"If This Were Meant To Be"... Love to know what you think...

[dencol]

I wrote this a few years ago... I'd love to know what you think... Thanks in advance...

If This Were Meant To Be
©Copyright 2007 Dennis Coleman

[Verse]
With glancing eyes
That tell white lies
Of casual engagements
Every time you pass me by

Small talk in a crowd
Compliments we say out loud
But I can hardly breathe

[Chorus]
Could it be that we both can have it all
Or would it be by fate this is destined to fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this were meant to be

[Verse]
My friends all say they see
The sudden change in me
I wonder how they noticed
That I've been acting differently

It's so hard to pretend
That we are only friends
Could this be all too real

[Chorus]
Could it be that we both can have it all
Or would it be by fate this is destined to fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this were meant to be

[Change]
Has this gone on too long?
Is what we're doing wrong?

As we hold hands
Our finger tans
Reveal just who we are

Late night whispers on the phone
And I'm just getting home

Did we think through
What we could loose
We have no one to blame

[Chorus]
Oooh
Would it be by fate this will crumble and fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this were meant to be

[songmaster]

Hi Dennis I like how this song plays out. You kind of keep people guessing until near the end, with that totally unexpected and original line " our finger tans ". Then the song draws you in. I can see someone like Bruno Mars doing this one. I haven't gone over every line, because until I actually hear a song, its hard for me to gauge the lyrics, but it seems you have a good solid grasp of what you are doing.

If you get it recorded, I hope you let us all hear it.

All the best . Tom.

[dencol]

Hi Tom,

Thanks for taking the time to read my lines... I'm glad you found the "finger tans" line interesting... It's one of my favorites in the song too...

Here's a link for a listen if you'd like...

http://pristinestudios.com/dennis_music-81.html

I recorded it back in 2008.

It's a pleasure meeting you,

Dennis

[DonnaMarilyn]

Dennis, you have a heartfelt lyric here. Some very nice imagery.

It's well worth a revision. I feel a little judicious editing would tighten up the idea.

I've made a few suggestions below. I hope they're useful. Keep or sweep, of course.

You might want to make your verses match in terms of metering; e.g. Have lines in each verse matching the metering and stresses (syllabic) in each respective line in the other verses.
This will ensure an even flow and rhythm.

I feel too that the story needs to be clearer. There's a little fuzziness around the edges.
I could be wrong, but I interpret it to be about two people, not married to each other, who are having an affair. The singer hopes the relationship will last.
In V3, there seems to be a reference to the possibility of losing something valuable (e.g. their respective marriages?), but then the singer finishes by stating he's sure
the relationship could last. To me, there's a disconnect between the apparent reality of the couple's lives and their secret relationship: namely, for the happy ending to occur, the reality would need to change drastically. Hmmmm. Not sure if I'm expressing my thoughts very well here.

But this is simply one person's observation.

Donna

©Copyright 2007 Dennis Coleman

V1
With glancing eyes The word 'with' isn't connected to anything. Perhaps begin with 'glancing eyes', or 'Your glancing eyes/Tell white lies/Of casual engagements/Each time you pass me by'. For the first verse, try to have as dynamic and engaging a first line as possible.
That tell white lies
Of casual engagements
Every time you pass me by I know what you mean here, but the term is ambiguous, as 'to pass someone by' also means to ignore them.

Small talk in a crowd
Compliments we say out loud
But I can hardly breathe

[Chorus] Lines 1 & 2 are convoluted. How about simply:
Could we have it all?
Or are we fated to fall? (You also get an alliteration. ) Or something like 'Are we destined to fall'.

Could it be that we both can have it all
Or would it be by fate this is destined to fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it Suggest dropping 'that'; here it's simply a 'filler' word.
If this were meant to be Replace 'were' with 'is', since you use the simple present 'can' in the previous line.

Verse 2
My friends all say they see
The sudden change in me
I wonder how they noticed
That I've been acting differently

It's so hard to pretend
That we are only friends
Could this be all too real

[Chorus]


[Bridge]
Has this gone on too long?
Is what we're doing wrong? Given the revelation in last verse, this seems an odd question to ask. Perhaps re-think this line?

Verse 3 Suggest having the same number of lines as V1 & 2.
As we hold hands
Our finger tans
Reveal just who we are

Late night whispers on the phone
And I'm just getting home Not sure of the sense of this couplet. Do you mean the singer is arriving home after a late night spent with the singee, and is now talking to her on the phone?

