Pyramid Scheme

[good4somethingbum]

Pyramid Scheme ©2016 Robert George BMI

I was sittin’ in that one room dump,
Feelin’ like a useless chump
Scarfin’ bags of chips and watchin’ DeadPool
Shoulda been more like my brother Kyle,
Lawd, it made my mother smile
When that mama’s boy got into med school

Then I turned the TV off and started playin’ solitaire
Thinkin’ all my luck was lacking and that fate had been unfair
Then I got a voice mail sayin’ Kevin called in sick that night
So I pressed my uniform, got dressed and grabbed my big flashlight

Took a cab to 42nd street,
Then forgot the damn receipt
So I couldn’t turn in my per diem
Yeah, the best job I could find,
With a resume like mine
Was night watchman at a new museum

They had frozen mastodons and mammoths from Siberia
Iguanodon and stegosaurus fossils from Liberia
As I walked the steps I saw a sign above the arched doorway
For the next four weeks the prize of Cairo would be on display

There were carvings found beside the Nile,
Images of crocodiles
And tour guides were dressed-up as Egyptians
Near the fire axe along the hall,
Was a painting on the wall
With hieroglyphics and inscriptions

There were petrified felines and sacred plates and golden bowls
And the curse of Luxor was described in faded scrolls
And the iron coin of Karnak large in ancient lore and myth
Said by some to bring good luck to all it comes in contact with

Though that’s not what folks were payin’ for,
Or what got ‘em in the door
It’s the mummy that’s the main attraction
With a curse that spanned six thousand years,
That’s what sold the souvenirs
And what gave the crowds the best reaction

Well, I made my rounds and waited until ev’ryone was gone
Then I grabbed a People magazine and headed for the john
As I sat and read about Selena Gomez and the Biebs
I was shocked to see the stalls were redesigned to look like Thebes

Now, the other watchman was a rube,
He just sat there watchin’ tube
Some show with Rhianna in a G-string
He was poppin’ Advil for his gout,
When a shadow knocked him out
Took his flashlight, walkie and his keyring

Well, I heard a noise and rushed out to investigate
I saw two guys with black masks loading treasure in a crate
Then they walked into the big room where the mummy king was kept
Somethin’ knocked me cold and I’ve surmised what happened while I slept

He had been preserved with mystic herbs,
His rest should not be disturbed
For his dust reached back to death’s creation
I can’t say for sure but I suspect,
The amulet around his neck
Proved to be a great temptation

When they stole his magic keepsake something sparkled in his eyes
When the burglars left his chamber he began to stir and rise
It was right at midnight when a monstrous shadow shuffled through the door
And his outstretched arms were reaching for the dark forevermore

He was Hades wrapped in tattered rags,
Hexed by wicked, wrinkled hags,
Now somehow the King had fin’lly risen
And in the raging aftermath,
He’d unleash his hellish wrath
And the proud would share his cryptic prison

He found one guy stuffing silver trinkets in a canvas tote
And he moaned and wrapped his hands around that burglar’s throat
And beneath the bandages the mummy almost seemed to grin
The burglar’s faced turned purple and his tongue fell limply on his chin

Then his essence journeyed swift and far,
To a hut beneath the stars
Built by ancient bushmen of Botswana
He was migrant in a violent land,
Then he slept in silent sand
And rode the winds of Cameroon and Ghana

Crime and madness are the first forgotten womb of mystery
Such are resurrected from the rotten tomb of history
Then the second burglar suffered dearly for his foolish crime
And his spirit traveled through the bowels of hell and time

Well, I woke up slumped against a wall,
Saw a relic lyin’ in the hall
Picked it up and put it in my pocket
I could see the joint was bein’ robbed,
And I’d prob’ly lose my job
Maybe I could take that thing and hock it

Then I saw a masked man runnin’ with a tote bag full of loot
I could hear him screamin’ as he pulled a gun and turned to shoot
Somethin’ wrapped in tatters trapped him up against a hardwood case
And as he was choked his mask came off revealing Kevin’s face

Then that mummy turned and looked at me,
My first instinct was to flee
But I rolled the dice on something bolder
Smashed the hallway glass and grabbed the axe,
Took a coupla crazy whacks
And his big head tumbled off his shoulders

I guess fear and desperation has advantages
I watched him crumble in a pile of dust and bandages
People said I was a hero and I’d saved the day
My boss gave me three weeks off and two grand bonus pay

Well, I stumbled home that night to think,
Sat and poured myself a drink
And I mulled my life and circumstances
I knew it was that ancient good luck charm,
That had rescued me from harm
So I thought I oughtta take my chances

Maybe I could fix my future up with something permanent
Saw an internet announcement for a poker tournament
Seven hundred tables at the Luxor on the Vegas strip
Two grand was the entry fee and so I booked myself a trip

Well, that place looked like a pyramid,
The first dealer was a kid
Who was hummin’ “Walk Like an Egyptian”
The waitress wore a golden v-neck dress,
And had a tattoo on her chest
That looked like a mystical inscription

And the relic in my pocket had insured my luck
I won almost ev’ry hand and cashed in for a million bucks

Then that night I washed my shirt and jeans,
In the hotel’s big machine
And forgot to empty out my pocket
That so-called iron coin got bent,
It wouldn’t have been worth ten cents
If I’d have ever tried to hock it

All the golden plates and trinkets Kevin tried so hard to steal
It was all for nothing because almost none of it was real
It was stolen back in Cairo and replaced with fakes n frauds
What remained was just the mummy and the anger of the gods

So I bought myself a hundred acre place in Samoa
Occultists e-mail me all their theories,
And my tale is now a mini-series starring Jason Momoa
My media room looks like ancient Thebes
And I can fin’lly afford that bootleg of Sam the Sham at the BEEB

I’d been stranded in a pit of darkness on my own
And I didn’t know it but I climbed those dungeon walls alone
I learned curses are ethereal and fortune is a wraith
And neither has the power of self-confidence and faith

[good4somethingbum]