Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

Post Reply
brianrice
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:34 am
Gender: Male
Location: Scotland
Contact:

Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Post by brianrice » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:55 am

I'd really appreciate a critique of lyrics-in-the-making.
Feel like a country-suited set.

I'll say no more...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leaving For The Last Time

verse 1

Dropped the keys through the letter box
My footsteps echo down the stairs, one last time
I'm hailing down a taxi, mind so numb, in tears,
That it's come to this at last, after many hollow years
And the history's heavy on my mind
But given comfort, given time, I'll make the best of
what's left, and even what I left behind

Chorus

Leaving for the last time
Cause my time's too valuable
Leaving for the last time
But I couldn't say
You wouldn't listen
You've your lessons to learn, and I've got to get away from you
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

Verse 2

Not sure if my way is up or down for now
But I know that these are changes that I'll push through, somehow
And the friends you left behind still walk along with me
So I'll be safe to be, who I choose to be

Chorus 2

Leave for the last time
Cause you clouded all my sunshine
Leaving for the last time
Make a final claim, on what is mine
My soul's been waiting to rise up and light its rightful freedom
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

User avatar
funsongs
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 5137
Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
Gender: Male
Location: So Cal
Contact:

Re: Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Post by funsongs » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:03 am

Hey Brian - some good imagery content there; concern might be that it's all in the 1st person - "I"...
and without making it about "you", at least in the opening phrase - might not grab the listener to pay attention to the rest of your story.
Just a thought to consider. Also - how about telling us WHY - "leaving you for the last time..." what happened? Still - keeping it simple as possible.
Hope that helps.
Peter Rahill
website: www.peterrahill.com
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill - funsongs
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

CherylMitchell
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2016 2:18 pm
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Post by CherylMitchell » Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:43 am

Brian,
I saw your post and REALLY like the concept & emotion of your lyrics. However, I found myself struggling to read your lyrics with rhythm/in meter (if that makes sense). So, I just went for it and re-worked them kind as if they were my own. (Which I know they're not!)
I'm an idea person and I love to write, so I just couldn't stop myself. This is ALL just "for what it's worth".

For the Last Time

Dropped the keys through the letter box
Footsteps creak on the stairs
Waiting for the taxi, I feel numb and can't see through the tears
Don't believe it's come to this, after all these years
Memories heavy on my mind, but given comfort, given time,
I'll make the best of what's left, and what's next
Even what I left behind

Chorus:
Leaving for the last time
Cause time is all I have
Leaving for the last time
You wouldn't listen, I couldn't play the game
You've got lessons to learn, I've got to get away
So I'm leaving for the last time (x2)

Cheryl
Cheryl Mitchell
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.

https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs

User avatar
ScreamieBirds
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2018 6:52 pm
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Post by ScreamieBirds » Wed Jul 31, 2019 3:18 pm

Really like the story you’re telling here. One thing to keep in mind is that the second verse might want to
have the same rhyme scheme/line length as the first verse.

Hope this helps.
Kathy Holmes
Screamie Birds Studios
http://www.kathyholmes.net

User avatar
GBall
Active
Active
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:05 pm
Gender: Male
Location: DFW
Contact:

Re: Would appreciate critique on country (ish) lyrics

Post by GBall » Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:33 pm

Its going to be a great song IMO!

My thoughts are to leave the protagonist at the top of the stairs on the first verse, as that sets up the "Not sure my way is up or down for now" in the chorus with a double meaning. Then in verse two you put them in the taxi, and so the song gets a time based flow to it. I personally would NOT change up the chorus, I'd keep just the words in the first one.

I'd move some of the thoughts and introspection into the first verse, and move the action down to the second (the taxi, leaving)
in the first verse I'd have something like:

Dropped the keys through the letter box
Sounds as hollow as these final years
...

I might suggest putting some thought from the second chorus into a bridge if you need/want one. Whatever you think best represents your final conclusion...

Keep or sweep as you wish man...
Greg

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests