My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

Post Reply
cconfident
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:38 pm
Contact:

My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cconfident » Sun Apr 12, 2020 2:27 pm

Here's a little song I wrote, I like to sing it note for note, but I'm worried... it's too sappy... :) just kidding, just rhyming there... to an old tune... anyway... seriously, this is an original song that I wrote - before TAXI... and this is my first venture in this lyric Forum posting thing... hope it gets approved this time! :) Any feedback, constructive critique is most welcome... and if you think it is good, is it good enough to enter a songwriting competition? :) I've got a couple of other songs I might post, but seeing how this goes... thank you in advance. I've got music to it and everything... currently a down tempo ballad... I think it could work as a country song, or pop (like almost Stevie B)... if anyone has ideas on how to make it more contemporary, I'm all ears! thanks again! Clif (with one F)


One of these days

One of these days you’re going to find,
no one else can give you the peace of mind you long for.
One of these days you’re going to see,
the one you were looking for, for all this time was me.

PreChorus/Chorus:
Then I’ll be there, waiting for you-when you’re ready to believe.

One of these days, when love has come for me, one of these days you’ll see

v2
One of these nights — *on a night like this...
maybe you’ll reminisce- and you’ll begin to miss me.
One of these night, when you can’t sleep,
you’ll think about me and your heart will skip a beat.

Pre-chorus/Chorus
And then I’ll be there, waiting for you when you are ready to believe.
One of these days, you’ll see

v3
So until that day I’ll let you be
As much as I need you girl, or how much you need me…
you see, Love is something that anyone can feel
But, baby, commitment, oh… now that’s an act of will

PC
and so I’ll be there, waiting for you
till you are ready to believe
Chorus
one of these days - when love has come for me. One of this days, you’ll see

(musical solo to finish)
Last edited by cconfident on Fri May 01, 2020 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
AlanHall
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 394
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:46 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Great Black Swamp, northwest Ohio
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by AlanHall » Mon Apr 13, 2020 1:03 pm

I like the way you play with the expectation of the rhyme scheme, and some of your (slant? off?) rhymes sound good to me.

I like the rising feeling/climb of the pre-chorus "one of these days, one of these days you'll see_____" but for me there's no payoff. Write an actual chorus about what the object of the singer's desire will see when they see what you want them to see. (I must have had too much caffeine today, I'm hearing Robin Frederick's voice in my head as I type this!) As Robin would say, "show us a picture of what they see" so that the listener can bask in the glow of what you're sharing.

edit: and I definitely think of v3 as a bridge, perfect for the song. Just write a chorus :)

cconfident
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:38 pm
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cconfident » Thu Apr 30, 2020 10:45 pm

AlanHall wrote:
Mon Apr 13, 2020 1:03 pm
I like the way you play with the expectation of the rhyme scheme, and some of your (slant? off?) rhymes sound good to me.

I like the rising feeling/climb of the pre-chorus "one of these days, one of these days you'll see_____" but for me there's no payoff. Write an actual chorus about what the object of the singer's desire will see when they see what you want them to see. (I must have had too much caffeine today, I'm hearing Robin Frederick's voice in my head as I type this!) As Robin would say, "show us a picture of what they see" so that the listener can bask in the glow of what you're sharing.

edit: and I definitely think of v3 as a bridge, perfect for the song. Just write a chorus :)
Thanks Alan! I'll see what I can do! :)
(though I was thinking the payoff was that I'll be there waiting, loving, committed ... when you finally figure it out and realize I'm the one for you :P ... guess I can try for a new song with a better payoff... we'll see... one of these days... :) (you see what I did there?) )
Cheers,

Clifton

User avatar
cosmicdolphin
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 2201
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:46 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cosmicdolphin » Fri May 01, 2020 2:03 am

Hey Clif

I think it's pretty good although it would help to hear it in context with the music.

There's a bit of confusion in the story as to relationship status of these two characters. In V1 it seems like he's been longing for her since forever but then it V2 it makes it sound like she's his ex or something ?

I felt it might come across a little stalker-ish by the end although you could say that about some well known hits too.

What could you improve ? I agree with AlanHall there's a bit of a lack of imagery and the story doesn't seem to go anywhere, it's just a lament really. Maybe you could take us on a bit more of a journey.

Your title made me think of another song of the same name so I've pasted those lyrics below to compare the imagery ( this is a song from an indie artist ) . Whilst the sentiment is the opposite of your song , you can see how he paints more of a picture with the words.

V1.
Oh, love - One of these days
I'll shake you out of my head
Call out the engines and Stamp out the fires
Silence the voices and sing my desires
Oh, one of these days

V2.
Oh, love - One of these days
I will not answer your call
There'll be no rush at the sound of your name
You will go your way I'll do the same
Oh, one of these days

Chrs
Oh, one of these days
May-be I'll find a way to
Mend these broken
Pieces of what we've become
To write off the damages done
Stand with our eyes to the sun


Oh, love
One of these days
Maybe we'll pass on the street
I'll ask how you're doing and hope you're alright
Smile a farewell like the way old friends might
No thought for the demons that come in the night
Oh, one of these days
Oh, one of these days

cconfident
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:38 pm
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cconfident » Fri May 01, 2020 7:09 am

