Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

Post Reply
CherylMitchell
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2016 2:18 pm
Gender: Female
Contact:

Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by CherylMitchell » Tue Aug 06, 2019 10:53 pm

Anybody care to give me your thoughts about these lyrics? Anything trip you up or cause you to have to read it twice?
Chorus right now is instrumental/vocal oo's - no lyrics.

Left to Chance

If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into forever but never free
Can I count on you to grab my hand
or will I be left to chance?

Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to show what's in your hand
or will we be left to chance?

What if you'd made a right when I went left
Would we have never met
I will count on us and make my bet
We are not left to chance

Let's roll the dice again and see what may
Maybe today's our day
I will count on us I've placed my bet
We are not left to chance
Cheryl Mitchell
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.

https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs

User avatar
funsongs
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 5105
Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
Gender: Male
Location: So Cal
Contact:

Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by funsongs » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:45 pm

Hi - my review 'technique' would be to offer possible replacement words, where something seems fuzzy/unclear (with an explanation) to consider; just my 2 cents worth:

Verse)
If gravity let go of me where would I be
Thrown into space but never set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")
Can I count on you to grab my hand
Refrain)
or will I be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)

Verse)
Sometimes the games we play walk a fine line
Is the next move yours or mine
Can I count on you to include me in your plan (avoid repeating use of same word - hand)

Refrain)
or will we be... left to chance?

Bridge)
What if you'd made a right when I went left (change the melody here - make this your "middle 8"?)
Where would we be, to never have never met (filling out, or completing the thought)

Refrain (removed that entire 3rd line/phrase - to be more concise)
I'm so glad... we are not left to chance (begin to bring in the hope & resolve - to flip it)

Ending/Verse)
Let's roll the dice again and see what can be (ditto)
Maybe today's our day - you and me
I will count on us I've placed my bet

Refrain)
Let us not just... be left to chance (empower yourself/yourselves/us)

Tag)
Let us be one - and not... left to chance (too corny?!)

Okay... sorry... feeling like the Song Surgeon here... more than 2 pennies...
Take or leave it... to chance!! :? :lol:
Last edited by funsongs on Sat Aug 10, 2019 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Peter Rahill
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

User avatar
funsongs
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 5105
Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
Gender: Male
Location: So Cal
Contact:

Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by funsongs » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:57 pm

Hi Cheryl...

here's another crazy idea... what if you changed up the order? like this:

Verse 1)
Could I count on you to grab my hand (get the "you" included in your first line)
If gravity let go of me?
Where would I be... thrown into space?!
But never to be set free (hard to connect loss of gravity & "forever")

Refrain)
or will it all be... left to chance? (if you're planning to repeat this, even melodically)
Peter Rahill
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

CherylMitchell
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2016 2:18 pm
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by CherylMitchell » Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:35 pm

@funsongs Your method of reviewing and contributing is great! I WANT lots of input. Thanks for your thoughts.
Cheryl Mitchell
Never be afraid to be yourself - an original is worth more than a copy.

https://soundcloud.com/cm-songs
https://taxi.com/cm-songs

User avatar
funsongs
Total Pro
Total Pro
Posts: 5105
Joined: Fri Sep 06, 2013 11:18 am
Gender: Male
Location: So Cal
Contact:

Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by funsongs » Thu Aug 08, 2019 1:53 pm

CherylMitchell wrote:
Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:35 pm
@funsongs Your method of reviewing and contributing is great! I WANT lots of input. Thanks for your thoughts.
Well, okay - cool. Was a little concerned it might seem heavy-handed.
Whatever helps, helps... toss the rest.
Now that you've caught my interest, I'm looking forward to see how you develop your song.
Cheers.
Peter Rahill
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

johnnyrowing
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 139
Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2017 1:22 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Contact:

Re: Indie/Folk S/S - Looking for feedback

Post by johnnyrowing » Fri Aug 09, 2019 9:56 pm

Nice feedback on the lyrics!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests