Goodbye Marie

[CJW]

Hi - This is my first post in this forum. This is a song I am currently working on. This is a bout a guy having trouble saying "goodbye" to his ex. It's still raw and you can find a scratch demo here:

http://www.reverbnation.com/chriswalter

All comments appreciated! Thanks,
Chris

Here are the lyrics:


Goodbye Marie

V1
I go the radio on
Something by Tom Waits
It makes me think of you
Like everything else ‘round here
I don’t know what to do
Shoulda started moving on by now
Just can’t seem to say goodbye Marie

V2
I got nothing but time
To think about the way it ought to be
It ain’t no good at all
But I can’t say
What I need to move it down the line
But that’s how it’s gonna be for me Marie

Bridge
Goodbye Marie
Thinking how you got the best of me
Good-bye Marie
Don’t you ever change
And don’t you go round think bout the way it used to be
Goodbye Marie

V3
I like my coffee black
Keeps me up all night but I don’t mind
Do a little reading, watch the news
Just don’t want to dream no more of you
One of these days I’ll say good bye Marie

Bridge
Goodbye Marie
I wonder what it was with you and me
Goodbye Marie
I didn’t have a clue
Of what you really were, I guess I never knew goodbye Marie

[simonsays]

Hi Chris,
welcome to the forum! You're forewarned ... I tend to give Simon Cowell ... tell it like I see it crits! (and I perhaps ... like ellipses too much. )

Hi - This is my first post in this forum. This is a song I am currently working on. This is a bout a guy having trouble saying "goodbye" to his ex. It's still raw and you can find a scratch demo here:

http://www.reverbnation.com/chriswalter

All comments appreciated! Thanks,
Chris

Here are the lyrics:


Goodbye Marie Nice Title. Short. To the point. And it just sounds good.

V1
I go(t?) the radio on I hope that's a typo?
Something by Tom Waits
It makes me think of you
Like everything else ‘round here
I don’t know what to do
Shoulda started moving on by now
Just can’t seem to say goodbye Marie Chris, this line seems like a refrain to me. Without any chorus showing ... I was kind of expecting a repeated refrain at the end of each verse. You do repeat 'goodbye Marie' ... but I thought all refrains must remain the same? (like Simon and Garfunkels famous "I am a rock" "I am an island.") (But maybe that's not a fast and hard rule?)

V2
I got nothing but time
To think about the way (it this?) ought to be Recommended for (think/this) alliteration.
It ain’t no good at all
But I can’t say
What I need to move it down the line
But that’s how it’s gonna be for me Marie

Bridge
Goodbye Marie
Thinking how you got the best of me Did she 'best him'? or get the best from him?
Good-bye Marie
Don’t you ever change
And don’t you go round think('n?) bout the way it used to be
Goodbye Marie

V3
I like my coffee black Ok, I'm not really a coffee person, but I would expect adding cream and sugar would keep him up. Black isn't necessarily decaffeinated ... or is it?
Keeps me up all night but I don’t mind
Do a little reading, watch the news
Just don’t want to dream no more of you
One of these days I’ll say good bye Marie

Bridge
Goodbye Marie
I wonder what it was with you and me
Goodbye Marie
I didn’t have a clue
Of (what who?) you really were, I guess I never knew goodbye Marie

I still don't know either, unfortunately. IMO, here's where specifics make a song.

Chris, I think the rhymin' was ok in this song. But there ought to be more substance/more details, and some twists? ... for this to be truly memorable. I hope my feedback was helpful.
Steve (aka, SimonSays)

[CJW]

Steve,

Thanks for the reply! You are right about the details - The lyrics needs a little something to help define the situation - the first pass is too bland as written.

Chris