Another return-can anyone help a writer out?

[JonBHC]

I'm having a rough time getting anything through this year. I submit a lot of instrumentals in various rock/indie categories and this is one of my latest returns.

https://soundcloud.com/jon-browning-bhc/talking-walls

I would appreciate anyone's input on how I can improve this track to increase my odds of a forward next time. I received straight 7's on the review so it seems I have a fair amount of work to do. I often wonder how much or little lead/melody I should add on top of these instrumental rock tunes.

jb

[Piewackit1]

No real melody (to me) in your song. Seems to wander on with no real hook to grab the listener.

I'm having some problems getting forwarded this year as well...I think only 1 song to date...so maybe my advise should be taken with a grain of salt.

I would focus on a melodic hook and try building the song around it.

I try to picture the intended listener and make something I think would grab their interests. I wish I could be more descriptive than that, but my command of the English language is poor.

Keep writing...your stuff is good.

[JonBHC]

Thanks for the advice Piewackit1. I tend to write melodies that don't stand out, thinking that I don't want to distract what's happening in the video. I'll try to add some more hooky stuff in there for a change.

[eeoo]

Really the only way to get any real world advice is to post the listing as well. The same song that gets returned for one listing can be perfect for another so any advice without the listing is kind of a shot in the dark.

eo

[Casey H]

I agree with eeoo that without knowing the target, it's hard to say. For the right listing, it could work. Listings which are looking for a strong melodic theme probably wouldn't be right for this. However, for (one example) cable TV background cues, it could work well.

One suggestion I have is to trim of some of the beginning of this track, shortening it. You have some good, more melodic stuff going on starting at around 00:57 and I'd get there much sooner so you don't lose the listener. It our biz, it's best to get to "the meat" faster.

Best,
Casey

[JonBHC]

Hey guys thanks for responding, your help is much appreciated.

I was told Talking Walls was too dark for the listing, which I'm not bummed about. I'm just want to start getting the rock tunes through and am weeding through my week areas.


S130514RI

CONTEMPORARY INDIE ROCK INSTRUMENTALS that could fall in the wide range of "Two Weeks" by the Grizzly Bears, "Ruin" by Cat Power, "Generator (First Floor)" by Freelance Whales, etc., are needed by the owner of a very successful Instrumental Music Library running their VERY FIRST listing with TAXI! They're looking for Instrumentals that would work well for various Advertisement Placements. Although the three referenced artists are different in terms of style and sound, they're all very commercial and have a super cool Indie band/Indie artist vibe. Submit Instrumentals that are upbeat and have a "fun" energy. All tempos are welcome for this listing, but uptempo is probably most useable. This company offers a non-exclusive deal. You must own or control 100% of your master and copyright to submit for this request. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Tuesday, May 14, 2013. TAXI #S130514RI

"Nice - much punchier and impactful (melodically and engineering wise).
Yet, I honestly still don't hear as memorable an approach as forwarding criteria
like Grizzly Bear's "Two weeks." This track is a bit moodier and slightly
darker vs. what this exec demands...."

[LittleRedChurch]

Jon

I know the world of returns. Went about 35 till about three months ago... great for the ego, no?
You're good! It's quirky and appealing. For that Two Weeks listing though, I'd say yours doesn't have that sort of twisted fun 50's feel. I REALLY like the Grizzly bears and I've broken some of their songs down. Their chordal arrangements are absolutley bizzare. Defy, logic. Especially Two Weeks. It's super hard to write in the indie vein, but I'd say, as I'm sure you know, use their chordal arrangement. try not to deviate. Put your own melody in and timbre. Though I'd be tempted to have some nod to the 50's. I knidda see Fun the band vaguely fitting into this camp. A sort of 50's heart with a David Lynch mind. Piano triad chord banging up top or verby strat coming out of one speaker... Ya know? lol

Specifically, I'd say the part that struck me as Grizzly Bears was that bit at the 1:30 mark till 1:40 ish? You repeat it. I'd build the song on that bit. I personally like that slide electric but I wonder if it doesn't harken back to the wrong era? 70's Floyd, which could work but maybe not here...

You're good! Hope this helps. IMO IMO

Graham

[Kolstad]

As an alternative to working from a bed of harmony, maybe you could try working from a riff, add and subtract some instruments, and do some variations on the riff throughout?

[sguiles]

I really REALLY dig your track. I think there were a few rhythm things that bugged me, but it's super cool sounding.

Now, I also agree with a few above here, it's less like the ala track. Everything is more reverb drenched and distort-y. Cool, weird panning too.

[andygabrys]

that's a hard one trying to make an instrumental with the same feel as the Grizzly Bear tune where the vocals (esp. the faux beach boys aspect of them) is such an integral part of the finished song.

Everybody had some good points.

here's my take (which is really restating all that which has been posted) - which is right on as I work in the department of redundancy department.

Most instrumentals will pass if they are over 2:00 in length. Yours is almost 3:00. So you could cut some of the bits where it wasn't developing fast. I often will do that, compose something longer than it needs to be and then hack and slash to bring out a really strong thread.

Like Casey said, the intro goes on for a while. fine if there was a vocal to hold your attention, but an instrumental you would want to bring stuff in quicker. Or layer it in so that something is happening every 4 bars. Anything to make it feel more like a standalone track and not something lacking a vocal.

the bass taking the melody at 0:30 is bold. At this point it sounds like the bottom fell out, energy stops, and it sounds like the bass is meandering rather than playing a really hooky melody (to me).

It works better in the end of the song at 2:14 area cause it sounds like the bass is playing counterpoint to the guitar. And it also sounds like a little breath of fresh air and a little breakdown by having the bass up high.

the part with the Marimba at the beginning and at about 1:00 sounds like kinda the same part, but the marimba is playing something different. Maybe this would have been a spot to keep the marimba playing the same thing (a recognizable ostinato) and add a guitar line over top - so it sounds like a development of the intro idea.