Did we think through
What we could loose 'lose'
We have no one to blame

Oooh
Would it be by fate this will crumble and fall Suggest a simpler construction like 'Is this destined to crumble and fall'.
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it Drop 'that'.
If this were meant to be 'Is' not 'were'.

[songmaster]

Hi Dennis Thank you for posting your song. It has a very nice soulful feel and I also detect a little Smoky Robinson goin on.

Great tune and I wish you all the best with it.

Tom.

[dencol]

Hi Tom and DonnaMarilyn,

Thanks again for checking out my tune. I truly appreciate the suggestions and insight you've given.
DonnaMarilyn, please pop by my website for a listen to the tune if you haven't already.

http://pristinestudios.com/dennis_music-81.html

I'll probably post others, so please feel free to dig in.
Some of them have already been released, but I find your suggestions insightful and helpful for future writings.
(I also love it when you think they are great)

Have a spectacular weekend...
Dennis

[simonsays]

HI Dennis (aka, dencol),
I read through your lyrics before browsing Donna's critique. If I had read her post first I could have saved my self some time, as I was about to say pretty much what she did. I do have a couple original suggestions though. (see below)
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

I wrote this a few years ago... I'd love to know what you think... Thanks in advance...

If This Were Meant To Be
©Copyright 2007 Dennis Coleman

With glancing eyes
That tell white lies
Of casual engagements
Every time you pass me by

Small talk in a crowd
Compliments we say out loud
But I can hardly breathe

[Chorus]
Could it be (that) we (both) can have it all
Or would (it be by) fate decree (this is destined) we need to fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this (were) is meant to be

My friends all say they see
(The) A sudden change in me
I wonder (how) what they noticed
(That) How have I ('ve) been acting differently

It's so hard to pretend
That we are only friends
Could this be all too real

[Chorus]
Could it be that we both can have it all
Or would it be by fate this is destined to fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this were meant to be

[Change]
Has this gone on too long?
Is what we're doing wrong?

As we hold hands
the white bands
on our finger tans
Reveal just who we are

Late night whispers on the phone
And I'm just getting home

Did we think through
What we could loose
We have no one to blame

Oooh
Would it be by fate this will crumble and fall
Our passion is no guarantee
But I know that we can make it
If this were meant to be

[dencol]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your input.
Although I'm not sure I understand the introduction of this line

As we hold hands
the white bands
on our finger tans
Reveal just who we are

Just curious, in your opinion, how did this add to the line?

As we hold hands
our finger tans
reveal just who we are

Thanks again,

Dennis

[simonsays]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your input.
Although I'm not sure I understand the introduction of this line

As we hold hands
the white bands
on our finger tans
Reveal just who we are

The line was added to match the line count of V1 and V2.

Just curious, in your opinion, how did this add to the line?

I assume you're referring to your 3rd verse, and not the 'on' in line 3.

It clarifies a possible ambiguity. From the limited context provided, there are at least two possible ways 'finger tans' could reveal who they are. The least likely interpretation IMO, is that they are as one. Ie, they have walked long enough in the sun with hands entwined (I'm envisioning them walking along a beach) that finger impressions show up on their hands. This would only be noticeable though after they release their hand holding.

The most likely interpretation IMO though, is that the tan lines present are where they have removed their respective rings. Who they reveal themselves to be then is cheaters ... having an affair. The 'white bands' refer to the skin where their rings would normally be. 'White bands' was just a quick add on to make that more explicit. As well as, as previously mentioned, to bring the line count up to 4.

As we hold hands
our finger tans
reveal just who we are

Thanks again,
Your welcome.

Dennis

[dencol]

Hi Steve,

I think I see what's happening. You are looking at the change as a third verse.
There are only 2 verses in the song.
I think DonnaMarilyn may have assumed the same.

As we hold hands
our finger tans
reveal just who we are

is phrased

ta da ta da
ta da ta da
ta da ta da ta da

Secondly,
The only image that comes to my mind when I use the term "finger tans"
based on the context of the song is two people who have taken off their
rings to pretend they are single.

I find it interesting and useful to learn how others interpret my writings.
I think honing the image is important but I also think it's important to leave room
for free thinking when interpreting an image...

Thanks again for taking the time to add your input.
Dennis
P.S.
If you have a moment, please take a listen to how the song was implemented.
http://www.pristinestudios.com/dennis_music-81.html