Prayer By a Candle's Light--Christmas Song

[supdog]

Hello Folks! I wrote this several years ago and it has kind of sat around. I recorded it, but don't know how to put a CD into mp3 format in order to put on the web. Is it possible to do that?Anyway this is a story about a little girl who lost her day around the same time Christ was born. Let me know what you think. I think the lyrics would be best suited for country.Prayer by a Candle’s LightCopyright 2001Lyrics: Shawn TubbsMusic: Paul MacoskoVerse 1In an unknown town South of Bethlehem, a child cries in the night.Her tears of pain bring forth a prayer, like the fire from her candle’s light.And she cries aloud for God to take away the pain.And she weeps aloud, that she just can’t bear another day.And it’s this prayer she’s prayed for seven years to the dayOn this day her daddy passed away.Verse 2In a small town known as Bethlehem, a mother cries in the night.Her tears of pain turned into joy, as the darkness turned into light.And she cries aloud the joys of God’s saving grace.And she thanks her Lord for this miracle that’s taken place.And as she wipes away the tears from her baby’s faceThe angels gather ‘round to pray, the Savior’s born.ChorusThe Savior’s born, the Savior’s born, the Savior’s born, the Savior’s born.Verse 3In an unknown town South of Bethlehem, an angel flies through the night.He carries the prayer of a little girl-- from that child by the candle’s light.And he returns to her with a promise of God’s saving grace.And he comforts her as he wipes the tears from her face.He says rejoice my child, for it’s by your faith that you’ve been savedAnd your daddy you will see someday, for the Savior’s born.ChorusThe Savior’s born, the Savior’s born, the Savior’s born, the Savior’s born.Verse 4In a small town known as Bethlehem, a baby cries in the night. Emmanuel, Jesus Christ the King, is born by the North Star’s Light.And a little girl’s prayer, was answered by God’s saving grace.And as her candle burns, the Lord heals away her pain. And an Eternal light, was lit inside her heart that dayFor on that day her daddy passed away, the Savior’s born.

[rivercitymusic]

Reads like you have a good one going.Everyone can use poetic freedom and rhyme or not their prose. But in a song i think you gotta bring them back around to something that rhymes in the end.I'm an old fart so don't take me too seriously. I'm too old to change my views it seems.lolI think in the first verse you need to get something else slipped in to rhyme with "pain".It's just there standing by it's self. It runs aa b cc d.Now the way it's sung may let it work out great but still it just seems to stand there alone, lost without a melody or a voice to direct me along.Second verse you didn't do that till the end of the verse, you kept it flowing with a rhyming end on each line till next to the last. it was an aa bbb c.Now you gotta remember i'm old, been stuck in the past for years so i'm not very much of a sounding board but to me if it rhymed consistantly it would read better.There seems to be a lot of And she, And, Aloud bein used. Your lyrics are good enough that i believe you can take out some of the repetition and thesarus up a bit and replace them.Remember, another members statements should be taken as statements not criticism. We're not good enough to be allowed to criticise anyone, not even ourselves.Good song so far "Sup"

[rivercitymusic]

What did you record it on or with? That program should have a link or a drop window that gives you the choice to "save as" any format you need.

[supdog]

Hey, thanks for your response!Yes, I agree (and have already thought about )there are areas where I can replace the words of "she", etc. Good idea!!The part where the word pain "sets alone", you were right in that the way I pronounce it when singing it ryhmes with day. It works out pretty good and I think it works. I appreciate your imput, if anything else strikes you please let me know!So I can take the recording from a CD, download it into my hardrive and save it as an MP3? Then I can upload to the internet? It's that easy? I will try it later. Thanks again!!

[hummingbird]

