Chalk One Up For Karma

[LooknGlass]

Rough draft that I haven't put time into cleaning up yet. Crits would be welcome as usual.




You left him for his best friend
who in turn left you for yours
Now you've joined him in heartbreak
and the pain that he endures

Chalk one up for karma
It'll have its day
Chalk one up for karma
It'll find you out and have its way
Yea, chalk one up for karma
It dispenses justice deserved
You get what's given, it's natures mechanism
to right wrongs it's observed
Chalk one up for karma

You say you don't deserve this
but you're blind to your own deeds
Your self absorption's made you calloused
to people's feelings and needs

Chalk one up for karma
It'll have its day
Chalk one up for karma
It'll find you out and have its way
Yea, chalk one up for karma
It dispenses justice deserved
You get what's given, it's natures mechanism
to right wrongs it's observed
Chalk one up for karma

(Bridge)
Don't think we can get away unscathed
Someday we will pay for what we've done
The past has a way of coming back and biting us on the ass
and getting its revenge on everyone

Chalk one up for karma
It'll have its day
Chalk one up for karma
It'll find you out and have its way
Yea, chalk one up for karma
It dispenses justice deserved
You get what's given, it's natures mechanism
to right wrongs it's observed
Chalk one up for karma

© L. James Tanner

[GlennPageMusic]

Hi! Thanks for sharing.


I think this is okay, but it definitely has a "country" feel to it, and as such I would make it a bit more conversational and possibly more "active", with the singer more down-in-the-trenches and engaged in the narrative. I definitely feel this could benefit from some re-writing.


I also feel like some of the language could be more colorful, playful and jokey. It seems a bit dour in its present incarnation.


To show what I mean, below are some tweaks thatI came up with off-the-cuff. Feel free to twist them or maybe they'll spur some ideas of your own. Take them for what they're worth, coming from someone who taxi has rejected about 60 billion times, give or take 5 or 6. Also understand that I am not familiar with the rhythm and melody of the song, so not all of these suggestions may "fit." But hopefully you'll get the general spirit of what I'm saying.

You left him for his best friend
who in turn left you for yours
Now you've joined him in heartbreak
and the pain that he endures

"You left him for his best friend,
who turned around and left for yours,
Now you're stewing in the heartbreak,
Like the kind that he endures."

Chalk one up for karma
It'll have its day
Chalk one up for karma
It'll find you out and have its way
Yea, chalk one up for karma
It dispenses justice deserved
You get what's given, it's natures mechanism
to right wrongs it's observed
Chalk one up for karma

"Chalk one up for karma
Dalai Lama's gonna have his day,
Chalk one up for karma,
Man, you better get outta its way,
Yeah, chalk one up for karma
You can dodge but it can swerve
It's fate's mechanism, a boomerang prison,
You're gonna get what you deserve
Chalk one up for Karma"

You say you don't deserve this
but you're blind to your own deeds
Your self absorption's made you calloused
to people's feelings and needs

And so on!

Of course, that may not be the tone you're going for, but I just feel like it's a little too clinical and "dry" right now....


Also, it does (slightly) call to mind "Instant Karma" by John Lennon, but only old farts like me remember that song and there's nothing new under the sun, anyway.


Hope that helps!


Glenn Page
http://www.facebook.com/glennpagemusicofficial

[LooknGlass]

Thanks for reading and commenting Glenn. I appreciate the feedback. This is actually a hard rock song with a driving beat. I went for drive over substance. Some of your suggestions are definitely worth looking into, and in fact I will look into it and mull them over. Always appreciate suggestions and input.