do you think i fixed it

[jerrybeirne]

I submitted this folk/acoustic song, got one forward, a couple of returns, and both returns didn't like a certain chord that I had in the chorus. Screener 443 had some great feedback and I went to the spot and replaced the chord.

The screener said "Jerry, this chorus is stunning. Great job with the creative progression!" and also "I would check some of these chordal decisions (:57, 1:45?) Diminished? Regardless, a little dissonant for this ...." I totally agree with him/her and I put in a Bmi instead, seems better to me, but I also sorta liked the old chord, so what do I know

https://www.taxi.com/my/artist/songs/M7 ... ic-version#

Hopefully that link works, it was a little flaky for me. Thanks, and again the times were :57 and 1:45. I didn't change the vocals, just the guitar.

Jerry

[jerrybeirne]

Sorry, link not working.

https://www.taxi.com/members/O8Ee21nVR_ ... c-version-

Thanks for trying, it was really flaky yesterday. Is this any better?

[boinkeee2000]

beautiful song!, i didnt hear a diminished on :57, on the G/D - Bm7 - F/C - E7 prog, did you remove it? would love to hear the orig to compare

[jerrybeirne]

beautiful song!, i didnt hear a diminished on :57, on the G/D - Bm7 - F/C - E7 prog, did you remove it? would love to hear the orig to compare

Thank you! Original is still out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx4KujZ ... G8WaKupyPY

I don't think it's a diminished chord. It's still in the intro but in the chorus it's sorta double-time. If you take an open C chord and slide it up to the 10th fret, then come down in half steps with that shape, you get these chords. Granted the second chord is like an F# but it still has that open G in it, something like a F#7b9, certainly dissonant. I thought it was cool but I understand it's not for everyone.

The song was inspired by my daughter's college application essay where she wrote about a ribbon she tied around her ankle when she was 9, and she talked about all that it has been through, as she still wears it, and what would that little girl think of the young lady that she is grown up to be. I surprised her and wrote the song for her. Hired a session singer for vox.

What do you think of the change, do you think it accomplishes what Taxi requested? They said "Cool song, but I think some alternate decisions in the guitar accompaniment would make this one a better fit for a forward in the future."

thanks!
Jerry

[BrentWhiten]

Love the song!
Great Job!

[jerrybeirne]

Love the song!
Great Job!

Thank you Brent!

[boinkeee2000]

beautiful song!, i didnt hear a diminished on :57, on the G/D - Bm7 - F/C - E7 prog, did you remove it? would love to hear the orig to compare

Thank you! Original is still out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx4KujZ ... G8WaKupyPY

I don't think it's a diminished chord. It's still in the intro but in the chorus it's sorta double-time. If you take an open C chord and slide it up to the 10th fret, then come down in half steps with that shape, you get these chords. Granted the second chord is like an F# but it still has that open G in it, something like a F#7b9, certainly dissonant. I thought it was cool but I understand it's not for everyone.

The song was inspired by my daughter's college application essay where she wrote about a ribbon she tied around her ankle when she was 9, and she talked about all that it has been through, as she still wears it, and what would that little girl think of the young lady that she is grown up to be. I surprised her and wrote the song for her. Hired a session singer for vox.

What do you think of the change, do you think it accomplishes what Taxi requested? They said "Cool song, but I think some alternate decisions in the guitar accompaniment would make this one a better fit for a forward in the future."

thanks!
Jerry

ok i listened to the yt ver and see why it worked on the intro and not on the chorus. it was solo vocals on the intro and the lead melody was going down chromatically so there was no dissonance. the chorus had a different melody and a harmony part (main culprit) that lands on a C against the F# (tritone or b5), personally i like those types of tension dissonance since it was released on the next chord anyway, but i get where it would be a deterrent to a scene or montage which the screener would be congnizant of when reviewing. imo the Bm works but loses the chromatic flow and would prefer a D7/F# so you keep the same root pattern going down and nails the C on the vox harmony

[jerrybeirne]

Wow you have an amazing ear! I let the singer come up with the harmonies, and she also has a bit of a jazz background, so I think you, she and I are on board with the C in there, but I removed it and I think it's better.

https://www.taxi.com/members/O8Ee21nVR_ ... c-version-

That harmony was pretty quiet too, I had a hard time isolating what it was. But I went back into reaper and killed that section, putting back the chromaticism. I try to not let theory drive me when writing a song as I'd rather let my ear tell me what to do. Does it sound now like what you suggested? Thanks again.

[boinkeee2000]

Well, artistically i still like the original although your revision sounds cleaner, but not as clean or "vanilla" as a Bm or D7/F#....then again only the screener can determine if your changes are worthy or not thus any advise from peers is mere speculation so take it with a grain of salt. FWIW a library would be more lenient per these subjective matters especially if you already have an established relationship

[jerrybeirne]

Well, artistically i still like the original although your revision sounds cleaner, but not as clean or "vanilla" as a Bm or D7/F#....then again only the screener can determine if your changes are worthy or not thus any advise from peers is mere speculation so take it with a grain of salt. FWIW a library would be more lenient per these subjective matters especially if you already have an established relationship

I'm right on board with you, I prefer the original version, but I get that a screener doesn't want the music to be too distracting. I don't write songs with Taxi in mind, rather I write them and then look for requests that might fit one of my songs. I'm sure lots of people are like that. But if making this little change in my song makes it more palatable here, then I appreciate the screener's critique.

Thanks again for your time and thoughts! This didn't do as well as my others songs commercially, so I may replace the audio in that version too.

Jerry