"Refuse the Sun" seeking feedback..

[sofunky2]

Hey everybody…I'm new to peer to peer, thought I'd give it a try.

Here's a new song I'm needing feedback on…wondering if lyrics are cohesive, vocals okay or not, mix, etc..whatever strikes you on first listen, honestly.
This is not final by any means, so any feedback appreciated!

https://soundcloud.com/sofunky2/refuse-the-sun

You could have a yacht
Silk tie and a top hat be the top cat
Wouldn't it be grand?

But if you turn away
don't have the time of day to repay what you've been given
How will you understand?

Love is a power that can't be bought
Even for mountains of gold
How can you judge where another's been
If you don't really know

I never saw a tree that refused the sun
Even under blankets of snow
I never met a man that I thought was beyond hope

Maybe it was late maybe I was tired
Maybe I forgot how to be a friend
In the rush to be cool
But you show me the way forgive me every day
forgive the things I say
When I act the fool

[burpo]

Very cool.

Reminds me of Bill Withers.

I'd concentrate on the songwriting and not worry about the style, etc... for now.

Listings pop up all the time for which this song might just be a few tweaks away from on-target.
So, when one does, you can then put together a version with that listing in mind.

I think the meter and images could be tighter and it's hard to follow without the lyric sheet.
You don't want that in any song, whether it's for radio or TV/features.

That's just me. Let's see what others think.


Good job, so far!

-b

[sofunky2]

Thanks Burpo…for the Bill Withers compliment especially!

Yeah making the lyrics immediately understandable is something I always have to work on. Pretty basic, I know…appreciate the encouragement and thoughts to just slightly tweak to be on target.

[bobporri]

Really cool Donald. Liked it a lot! Suggestions...drums seemed very distant and all on the left side so I thought those could be spread out and somewhat more beefy. I really liked the organ, maybe a tad too loud though? Ending was sort of sudden. Those things are just observations of which the main one is you have a cool song here, great playing and vocals. You on everything??.

Bob P.

[songmaster]

Hi Donald, I agree with Bob that " you have a cool song here ". I guess my only comment would be on the lyrics. They seem to fit the melody very well, but having a close look at them, I find it hard to understand what the song is about. I like the title " Refuse the Sun ". I would work around the title. There is a saying in country music. To make a song interesting " put a girl in it ".

With a title like "Refuse the Sun " that opens it up to some aspect of heart break that could really work with your melody. Here is my little example.

The morning tries to break through my window
I wish the day was already done
When you left me, you left me no choice
But to refuse the sun.

I know this doesn't fit your rhyme scheme. It's more about building a solid story that concentrates on one emotion.

Anyway, I really like the mood and production of your song. Just my 2 cents.

Tom

[feaker66]

Hi nice to meet you. You have a very smooth voice. I was sold instantly. Very cool vibe as well. Couldn't hear the words in many places. Nice

sincerely

Paul

[SteveC]

Hi D Funk,

Dug the vibe you were going for, old school R&B is always sweet to hear.

my 2 cents, I think you have a great framework from where to start tweaking... tighten up the lyrics, dig the title...not sure I follow the words.. On these boards, people DO listen to the lyrics.

If you were going for "stripped down" accompaniment, you succeeded. R&B though, you want to feel that bass, and in this tune, you can almost hear a stand up bass..... you want to hear the drums a bit as well.... There's plenty of space to add some layers and textures.....You have a wonderful piece on the canvas. Finish it. Ok, that may be more like 3 cents worth. Enjoyed it, hope you'll share the final version.

best

st