Coffee Shop In Heaven...Still brewing.

[songmaster]

I am still working on this song and again I have re-written the lyrics. I also have recorded a very rough guitar/ vocal on my Taxi site. For some reason there is a bit of a ( watery warble ) to this mix. I'm not sure how that happened, but I hope that you can get the jist of the song. I would be having someone else do the final recording. I am not much of a singer but I would like some feed back on the overall melody ( not so much the production ).

Anywho, here are the new lyrics.

Coffee Shop In Heaven

Driving home one late November
Dad and I we hardly talked
Snow was falling in the headlights
As we approached that coffee shop

Dad said
How bout we stop here for a little while
But I saw some friends of mine inside
I lied and said I wasn't feeling well
Cause it wasn't cool, to have your old man be your ride
So we just drove on by

Chorus

If I could go back to that one night
I'd tell that kid to swallow his pride
I'd hold the door so Dad could walk in
We'd spend a couple hours talkin
Even now I can just imagine
Maybe we would end up laughin
Lord, I hope when my time here has ended
That there's a coffee shop in Heaven

Then came December and Dad passed away
Leaving Mom and me alone
His old work boots sat in the hall
His keys still hung there by the phone

Mom said
I know you miss him and it's gonna hurt
It's best you don't keep it inside
I hope that you both had some time to talk
Son you know, your Daddy loved you all his life
I just closed my eyes

Chorus

Bridge

And I will look into his eyes
And be the Son I was meant to be
If a thousand years go by
That might be long enough, for Dad and me.

Chorus...end.

[FeffyShell]

Another great set of lyrics, Tom. Nice progression of the story from November/Dad to December/Mom. I like the conversational tone ("Dad and I we hardly talked" for example - although you could probably tighten it up by taking out some of the fluff words, it would lose that conversational, country-ish feel). The chorus is a little long, in my opinion, but hard to tell without hearing the music, tempo, etc. (By the way, I can't find it on your Taxi page to listen.)

[feaker66]

No comments on these lyrics, but I listened to all your song at your taxi site.

You have some awesome tunes there and very impressive writing.

I actually first sat down with my acoustic to try and sing along with other folks lyrics. ( I do that for kicks once in awhile) And stumbled on this.

Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed these songs.

sincerely

Paul

[songmaster]

Hi Paul Sorry to be responding so late. I was out of town this week and I forgot my Forum password. Thank you for listening to my songs. Now if I can just get the screeners to have the same reaction. But at least I think that I am getting closer that elusive forward. All good things take time.

Anyways, thanks again and have a great weekend.

Tom.

[songmaster]

Hi Stephanie Sorry to respond so late, but as I told Paul. I was out of town with no Forum password. Thank you for your comments on "Coffee Shop In Heaven". I guess the chorus is a little long but I wrote it to be similar to Justin Moores song " If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away " Which is also a pretty long Chorus.

I did have the song on my Taxi page for a while but to be truthful, it was a pretty bad recording and after not getting any responses I just took it off. I am more of a songwriter than a singer and I don't want to have people hear a bad production. Sometimes people can't see a good house for the ugly furniture. I am the same way I guess.

Thanks again for your interest.

Tom.

[FeffyShell]

Yeah, I get it totally (the house for the furniture). I really do think you have a great idea here, and encourage you to keep at it. Maybe you can find a kick-butt singer collaborator here to record it for you, so that we can all hear what you hear?

[songmaster]

Hi Stephanie Yes, perhaps down the road I will get a demo made of this one and see where it goes. Right now I am concentrating on writing for TV and Film. Which is a whole new way of thinking. When I write country music I can use so much detail and story lines...not so with TV and film. It's all about emotion and melody. Also, I find my chances of getting a forward are much better than impressing anyone in Nashville, and in a way, I have always been interested in movies ( I was even a movie extra for a few years ). So it seems a natural match for me.

Anywho, I guess if there is anyone out there who needs a song to sing ( country, that is ).'" Coffee Shop In Heaven " is hanging here in limbo if anyone wants to collaborate ( especially if you have your own studio and can sing ). 50/50 works for me.

So take care Stephanie and thanks again for the input.

Tom.

[dencol]

Hi Tom,

This in my opinion has the makings of a great song. Great imagery. I think you have the skills to tighten this down into a great song...
(A little more cream and a tad more sugar will make this a great cup of Joe)
Good luck...

Dennis

[mikeShort]

I like this a lot. I like the November/December Dad/Mom thing. I thought you were going to make sure you talked to mom, but that's a different song!

Someone suggested ditching the fluff words, like "just." I agree, and no, it won't affect the conversational tone of the song. Those words take up space, and space is at a premium. You're better off without them, and even more better off (which is an expression I will NEVER use in a song!) if you use the beat they take up with a strong word that adds to the picture.

I know these things happened in the past tense, but you should consider writing all the verses in the present tense, so the listeners are there with you in the car, instead of looking through the windows. See if this doesn't strike you as more immediate:

Driving home one late November
Dad and I are hardly talking
Snow is falling in the headlights
As we approach that coffee shop
Dad says
How bout we stop here for a little while
But I see some friends of mine inside
I lie and say I'm not feeling well
Cause it's not cool, to have your old man be your ride
So we just drive on by

You don't need to change the chorus at all. Does this do the same for you as it does for me? By putting it in the present tense, I feel like I'm in the back seat, rather than watching from far away.

[songmaster]

Thanks Mike and Dennis I guess a song is really never quite done. I like your idea Mike of making the memory more immediate and yes I can feel it when I look at it from that perspective. I will give it a try.

And Dennis I will try adding a little more Cream and sugar...but I have to be careful , cause, I'm lactose intolerant Ha Ha.

Thanks for both your comments, I truly appreciate them.

Tom