hey, how ya doing? looking at this lyric, and considering the country market, I think it needs some revision. It's okay to say that people are in pain, but I think we also have to give them a setting. The context that you have is that this is set in the time of Jesus' birth, but I would suggest setting it in the now - this would make it, IMHO, more marketable. In addition, I find you are often using the same words or phrases through the lyric. The chorus is 'the saviour is born' but that doesn't really, resolve the problem of the pain of missing someone who is gone. What it does do, is give you (I think) an understanding of the fragility of life and faith in the deeper consciousness that connects us all. So I'm wondering if you can reframe this lyric so it's set in the modern day, and have the characters, missing someone, and seeking the comfort that comes from remembering the Christmas story & its message of hope. Maybe the mom & daughter come together at the end & rediscover their love for each other, and resolve to support each other more. Note - if your title is "prayer by a candle's light" - then that needs to be your hook. Your chorus is 'the Saviour's born', which is fine, but isn't very unique.Verse 1In an unknown town South of Bethlehem, a child cries in the night. (in country, details are everything. why not have her be in Bethlehem, or Philly, or Simi Valley)Her tears of pain bring forth a prayer, like the fire from her candle’s light. (the line before says she is crying - now we need to know why; how is the flame of a candle like a prayer?)And she cries aloud for God to take away the pain. (the pain of?)And she weeps aloud, that she just can’t bear another day. (why not?)And it’s this prayer she’s prayed for seven years to the day (what day?)On this day her daddy passed away. (this info comes too late, IMO)The phrasing and the stories here remind me very much of "In the Ghetto"... I'd look at the lyrics for that song and see how the story is told, how each line is worded to give us a visual image of the characters and how they are feeling, and how the story progresses as we move through the song.In addition, I know it's cliche, but it is said in writing that we should "show" and not "tell". This means, rather than saying she's crying, praying, in pain... that we show this through the use of imagery...HTH Hummingbird

[jamesm]

Just for another two cents... There is some inconsistency with whether this is happening in the present or the past. Personally, I like this particular story in the present, taking us back there to that point in time, but look at Verse 4, for example:In a small town known as Bethlehem, a baby cries in the night. (Present)Emmanuel, Jesus Christ the King, is born by the North Star’s Light. (Present)And a little girl’s prayer, was answered by God’s saving grace. (Past)And as her candle burns, the Lord heals away her pain. (Present)And an Eternal light, was lit inside her heart that day (Past)For on that day her daddy passed away, the Savior’s born (Present)You have "that day" meaning "Christmas day (the Nativity)" in the next-to-last line, and "that day" meaning "the same day (of the year) as her daddy's death" in the last line. I think there's some potential confusion there.In this section:He says rejoice my child, for it’s by your faith that you’ve been savedAnd your daddy you will see someday, for the Savior’s born.I have a couple of problems with the logic. She has faith in what? That God will take away the pain? That makes sense, but the next line seems to imply that the birth of the Savior is the answer to her prayers about her father. I can see that she might be very happy about the birth of the Messiah, but it doesn't quite connect for me with healing the pain of losing her father. How is it that she will see her daddy some day because the Savior is born? This is raising some tricky questions, I think. I know it's a bit dangerous to talk about religion and I mean no disrespect here. I'm merely speaking about the way the lines don't seem to hang together at this point in the lyric. I hope I am not offending, and I hope it's taken in the spirit intended. I know some people are reluctant to even give feedback on religous lyrics and I've seen why many times. All I am saying is that these are key lines since they are the turning point of the story. As such they need to be very clear, in my opinion. I don't think they are yet. They don't really make sense to me even from my perspective as a Christian, as far as I can see. I might be missing something.This is all just intended as well-meaning feedback. If you find it upsetting, please feel free to ignore me. I may be expressing things clumsily, but I do mean to help.There is a sweet story to be told here. I think with some honing of the lyric it could be more transparent and, as a result, more touching.James

[supdog]

Hey Jamesm, Thanks for your response! And no, I am not offended by any means, I appreciate your thoughts and how to better the song. I have recorded this one and I hope to get it online. I think that hearing the song makes it make more sense, but with your critique I definitely see some areas where I can make it more clear. The past /present clarification is a must, and I never paid much attetnion to it. My wife is a big gramatically correct girl--unlike me who has grammar difficulties in most everything I write. But for I agree that it should be in the present, and the words should define that better. The "that day" thing has always got my goat a bit. I have never figured out how to clarify that without throwing off the timing of the lyric. I do think that if the song is heard in its entirety it is easy to grasp, but I wish I could make it more clear and will work on that. I guess the part about the pain being healed is that "knowing" that someday she will be with her father, in collaboration with the prayer for "God to take away the pain" is what heals her. I think that for many, the thought of "making it to Heaven" and "who will be there waiting for us" is one reason why missing a person who has passed makes us sad. The angel coming to the girl and telling her about the Messiah and "that she will see her daddy someday (again)" brings joy and peace to her heart. It isn't only that the Messiah is born, but also that because of the Messiah's birth she and her father will be reunited in Heaven. As I mentioned, I think the song with music behind it makes the jist of the lyrics more tangible, etc. I really appreciate the input from everyone so far and if you have any more thoughts, please do share them!Thanks again.