The Subject (Dance for Me)

[nylyrics]

Hi All,

Wondering if the lyric is clear, emotive, are you drawn in? Still working on the tune.

Appreciate any feedback.

Thank you.

Andy

The Subject (Dance for me)

Three, six…
Nine windows up
Five to the left
Your curtains drawn open
My telescopes set
Soon you’ll be home
switch on the lights
Will you dance for me tonight?

My sketch book is open
Black chalks ready
A glass of red wine
My hands are steady
The radio’s on
The music is right
Dance for me tonight

Nobody knows how hard we try
Nobody knows the tears we cry
My sketches are done but nobody sees ‘em
Like prisoner pleading but nobody frees ‘em

The clock on your wall
Is quietly ticking
Snow’s started to fall
But its hardly sticking
It’s a quarter to ten
You’ve turned on the light
If you could hear
You’d hear me recite

don’t be shy girl
Dance for me
Take your time girl
Only I can see
Practice your dance the way you do
Fly like an angel across the room
stage lights wait for you

(verse instrumental)

Nobody knows how hard we try
Nobody knows the tears we cry
My sketches are done but nobody sees em
Like prisoner pleading but nobody frees em
Nobody will ever need em
But wont you Dance for me?

[mikeShort]

Andy-
Very creepy, but great imagery. And I like the way the singer challenges us with "nobody knows." Ironically, with this line, i think the audience WILL know, and stop judging, and start empathizing. I think this is really strong.

One line clanged for me a little bit:

Snow’s started to fall

Right in the middle of all those "-ing" words, why not "Snow started falling"? As in:

The clock on your wall
Is quietly ticking
Snow started falling
But its hardly sticking

I think it's more important to stick the snow in the air (image-wise) than to stick the START of the snow in the air, so if it's past tense, it doesn't matter. It also implies that the artist has been sitting there a long time waiting, which strengthens the picture you're drawing.