Struggling with this, #347 – all honest advice welcome

[nick.moxsom]

I'm burning about this one. I dunno how much closer I can get. The listing asks for pop songs, NOT dance tracks. I used Ellie Goulding's 'Burn' as a reference, since I figured 366m views counted for something. I'd love to know where I missed the mark. If my song had been accompanied by a video showing young women in their bedrooms punching the air and throwing off their burkas or pushing their bullying brothers aside, would this have affected the crit? Brutal honesty required, please. No politeness required. Many thanks in advance for your insight.

Here's the listing:

FEMALE EMPOWERMENT POP SONGS with Female Vocals are needed by a Top-Tier Music Licensing Company with a gargantuan list of killer placements in Feature Films, Hit TV Shows, Trailers, and TV Commercials. Please submit current-sounding, Mid-to-Up-Tempo Songs that could be heard on the same playlist as "Roar" by Katy Perry, "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson, "U + Ur Hand" by P!nk, etc. Give them girl-power songs that are rhythmically, melodically, and lyrically engaging, with attention-grabbing hooks, and a big memorable chorus. The more universal your lyrics are the better, so please avoid specific names, places, dates, times, and brands. Do NOT copy or rip off the referenced artists in any way, shape, or form. Use them only as a general guide for feel, texture, tone, and vibe. Broadcast quality is needed (great sounding home recordings are fine). They're looking for songs with lyrics at this time, but they may be interested in an instrumental version, so please have that on hand if they decide to offer you a deal. This company offers an EXCLUSIVE deal, so please be sure the songs you pitch for this opportunity are NOT already signed with any other Libraries or Catalogs. TAXI ‪#‎S150623FP‬

Here's the track:
https://soundcloud.com/nickmoxsom/you-c ... e-williams

Here's the crit:

All 9's except for Production, Musicianship and Lead Vocal (all 8's). On Target for the listing.

"Hi Nick, I have to tell you that I am a bit conflicted on this one. I think the melody is super catchy from verse to chorus with each section moving, popping and relating to one another without feeling too similar. I love the hook for this listing and I think the singer has a really sweet, fun, contemporary voice. I find the lyrics of the first and second verses to be lacking some freshness and connection, its more a list of expected "empowerment" ideas than an actual story but I think you pull it together really well through the rest of the song. My main concern with this song, Nick, is the production/arrangement. I think everything sounds good but I feel like the song creates this expectation of hitting that big, jump up and dance, hands in the air, sing a long Pop anthem but never delivers. I am a fan of a slow build to create tension but I find that the build is just too slow for the song style and lyric and hook melody and ultimately doesn't builds enough to really live up to the promise and the song is left feeling incomplete. "

"Overall, Nick, I think this song is really close. I think the intro is great. I think the way you bring up the instrumentation under the vocals is really effective and the drum beat through the first two verses builds nice tension. I think that dropping the drums on the pre chorus is awesome because it really accentuates that tension even more but to me, what it does is create this promise of this huge, pumping, in your face chorus/Hook and when that doesn't happen, I worry that the energy drops too much and the listener is going to kind of loose the hook. I appreciate the idea that you want to save something for the final choruses but I don't really hear those hitting either. I think the electro drop on the second hook is interesting but I don't feel like you have built enough to allow for a drop and I worry that it just brings the song down even more. I think that a fuller drum beat and slightly bigger vocals on the first pass of the hook section and then hitting even more on the second would allow you that build and ultimately create this great arc throughout the song. I think that would then allow you that drop as long as you bring it back with a super strong ending. "

"I find that the lyrics and melody and instrumental movement through the first chorus promise this build on the hook and when it doesn't come the song ends up feeling a bit incomplete and the instrumentation and vocal power ultimately doesn't properly support the energy of the lyrics. "

[Paulie]

Great track all around. But, I can see where the screener is coming from. Would I return this based on the missed expectation of a bigger chorus? No. I would forward kit based on the lyrics and overall vibe. Here are my comments as I listen again:

• 0:38 - It might be a little risky to present the first chorus toned down like you did, I wanted to hear more here.
• Overall I think the drums are a little stuffy or muddy. I would like to hear a more crisp snare and a more bitting kick drum.
• Bass panned left? I would keep it center, the right side sounds empty.
• 1:50 I like the drop. No, I love it. Needs to sound clearer or brighter re: EQ. Are you doing anything to the final output like adding Mix Buss Lite or Sausage Fattener?
• Very catchy, great vocal with nice personality.

I like it, but there are a few minor mixing changes I would make before forwarding it for sure. Perhaps some more experienced ears will have more to say.

[funsongs]

fwiw: I recall the thread 'debate' about the title for this track from quite awhile back; but I won't reiterate any of that, since you seemed to have stuck with what you had.

I tend to agree with Paulie, particularly about the 'dullness' of the drum/percussion track.
It lacks that 'in-your-face' presence I would expect from a radio-ready mix.
Not enough "pop" for a pop song, imho.

Would also agree it's 'really close' to being really good. It certainly has all the characteristics of the style and genre to be on a playlist with those referenced artists; again, imho.

Other than that: great song.
hth,

[VanderBoegh]

Hey Nick, I really dig this song. And I think the vocalist is really great. Hang on to that girl!

I agree with the screener here, in that i also think that the chorus never really punches the listener in the face. In fact, the first pass through the chorus is a subtractive production rather than going balls-to-the-wall, and for an empowerment song I think that a punishing chorus is definitely in order.

I also think the drums could use a bit more bite, but they didn't bother me all that much. Might be worth tweaking on them a bit though.

Best of luck with this song. While it might not have made the cut for this empowerment listing, it could probably stand a good chance in other more generic pop listings.

~~Matt

[Axuel]

Hey Nick, first of all this was a high bar film and TV listing, so don't take it to hard. You were close so thats a good thing.

The listing was asking for memorable big choruses. I think your chorus is memorable but not big. I'm not sure what you think is the big different between dance and pop. But Roar and Stronger have some huge choruses. Burn has a huge chorus with some huge drums and synths and a dance synth pop vibe. No offense but just taking Burn as a reference doesn't make your song Burn. It's not even close.

Since your chorus is lacking the huge power, after the chorus when it goes back to the verse it feels like something is missing.

I think it's not a big problem to make your chorus huge. Just automate the overall volume up 2 db, automate the synth, play with the filters and adsr settings, add some percussion hi hat loops maybe?pan the synth wide left and right and so on, more background vocals and reverb. Make it huge and the when it goes back to the verse everything calms down a bit, and starts to build again.

You have a good critic and the screener obviously took his time to write you a lot. So don't blame him or a missing video, cause it doesn't make the chorus huge.

Best Regards,
Axel

[nick.moxsom]

Great advice, everyone. Many thanks.

Funny how I can write the song but somehow can't hear what it sounds like.

Back to the drawing board.

Nick