Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Songwriting, songwriters, etc

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

Post Reply
RunarB
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2016 1:02 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by RunarB » Fri Mar 20, 2020 9:17 am

Just wrote this song and would appreciate feedback on the lyric.

Prechorus is just a short transition, and bridge is not included/not done yet.

Verse 1:
I don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) the people, where (are) the cars?
And I’m stuck here on my own
Wondering if anything
Will ever be the same again

Pre-chorus:
And the days drag on and on and

Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly

Verse 1:
It’s like the walls are caving in
It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone
Don’t know how long it will be
It’s like I’m living in a dream
I facetime you and kiss the screen

Pre-chorus:
While the night drags on and on and

Chorus:
I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid
Until things got back to normal
Oh how I long for the day
When I see you again
And life is back in colours
I wish that time would fly

User avatar
cosmicdolphin
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1622
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by cosmicdolphin » Fri Mar 20, 2020 5:40 pm

Bit negative / miserable / self indulgent. Sounds like an whinge from an older person.

Make it younger / a love story :-

Verse 1:
We don’t recognize this town
Empty streets, empty bars
Where (are) our people, where is our crowd ?
And we're together but alone
Wondering if anything
Could ever be the same again

Sorry that took me about 20 seconds but you get the idea ?

Mark

AlanHall
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:46 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Great Black Swamp, northwest Ohio
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by AlanHall » Fri Mar 20, 2020 7:05 pm

I got the sense that maybe it was two different songs. The first, a song about our current situation where everybody is away from everybody else. And the second, a love song.

I'd like the lyric to be one or the other, and bring out the intensity of whichever situation the writer picks.

User avatar
GBall
Getting Busy
Getting Busy
Posts: 71
Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:05 pm
Gender: Male
Location: DFW
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by GBall » Sat Mar 21, 2020 8:06 am

This part is my favorite:

It’s just me and my phone
And I’m no good at being alone

I think that deserves more exposure as the first line of a different song. .. the main hook and idea maybe?

RunarB
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2016 1:02 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by RunarB » Sun Mar 22, 2020 3:23 am

Thank you, guys. Much apperciated!

CanadianDave
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2020 2:37 pm
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by CanadianDave » Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:32 pm

I like it. The only suggestion I have would be to remove all the "ands" and "I's" and "It's like" ...redundant words that are not necessary and add no meaning or color to the song. Cheers.

Patrick
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 211
Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:40 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by Patrick » Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:56 am

RunarB,

Keep at it. i think there's a song in there somewhere. I'm just having a bit of trouble with the line...

"I wish that time would fly like it did
When I was a kid"

Time moved very slow for me when I was a young boy. It seems like my childhood lasted forever.

I get the imagery of emptiness, longing and how fast our lives can unfold. Your song is 'there'...just a bit of a stew that needs a new recipe in it's current form in my opinion.
Bad art can make you laugh
Good art can make you think
Great art can destroy you

- Me

(Did he just quote himself?? Yes! Yes I did!)

User avatar
CTWF
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 1341
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2018 11:02 am
Gender: Male
Location: Nowitzki's place of birth
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by CTWF » Tue Apr 07, 2020 12:31 pm

Patrick wrote:
Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:56 am
Time moved very slow for me when I was a young boy. It seems like my childhood lasted forever.
Good point. Same with most people I think. I remember once reading that, subjectively, the middle of your life is around age 18 :shock: because after that it flies by so fast. So far, I can only confirm this.

Tom
https://soundcloud.com/ctwf My sh1t is straight FIRE! d;-o

AlanHall
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:46 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Great Black Swamp, northwest Ohio
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by AlanHall » Wed Apr 08, 2020 11:05 am

CTWF wrote:
Tue Apr 07, 2020 12:31 pm
Patrick wrote:
Tue Apr 07, 2020 8:56 am
Time moved very slow for me when I was a young boy. It seems like my childhood lasted forever.
Good point. Same with most people I think. I remember once reading that, subjectively, the middle of your life is around age 18 :shock: because after that it flies by so fast. So far, I can only confirm this.

Tom
At this point in my life, I can look back 20 years as if it were only yesterday. When I was 18, not so much ;)

ripd60
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:03 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Could I get feedback on this lyric?

Post by ripd60 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:07 pm

Hey, some good things already mentioned here. I might add that the chorus doesn't seem to have much of a rhyming scheme or even near rhymes. But maybe that's just the country songwriter in me talking.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests