
Sometimes, we mess up love
We're human after all
We (need to just) look up....(and to?) know
[(need to just) seems reversed to me. (just need to) sounds better to my ear. That, and you just used just 4 lines back. Maybe switch to an (only) there?]
Even angels fall

With these imperfect eyes
We struggle in the dark
Like desperate fireflies [Pretty simile! ]
Escape a broken jar
There we lie at night
Facing separate walls
But (love faith?) forgives the blind....because
[It's the faithful that are forgiven IMO]
Even angels fall

Bridge

I believe, we need to be
So strong, that we won't give up
The only (lies?), that can tear our lives
[I suggest you pluralize (lie) to (lies) ... we tell ourselves more than one, after all. (at least I do! )
Is the one we tell
(To) ourselves
[(to) is redundant, I believe. And (are the ones we tell ourselves) might work as one line.]

Life can knock us down
But that is not the end
Faith can lay the ground
With hope our every step
So where we go from here
Won't matter much at all
We'll find (the our?) grace in tears...because
Even angels fall.

[Len911]

I have been working on this new song and any advice would be appreciated. Here are the lyrics so far.

Even Angels Fall

We try to make it work
This life of give and take
We just get passed the hurt
Then make the same mistakes
Sometimes, we mess up love
We're human after all
We need to just look up....and know
Even angels fall

With these imperfect eyes
We struggle in the dark
Like desperate fireflies
Escape a broken jar
There we lie at night
Facing separate walls
But love forgives the blind....because
Even angels fall

Bridge

I believe, we need to be
So strong, that we won't give up
The only lie, that can tear our lives
Is the one we tell
To ourselves

Life can knock us down
But that is not the end
Faith can lay the ground
With hope our every step
So where we go from here
Won't matter much at all
We'll find the grace in tears...because
Even angels fall.

I like your lyrics very much, with a few comments, of course,lol! I prefer, 'sometimes angels fall' over 'Even Angels Fall'. There's a couple of places things get a little preachy, "We need to just look up....and know
Even angels fall", and in the bridge, "we need to be". It's the old, "show not tell" maxim. It works better in persuasive writing, if you make your argument so that there is no other plausible option than to choose the one that you have presented. If you don't have time for all that, then MAYBE,lol, words like maybe, perhaps, what if, sometimes, might,lol, just work a little better imo. The lyrics are a little abstract at times, though not so abstract that the lyrics are difficult to follow and understand. I would have preferred a tale of how angels have actually fallen and learned my lessons from the imagery and the story. The one flaw in an angel that I can't quite decipher whether it's a literal, earthly, or figurative, celestial angel, Mother Theresa or Gabriel. I've drifted.

[songmaster]

Thank you Both for your advice. Steve, I like " faith forgives the blind " I like the alliteration. Also," we'll find "our" Grace in tears is much more personal. I am also going to change the preachy quality in the lyric " we need to just look up ". There is probably a better way to say this. Also, Len. You have me thinking about changing the title to " Sometimes Angels Fall ". My wife also didn't like the title. She said it was too negative ( considering where those angels went ).

Basically, I want the message to be that none of us are perfect ( not even angels). I like all the advice you both have given me. I want to keep the song about a relationship between two people without being preachy ( I hate preachy songs).

Anyway, thanks again. I will need to look a little closer at it now.

Tom.

[mikeShort]

There are good comments here, which I agree with. So I'll try to talk about things they haven't said.

I think your second verse is about three times as powerful as your first verse. Two great images, of the desperate fireflies, but also two people sharing the same bed, but facing away from each other. I think this verse does a much better job of setting up the feelings and point than the first, so I would start with it.

Then I'd try to replace the other verse with something just as strong. Len picks up on that when he is talking about show, not tell.

Steve notes the word "just" popping up twice. In general, just, even, only and really are words to avoid, because they take up space without adding to the story, and in a story with only 100 words, ever word is vital. This is a rule I should learn to follow myself, of course, but there you are!

This is a good start, and well worth working on. Good luck.

[songmaster]

Hi Mike Thank you for the advice. Very often I find that my second verse is better than my first. Its funny because, your right " show is better than tell ". I think that I WILL put the second verse first. Imagery is everything. I am getting some great advice on this song, but now you guys got me working harder!

Oh well, it's worth it for the song. Thanks again. It's back to the drawing board.