'Corners Of My Mind' A Few Questions...

[AmandaJane]

Hi Guys

I'd love some feedback on these lyrics please.
Especially in relation to: do they tell the story ? does the progression from v1 to v2, then ch and v3, make sense in terms of what it says ?
What do you think of the title in relation to the song ? Is it appropriate and useful ?

And of course, any other thoughts you may have on them

Much appreciated - Amanda


Corners Of My Mind

Verse 1
Please learn to trust me now,
Honey, I ain’t done no wrong.
I really thought our love
Was good and strong.

Verse 2
Oh there’s so much to see,
That I don’t want to hear
Other’s endless thoughts of who
They can and cannot fear.

Bridge (maybe)
Leave suspicion at the door (and) I’ll love you for evermore,
Shut the world out and look into my eyes.

Chorus
Baby, who can I trust
When I know that I must,
Have suspicion in the corners of my mind.
Baby, who can I trust
When loves nothing but dust,
Just suspicion in the corners of my mind.

Verse 3
Honey, please don’t leave our love
Out in the cold to freeze as ice.
Come and warm your heart by me,
And don’t think twice...

Leave suspicion at the door and don’t think twice.

Chorus
Baby, who can I trust
When I know that I must,
Have suspicion in the corners of my mind.
Baby, who can I trust
When loves nothing but dust,
Just suspicion in the corners of my mind.

Copyright @ Amanda J Anderson 2013

[AmandaJane]

I also meant to add a note at the bottom to say that I am thinking that the verses should/could be 3 lines, rather than 4... by lifting the 4th line and tagging it onto the end of the 3rd.
Thus adding more tension, less security...
I am note sure....

[LooknGlass]

I like it and I like the concept; although verse 2 seemed vague to me. I'm not sure I understand that verse totally. It could be because I'm tired and missed something (that happens) I do find myself wondering why she "must" have suspicions in her mind and question "why is she suspicious?" We are not let in on that. Still overall, I think this is a good draft and it's obvious you are a good writer. These are just my thought's and opinions at first reading. Nice work.

[AmandaJane]

Thank you Looknglass
Your feedback is very useful and certainly helps answer some of the questions I had in my head.
I will work on a way to make what she/he is suspicious about, and to tighten up v2.

Bit of trivia: I actually wrote it for a Taxi listing almost a year ago. They wanted a song about suspicion, citing Elvis Presley - 'Suspicious Minds' as the reference... and I am a massive Elvis fan. My husband was to sing and record it. We only ever got to the draft stage as we weren't quick enough !

Thank you again for taking the time to help me Much appreciated.
Amanda

[AmandaJane]

Thank you so much to all who gave me feedback, both here on the post and also via pvt message. It was really appreciated, and very helpful.

I have tweeked a good bit and come up with a rough draft v2 - defo not finished, but I'm happier with the direction of this version, and that's thanks to the feedback on here. And yes, the title has changed

Together We Will Soar

Verse 1
Please learn to trust me now,
Honey, I ain’t done no wrong.
I really thought our love
Was good and strong.

Verse 2
Oh there’s so much to know,
That I don’t want to hear,
Your endless thoughts of who
You can and cannot fear.

Pre Chorus
Put it out of your head, hold me close and then

Chorus
Together we will shout!
And together we will soar!
Fly away from all this doubt
Cus we've a love we can't ignore
So together we will shout
And together we will soar!

Verse 3
Please don’t leave our love
In the cold to freeze as ice.
Come and warm your heart,
And don’t think twice...

Come and warm your heart and don't think twice

Chorus
Together we will shout!
And together we will soar!
Fly away from all this doubt
Cus we've a love we can't ignore
So together we will shout
And together we will soar!