Need advice for Pop song

[songmaster]

Hey everyone Any advice on this pop song I am writing would be appreciated. It is an up tempo song, maybe closer to A/C pop ...Kelly Clarkson, Jason Mraz etc.. Thanks yall!

I'd Miss My Life

If I slept in late
Pulled the pillows close
Wasn't slapped awake
By that radio
When that crazy DJ
Shouted , it's a beautiful day

If I stopped to talk
Bout the same ol stuff
In that coffee shop
With the morning rush
Or maybe missed that bus
Would there ever have been us

Chorus

I'd miss my life, if I missed you
If what we have never came true
If our lives, past us by
Like two ships, one moonless night
I'd miss my life
If I missed you

If I'd known that day
How the tide would turn
That the smallest change
And I'd never learn
That soon you and I
Like two stars would collide

But I found my heart
When I lost my head
And I crossed that street
When the light turned red
Shame, shame on me
But where would we be

Chorus

Bridge

Just think how close it could have been
We might have never met
The chance that we might never kiss
Would be more than regret
More that just regret

Chorus

[simonsays]

Hi songmaster,
I like this one. Only a handful of things stood out for me negatively. (Which btw isn't much for me, in my own work, or anyone else's for that matter. )
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

Hey everyone Any advice on this pop song I am writing would be appreciated. It is an up tempo song, maybe closer to A/C pop ...Kelly Clarkson, Jason Mraz etc.. Thanks yall!

I'd Miss My Life

If I('d) slept in late
Pulled the pillows close
Wasn't slapped awake [I Love the playful visual here! ]
By that radio
When that crazy DJ
Shouted , it's a beautiful day

If I('d) stopped to talk
Bout the same ol stuff
In that coffee shop
With the morning rush
Or maybe missed that bus
Would there ever have been (an) us
[(an) I automatically added in my head. As a plus, it ups the syllable count to 8, mirroring the matching line in V1.]

Chorus

I'd miss my life, if I missed you
If what we have never came true
If our lives, past us by
Like two ships, one moonless night [I like the two/one play off you used here. ]
I'd miss my life
If I missed you

If I'd known that day
How the tide would turn
That the smallest change
And I'd never learn
That soon you and I
Like two (wayward?) stars would collide
[Matching 8 syllable count with V1 and V2]

But I found my heart
When I lost my head
And (I) crossed that street [Is the (i) necessary? It sounds fine without it IMO.]
When the light turned red
Shame, shame on me
But (then ch'erie?) where would we be
[8 syllable count again]
Chorus

Bridge

Just think how close it could have been
We might have never met
The chance that we might never kiss
Would be more than regret
More that just regret

Chorus

[songmaster]

Hi Steve Thanks for having a look at this one. I see what you mean by the syllable count. It's funny, when I sing the song I seem to have no problem with it. I am probably putting an extra beat before singing the last verse somehow. I will have to look at that. Normally, I am like you, I count every syllable and make sure it's right. Also, I think I am holding some words and stretching them into 2 syllables, like" where...would we be " I stretched the word Where into two beats.

Anyway, thanks for your input, I might be getting this song demoed very soon, so I appreciate your help.

Tom.

[simonsays]

Hi Steve Thanks for having a look at this one. I see what you mean by the syllable count. It's funny, when I sing the song I seem to have no problem with it. I am probably putting an extra beat before singing the last verse somehow. I will have to look at that. Normally, I am like you, I count every syllable and make sure it's right. Also, I think I am holding some words and stretching them into 2 syllables, like" where...would we be " I stretched the word Where into two beats.

Anyway, thanks for your input, I might be getting this song demoed very soon, so I appreciate your help.

Tom.

Hi Tom,
I'm glad that you found my feedback helpful.
I look forward to hearing the demo. I don't post in Peer To Peer (where they post full song feedback), but I do browse there often. I'll keep an eye out for your demo.
I'd like to say I count every syllable all the time ... but to be honest I haven't. (Not until recently, that is.)
Steve

[dencol]

Hi SongMaster... I'd like to suggest a small tweek to the chorus if that's ok...
Dennis

Chorus

I'd miss my life, if I missed out on you
If what we have never came true
If our lives, past us by
Like two ships, one moonless night
I'd miss my life
If I'd missed out on you

[songmaster]

Thanks Steve and Dennis Yes Steve, for the first time ever, I will post it on Peer to Peer when it's done, although, I might not be able to make any changes after that, because I don't do my own demos. But it will still be good to get some feed back anyway. Thanks again for helping me tighten up the song, it works much better now.

Also, Dennis, because of the tempo, I can't fit the " out on you " lyrics in the beginning of the chorus...BUT...it seems to work as the last line of the chorus...so thank you for that.

Time to go over it one more time...or more.

Tom

[dencol]

The pleasure is mine Tom...
Good luck with your song...

Dennis