My apologies to Alan, CosmicDolphin and all... I just realized I left out part of verse 2!!! So, I’m glad it still made sense overall, but anyway... I updated the part with an “*”... which changes the rhythm and time perspective of the lyric... but thanks again for checking it out and the feedback! Cosmic... have we met? You actually spelled my name correctly- which is not common... and you didn’t sign your comment, so I don’t know your real name :) Anyway, I get really appreciate your comments, as well… And I will work on putting something up with a link where you can check out the song probably and one of us early forms... still trying to decide whether to make it country, pop, R&B-ish, or like just guitar bass and hand drum of sorts...

cconfident
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:38 pm
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cconfident » Fri May 01, 2020 2:11 pm

cosmicdolphin wrote:
Fri May 01, 2020 2:03 am
Hey Clif

I think it's pretty good although it would help to hear it in context with the music.

There's a bit of confusion in the story as to relationship status of these two characters. In V1 it seems like he's been longing for her since forever but then it V2 it makes it sound like she's his ex or something ?

I felt it might come across a little stalker-ish by the end although you could say that about some well known hits too.

What could you improve ? I agree with AlanHall there's a bit of a lack of imagery and the story doesn't seem to go anywhere, it's just a lament really. Maybe you could take us on a bit more of a journey.

Your title made me think of another song of the same name so I've pasted those lyrics below to compare the imagery ( this is a song from an indie artist ) . Whilst the sentiment is the opposite of your song , you can see how he paints more of a picture with the words.

V1.
Oh, love - One of these days
I'll shake you out of my head
Call out the engines and Stamp out the fires
Silence the voices and sing my desires
Oh, one of these days

V2.
Oh, love - One of these days
I will not answer your call
There'll be no rush at the sound of your name
You will go your way I'll do the same
Oh, one of these days

Chrs
Oh, one of these days
May-be I'll find a way to
Mend these broken
Pieces of what we've become
To write off the damages done
Stand with our eyes to the sun


Oh, love
One of these days
Maybe we'll pass on the street
I'll ask how you're doing and hope you're alright
Smile a farewell like the way old friends might
No thought for the demons that come in the night
Oh, one of these days
Oh, one of these days
@AlanHall and @cosmicdolphin
HERE'S ONE OF THE EARLY VERSIONS - with the hihats... I made a "simpler" version with little to no HiHats, but it's really boring... waiting to see if y'all think it is a song I should pursue and finish - before spending more hours in the production aspect :)
Let me know!!! Thanks! :)

https://soundcloud.com/clifton-confiden ... DQc9F2whPu

or

<iframe width="100%" height="300" scrolling="no" frameborder="no" allow="autoplay" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=ht ... frame><div style="font-size: 10px; color: #cccccc;line-break: anywhere;word-break: normal;overflow: hidden;white-space: nowrap;text-overflow: ellipsis; font-family: Interstate,Lucida Grande,Lucida Sans Unicode,Lucida Sans,Garuda,Verdana,Tahoma,sans-serif;font-weight: 100;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/clifton-confident" title="Clifton Confident" target="_blank" style="color: #cccccc; text-decoration: none;">Clifton Confident</a> · <a href="https://soundcloud.com/clifton-confiden ... DQc9F2whPu" title="One Of These Days -{Ozone 110bpm}" target="_blank" style="color: #cccccc; text-decoration: none;">One Of These Days -{Ozone 110bpm}</a></div>

User avatar
AlanHall
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 394
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:46 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Great Black Swamp, northwest Ohio
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by AlanHall » Sat May 02, 2020 6:54 pm

I listened to the first link you provided, and now I'm more confused than ever :? :?

It seems to me, in the refrain line, that the singer is saying through their phrasing and melodic inclination
"One of these days, when love has come for me"
that on that day the singer will find love with someone besides the other person and
"one of these days you’ll see..."
starts to sound like 'whoops, you missed out' but I'm pretty sure that's not what you want.

I appreciate the subtlety of the song, I really do. But now I feel even more the need to be told (or be shown, ideally) what the song's really about. For a piece of music to evoke a wistful/sentimental longing, you don't need the words at all. The composition and the realization do that already. The lyric is almost redundant here (all that is a compliment, by the way). You've got the mood nailed.

Lane1777
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2012 9:50 am
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by Lane1777 » Wed Sep 09, 2020 10:35 am

Hi Clif, well I think its a song for sure, has a good cadence when I read it, could use a give or take in lyric
when you get music to it. To me thats just standard when you meter lyric to melody. if you want my thought on it...a simple melody, 4 or 5 chords and call it
country contemporary.. I don`t know to much I just bang the damn things out, and call them good....lol this is just my thoughts don`t take this as advise..
I`ll put something on so you can have a look. This to me, this is a great start. Lane

cconfident
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 2:38 pm
Contact:

Re: My first time exposing myself like this, but(t)... (hopeful for constructive feedback)

Post by cconfident » Wed Sep 16, 2020 12:31 pm

thanks for taking the time to check this out and for your comments. Here's a link to the song with music and vocals... if it makes a difference -- or you're just curious :)
https://soundcloud.com/clifton-confiden ... DQc9F2whPu

let me know what you think! By this time, it's kind of old... so production needs some updates to make it fresh - but perhaps song fits better in a different genre?

Thanks,
Clifton

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest