Modern Country feedback

[JAMRecording]

This is our second attempt at a modern country song. Our first didn't make the cut. This song/style was a bit out of our wheelhouse. There are a few listings I think it could work on. Feedback would be great.


https://soundcloud.com/jamrecordingcomp ... -licensing

Here's the lyrics.

Next Train

You were just another face from out of town
And I was working that day at the auto shop when your old blue ford broke down
You came inside it took me by surprise and I swear
There was something in your eyes you really blew my breath away
I fixed you up and said goodbye ​but you never left me and I’m standing here denying it

​I can’t stop thinking about you now
​Wanna buy me a ticket to your home town
​And I’ll leave here on the next train
​I wanna spend my money and all my time
​Just to find you and make you mine
​Yeah I’ll leave here on the next train

I found a cell phone number in the paperwork at the shop
Then I heard a sweet sweet voice you said to leave a message
And then I had to think on my feet
I didn’t know what to say I think I just laughed and left my name
Got a text with an address it said “come and find me” right away boy I started running

​Cause I can’t stop thinking about you now
​I’m gonna buy me a ticket to your home town
​And I’m leaving on the next train
​I’m gonna spend my money and all my time
​I’m gonna you and make you mine
​Yeah I’m leaving on the next train


Already packed my bags I won’t waste any time
Gonna ride these rails across state lines
And I’ll be there standing at your front steps in the morning

​I can’t stop thinking about you now
​Bought a one way ticket to your home town
​And I’ll be there on the next train
​I spend my money to my last dime
​Just to find you woman and made you mine
​Yeah I’ll be there on the next train
​On the next train
​You know I’ll be on the next train
​On the next train.

[RockChild56]

(Hay) JAM,
For the most part the song has a nice modern country sound, (the vocals on the intro sound...Odd)
to me. Sort of a flanged or phased effect.
I think it would help if you posted the Lyrics. So you could get some input on them.
Like, the line "I'm gonna buy a ticket to your home town" could be better, but maybe it fits the story IDK.
It hit me as odd each time I heard it.
And as you know, in Country, the Lyrics RULE.

Good Luck,

EJB

[JAMRecording]

(Hay) JAM,
For the most part the song has a nice modern country sound, (the vocals on the intro sound...Odd)
to me. Sort of a flanged or phased effect.
I think it would help if you posted the Lyrics. So you could get some input on them.
Like, the line "I'm gonna buy a ticket to your home town" could be better, but maybe it fits the story IDK.
It hit me as odd each time I heard it.
And as you know, in Country, the Lyrics RULE.

Good Luck,

EJB

Lyrics added.

Yeah, we were toying around with some stereo imaging on the vox.

[mikemichnya]

Hey Alex and Kyle,

I listened to your song a few times, and it's got some good stuff going on. The arrangement and production both sounded really solid, the chorus is strong (although I had one issue with it), and you got to it quick, at about the 39 sec mark, so that's a plus. The female bg vocals were also a nice touch, and if that's you singing, you've got a voice for country.

That said, IMHO, I think the verses (especially) need to be stronger lyrically and melodically to be competitive... The premise reminded me of the Billy Currington song (written by Luke Bryan and Rachel Thibodeau) “Good Directions.” (Check out the lyrics for an excellent example of contemporary country songwriting. It's chock full of visuals ~ pork rinds, turnip greens, Hollywood license plate, and more. I recommend using the lyric structure – line lengths, rhyme scheme, etc. - as a template.)

In the first verse, the lines “you were just another face from out of town” and “there was something in your eyes really blew my breath away” are a bit of a contradiction to my ear. Either she's “just another face” or she “blew my breath away”...

Odd numbers of lines (whether in verses or choruses), according to Pat Pattison, are “unstable”, but while you wrote five line verses, I heard 'em more like this...

You were just another face from out of town
And I was working that day at the auto shop (show, don't tell!)
when your old blue ford broke down (the big pause after the first line made your second line sound rushed to my ear)
You came inside it took me by surprise (I don't think you need this line or the two after...)
There was something in your eyes (but if you keep it, you could end this verse here...)
you really blew my breath away (or here...)
I fixed you up and said goodbye ​(or here...)
but you never left me and now I’m standing here denying (I'd go right from the "broke down" line to the "I fixed you up..." line so the opposite effect really pops out)

I found a cell phone number in the paperwork at the shop
Then I heard a sweet sweet voice
you said to leave a message (these lines had the same problem as first verse.)
And then I had to think on my feet (I don't think this line really adds anything to the story...)
I didn’t know what to say (or this one..)
I think I just laughed and left my name (less is more. Drop the “I think” and the "just" ~ "I laughed and left my name")
Got a text with an address (I don't think you set it up well enough for this idea to be believable)
it said “come and find me” right away boy I started running

So your rhyme scheme for verse 1 is AXABBXBB... But the rhyme scheme for verse 2 is XXXXAAXX... Which is completely different (and has hardly any rhyme for such a long verse - a missed opportunity, IMHO)... One thing that I think would help is to pick a rhyme scheme and stick with it in both verses. The second verse seemed very rambling lyrically, and left me flat. I also didn't buy the idea that a woman from out of town that you met fixing her car would text you her home address after just leaving your name that she maybe heard once or twice UNLESS you did something or she felt some spark, but you didn't tell us that in the first verse...

Melodically, I like the verse opening line (although I thought the song could've used a bit of an intro, if only a couple of bars), but then you get away from it with something that felt rushed. I wanted to hear that first line again, before you varied it, and I wanted more consistency in the lyrics line lengths and rhythm of the words from line to line. Pop has influenced contemporary country such that even verses need to be hooky, and I think you could work a little harder there. (Not that I'm a great melody writer. )

But the biggest thing for me is that I don't really buy "the next train" as the hook. If your singer is fixing cars in an auto shop, I expect him to be a gear head, to have a car of his own and to DRIVE it to the girl, not take the train, ferchrisake... Since she's from out of town, maybe I'd buy “the next plane”, but the story has to be compelling. That distracted me from the otherwise solid chorus.

Guys, I think the quality of the music and production is competitive (I wish I could produce stuff with your values!!), and the song has potential based on the chorus alone. I hope you consider re-writing the lyrics. Whatever you decide, I'll be curious to hear what you do with it. Good luck!

[lesmac]

Congratulations on picking a genre with the most intense competition and the highest bar for saying things in unique ways on the planet.
If you are pitching to artists multiply it by 10.
I'd suck in what has been said in the previous posts cause they've given you gold.
You know your production is up to the mark and you know what area to concentrate on.
Not saying I could do any better, good luck with it.

[JAMRecording]

Thanks guys! Great feedback.

[VanderBoegh]

Hey guys, really cool song. I agree and echo the sentiments of the people above me. The first verse lyrics / delivery didn't quite work for me.

Killer chorus though! The only issue I have with it is the "leaving on the next train" line. Do people really ride on trains anymore? Maybe back in the 70's, but not anymore. You might consider changing that word to "plane" instead.

Also, watch the over saturation of reverb. This song is swimming in it, and that's kind of a relic of a bygone musical era.

~~Matt

[michael11]

I think the hook is great.

However,the first half of the first verse,the vocal seemed flat,almost imperceptibly flat but just enough to draw the wrong sort of analytical as opposed to enjoying attention to it.

Other than that,a ton of good stuff.

Michael.

[feaker66]

Yup, this is very good IMHO Like the impulsiveness of it all. Great story and production

Sincerely

Paul

[SteveJCurtis]

Hi there. All the crits above seem spot on and I look forward to hearing the next version. I reckon it'll be a killer track then! Great production so far.
Best / Steve