Return for Singer-Songwriter tune S130906AS

[Piewackit1]

Great song Bob,

Also, you have a nice lyrical hook with "build a bigger fire." However, more of the verse lyrics could directly set-up or "point-to" this important lyrical hook.

I have to agree with this statement. I want the song to have more forward momentum into that line(Build a bigger fire) somehow. I wish I could explain better..I know that doesn't help you much...but that is what I feel.

Your guitar playing is great!

[beesea]

Thanks for the feedback, Pie & VTrails. It does help! Gives me some things to build on.

[CrimsnSyrn]

Hi Beesea,

I just wanted to say - I REALLY love this - just lovely and great production!!

That bridge is fantastic!

I would say the one weakness is that first melodic line of the chorus - often you will hear choruses that start higher and then go back down into the range of the verse, but rarely vice versa. You probably wouldn't have to tweak this much.

I thoroughly enjoyed it, as is.

I'm looking forward to listening to more of your music!

[beesea]

Thanks for the kind words, Juliet! Yes, I was pretty happy with how the bridge worked in this tune.

So to follow up, I just got another return on this one (that makes 5 or 6 on this song now), this time for this listing:

ACOUSTIC-BASED, 1970s style SINGER/SONGWRITER SONGS that have the timeless quality of songs by Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, James Taylor, etc., are needed by the Owner of a Production Music Library pitching to a multitude of Film and TV opportunities. He's looking for songs that have an honest and genuine sounding vocal, with lyrics that are universal and engaging. Instrumentation can range from a solo guitar/vocal, to a more developed acoustic-based band sound.

Screener 374's concerns were also primarily lyric-based:

Hi Bob, Nice guitar work and I dig the chord progression. The song has a nice structure, but there are moments where I feel you could engage your listener a bit more, lyrically. How about a little more development on the (fire) "one that burned before" in lieu of two back to back verses about convincing this person to come with you (verse 2 & 3). Just a little more of an engaging, vivid picture of your lyrical theme would be a suggestion going forward.

I'm guessing that they meant verse 2 and bridge, as there is no verse 3. I really thought it was better to spend more time on the messages of "building a new start" (verse 2) and "reassurance" (bridge), than to dwell too long into past problems, which seems to be what this review suggests. Still though, two different screeners both mentioning similar lyric problems - there's got to be something to that. I really feel like I said what I wanted to say pretty well lyrically in this, and I do see everyone's point about melodic contrast in the chorus. But I also want some forwards! So, I think I am going to let this song sit for the time being, take in all of the feedback (screeners & fellow forum members alike), but focus on writing more "focused" lyrics. THEN remember to add some contrast between verses and choruses.

Thanks again everyone, I have seriously have learned a lot from the recent feedback on this one!