Need thoughts/suggestions on new lyrics

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jdkotaska
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Need thoughts/suggestions on new lyrics

Post by jdkotaska » Fri Aug 16, 2019 11:02 pm

Hey all,

I don't do much lyric writing at all -- once or twice a year, maybe. Therefore, I'm sure to have overlooked some details about coherence, flow, and generally interesting ideas. This song is supposed to be about the sun while also describing admiration for another person. Did I accomplish my goal? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

Promise of the Sun

(Verse 1)
With my own eyes I see you risin'
Back on the wall
I see it all
Inch by inch, you're mesmerizin'
Some things don't change
On any day
So follow your dreams
And let's enlighten!

(Chorus)
Give way to fantasy tonight
On some moonlit stage
Find a way to say goodbye
to being underrated
'Cause you're the greatest
And when our lives are shaded
You're gonna be the light

(Verse 2)
Vines on the trees, they keep on climbing
And down below
Roots dig in soil
Day after day, your light is shining
Keeping us warm
Yearning for more
Vitalizing streams
Pleasing, yet blinding

(Chorus)
Now give way to fantasy tonight
On some moonlit stage
And find a way to say goodbye
to being underrated
'Cause you're the greatest
And when our lives are shaded
You're gonna be the light

(Bridge)
TBD...

(Chorus)
You've given way to fantasy tonight
On some moonlit stage
You've found a way to say goodbye
to being underrated
'Cause you're the greatest
And when our lives are shaded
You'll always be the light

(Alt. Chorus)
You can make the moon gleam tonight
Waxing or waning
Fade away into the night
No day remaining
The warmth is fading
Tomorrow... same thing
You're gonna be the light
Dean Kotaska
https://www.taxi.com/jdkotaska
https://soundcloud.com/dean-kotaska
TAXI member since April 30, 2019.

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funsongs
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Re: Need thoughts/suggestions on new lyrics

Post by funsongs » Tue Aug 20, 2019 5:19 pm

Promise of the Sun

Verse 1)
Like vines on trees, you keep on climbing (I swapped your Verse 1 & 2; this struck me as a stronger opening, more interesting line. But changed it to make it personal, about 'you')
And down below, roots dig in soil
Day after day, your light is shining
Keeping us warm, yearning for more
As vitalizing streams are pleasing, yet blinding
(slight edit)

Chorus)
Give way to fantasy tonight on some moonlit stage
Find a way to say goodbye to being underrated (a bit confusing - what does this mean? try something else?)
'Cause you're the greatest, and when our lives are shaded
You're gonna be the light

Verse 2)
With my own eyes I see you risin' (the 'bring-it-home' verse...?)
Back on the wall, I see it all
Inch by inch, you're mesmerizin'
Some things don't change (from day-to-day)
So follow your dreams, And let's enlighten! (a little obscure - could be stronger?)

repeat Chorus
Now...

Bridge)
TBD... (come up with a contrast for your 'middle 8')

Alt. Chorus)
(FWIW: this one seems stronger, but more 'show me' than 'tell me' - use of imagery instead of a description)
You make the moon gleam tonight (deleted 'can' to make it a more positive statement)
Waxing or waning, it shies away into the night
Until the morning, be for me a blanket
When you rise...
You're gonna be the light
-----------------------
Does any of that help?
Want more? :? :P
Peter Rahill
website: www.peterrahill.com
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1
You Tube channel: Peter Rahill - funsongs
https://taxi.com/peterrahill
“The future aint what it use to be.” - Yogi Berra

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jdkotaska
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Re: Need thoughts/suggestions on new lyrics

Post by jdkotaska » Wed Aug 21, 2019 9:46 am

Thank you Peter!

This was exactly what I was hoping for, but much more than I expected. I am very pleased with what you came up with and I will incorporate most of the changes. Very helpful, thanks a million!
Dean Kotaska
https://www.taxi.com/jdkotaska
https://soundcloud.com/dean-kotaska
TAXI member since April 30, 2019.

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