Tick Tock

[FeffyShell]

Hi all,
I'm very new to this; just introduced myself over in the Hangout.
I'd appreciate a no-holds-barred critique of this, my first completed song lyric.

It's a country song, with a driving, almost staccato feel in the verses. It's meant to feel, as the title implies, like "we have to move on this quickly! don't delay!", and I'm concerned that the chorus works against that feeling rather than with it. I'm also thinking that the chorus is too long. Thoughts?



Tick Tock (Stephanie McGillvrey, (c)2013)

I walk into the room
And boy, it's crowded
But I lock eyes with you

Like lookin' at the sun
The spark is blindin'
Looks like it hit you too

Chorus:
Tick tock, tick tock, baby
There's no time for 'maybe'
Let's jump right in with both feet
Who knows? This could be love
Somethin' we've both dreamed of
Come figure it out with me
At least let's have some fun
Tick tock

I picture me and you
In slow motion
Dancin' like we're alone

It's gettin' hot in here
My heart is molten
I want to make you my own

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Maybe I should wait, slow this down, learn your name;
What if you're here with a date?
No, there's no mistaking that look in your eyes...

(Chorus)

[FeffyShell]

p.s. yes, I know there's AT LEAST one other song out there already named Tick Tock... I consider the whole thing to be a work in progress.

[songmaster]

Hi I like the way this song gets right to the point. The brevity you have in the lyrics shows a good measure of professionalism . It's easy to understand and I can see it with an up tempo feel. The only thing I might point out is, if the song is suppose to be up tempo, I noticed that your second verse states that " I picture me and you in slow motion ". With all the urgency in this song and the tempo, maybe that romantic mood could be expressed with more energy, example ( burning up the night ) which would account for " my heart is molten ". I also noticed in the bridge you use the word slow, which probably would work if you take the song to half time. It will break up the speed of the tempo and be a nice change and also will give the song a boost when you go back into the chorus.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a really good contemporary song here.

Keep up the good work.

Tom.

[FeffyShell]

Tom, thanks so much for your feedback; I really appreciate the constructive criticism! You made a great point that I didn't even consider (about the "slow motion" in the second verse).

I know it's hard to tell without the benefit of a tempo and melody, but I'm still concerned that the feel of the chorus goes against the feeling of "rush, rush" --the prosody of the song, as I'm learning that's called--so I'm working on tightening that up.

[dencol]

Hi Stephanie,

Love your song... Short and to the point...
I thought the chorus was great... There's only one point i might suggest:
The line "Somethin' we've both dreamed of" seems to suggest you two know each other.
Maybe "Somethin' big dreams are made of" or something along those lines (just an idea)

Hope this was helpful,
Dennis

[FeffyShell]

Thanks, Dennis; I appreciate you taking a look!

[shibes]

Hey Stephanie -

I like where the song is going - interesting scene.

A possible culprit to your pace issue is the easiest to fix: your rhyme pattern.

The rhyme pattern is indicated in brackets at the end of each line.  Starting with [A] for the first sound, similar letters indicate the same sound. A new/unique  sound to the song is indicated by a new letter.

The verses are written as triplets (three grouped lines) which is great to create pace, because it allows you to link your verses using the rhyme of the prior verse ans creates a non-uniform structure so unlike a couplet (two lines) it just sounds like the lines keep going - creating auditory pace!

In "Tick Tock" your rhyme pattern slows the song right before the chorus by using the  [A] rhyme of "oo" to close the loop on the [A] rhyme of the first and third line. The second verse has no immediate connection with the first because it has a [C] rhyme and doesn't get back to a familiar sound unti line six [A] - which tends to frame the two verses and halts the progress of the lyric.

What if the second verse had "connected" to the first using the rhyme "owd" and the 5th line tied to the first line of the chorus using the [C] rhyme?

This would change your rhyme pattern to:  
V1:  A / B / A    
V2:  B / C / B  
CHORUS: C / C / C. . .

Notice how the new rhyme pattern links the verses to the chorus, but doesn't sound repetitive. It gives the whole thing motion down the page because it creates a better "map" for the listeners ear.  This is one of my favorite patterns (Terza Rima if you have a guide to poetry forms handy).

Your chorus also isolates itself by bringing in new rhymes with connecting them to your initial two verses. The last line is a completely unique sound that doesn't rhyme with anything before or after - giving the song a halting close at the end - impacting your song's pace.

You have a great scene here - I'd focus on creating a tighter more deliberate rhyme pattern to give the song some velocity. It's also a great way to force yourself to try and find interesting word combinations and let the song go where it would like - sometimes where you never planned!

V1
I walk into the room                          [A]
And boy, its crowded                       
But I lock eyes with you                   [A]

V2
Like lookin' at the sun                        [C]
The spark is blindin'                           [D]
Looks like it hit you too                     [A]

CHORUS
Tick tock, Tick tock, baby                  [E]
There's no time for "maybe"               [E]
Let's jump right in with both feet       [E]
Who knows?  This could be love        [F]
Somethin' we've both dreamed of      [F]
Come figure it out with me                [E]
At least let's have some fun               [F]
Tick tock                                          [G]