Let's pretend we never met

[Bliciouz]

Hey guys,

Haven't been very active lately due to school but today I've been working on a new song.
I'm still working on more verses but I'd really like to have some feedback on the overall feel and the song structure.
Should I add another verse before the pre-chorus bit and should I extend the pre-chorus or keep it this short?
All feedback is very welcome!

https://soundcloud.com/bertvdwal/letspretendwenevermet

Thanks for taking the time to help me out!

Bert

[cassmcentee]

Really Nice Bert!
I'm thinking that after the second repeat of the chorus line "Let's pretend..." you could jump right into a second verse.
To me the lines following "Let's pretend..." feel closer to being a bridge
So if you add a seconed verse, then what feels like a bridge to me will be in a perfect spot the second time around.
Very nice tune!
Cass

[Bliciouz]

Hey Cass

Thanks for the feedback. What line do you mean exactly, the second line of the chorus? Or the last one (third)?
It seems like you meant the second, if so I don't really understand what you mean by going into the second verse there. I'd cut off the melody of the chorus there.
One more question. My sister thought there was to much rhyme in the song. I was thinking about that myself but I think it adds smething to the song. What do you guys think?

Once again, all feedback is very welcome since I'm still pretty new at this

Grtz Bert

[nick.moxsom]

I like it as it is, Bert.

Don't get me wrong; Cass is a very nice guy, but I disagree with him here. I think the chorus line is strong enough not to sound like the bridge, but the third and fourth lines of the chorus could be stronger.

Also (a minor point, but it struck me, so I'll say it) – it's mostly sung to 'you' except for the line 'my baby...' – I know that's technically OK but I'm just sayin', it tripped me up. It might be stronger if re-worded.

Nice idea, nice voice.

Nick

[funsongs]

Howdy, Bert.
For what it's worth, I wish you had posted the lyrics on the SC page; would be nice to read them, and follow along during the listen. It also aids in dissecting the other comments, when you're asking for them.
Nice tune; I like the little pause and suspense before the "Let's pretend..." line comes in...
around :35-:37
Cheers.
Peter

[Bliciouz]

Hey guys,

Thank you, really helpfull comments. I'm still strugling with the re-writing part of songwriting I tend to get stuck on the first lines I put to paper. I'll have to keep working on that. I'll definitly try to find some more original lines and I'll put the lyrics on next time. Thanks for that tip, never even came to my mind

Bert

[AmandaJane]

Hi Bert

The thing about rhyme, or a lot of it, in a song, is that it will create a positive/strong/upbeat feel, ie stability - lack of rhyme, or less strong rhymes, create a less stable feel, leaving your listeners wondering, or feeling down or sad, and so on... Its a generalisation of course, and there are bound to be exceptions.

Without a lyric sheet for the song, I am thinking that your verse is more along the 'unstable' line, (oh why did/is this happening , I'm so sad etc) and the chorus is a more positive , stable kind thought from yourself.... So if it was me i'd either have no rhyme, or very weak family rhymes in the verse, and much stronger, maybe perfect sounding rhymes, in the chorus. But if you could post a lyric sheet that would be great !

[AmandaJane]

Having written what I did above - I wanted to say that there are many exceptions that seem to work also

Edit: Just read that back and noticed the wonderful grammar...

[Bliciouz]

Hey Amanda,

Thanks for the feedback.
I wish I had better recording equipment but for now my phone will have to do so sorry for the gritty recording quality.
Here are the lyrics for you all:

Verse:
Maybe I, never really tried
to keep you by my side
to keep my baby satisfied
and maybe you, never really knew
just what I felt for you
and all the things that I would do

Pre-chorus:
So tonight, if it's allright
I propose a different try

Chorus:
Let's pretend that we never met
Let's pretend that we never had
A love so pure, a love so true
A love that gets the better of you
And though we know we'll never forget
Let's just pretend that we never met

The song is about a relationship that wasn't very good and one of the lovers proposing to give it another/different try.
I was thinking that the verse and chorus might do quite well but the pre-chorus feels to quick or something. But I haven't figured out a way around it whilst still keeping the message in it.

Grtz Bert

Edit: oh and the chorus is ofcourse not right since it suggests the opposite of the verse so I have to rewrite those three lines

[cassmcentee]

I just listened again and think Nick's points are dead on!
Forget what I posted earlier...