Return for Folk inspired song any suggestions?

[CJW]

Hi esteemed colleagues!

I had this one returned mostly for lyrical content. The reviewer had these (very nice) comments:

This song has an interesting theme. The idea of being street smart vs book smart is argued a lot in the arts. There are some metaphors that seem unrelated to the rest of the song like "I know my drummer plays differently" which could be linked to the rest of the lyrics more directly to tie the song together thematically and defined the message that you are trying to get across.

Thank you for submitting this song for this listing. The lyrics are reflective and show your grasp of ideas beyond the status quo. The premise is set up well in your lyrics, personifying Time as something that might see through a persons' shortcuts, or misunderstand their path, which makes it like Karma or Judgement. You fall short of driving that point home however, when you say things like every color knows how to bleed, I want to know more about that! or these people that are pushed to extremes, what extremes are being pushed and who are the people you are referencing in these lines? Remember the listener doesn't know the back-story that you know, so keep this in mind when you are thinking of metaphors and examples. Overall you have some good elements in here, nice work.

The reviewer saw this a song of street smart vs book smart, so I think the concern about the third verse makes sense - However, my idea with this song was more about doing what is expected of you versus finding your own path. My question to anyone is does the lyrics still hold together under my own interpretation of my lyrics - or are there ways to improve it? Thanks for your time!

Chris

Here is the song and lyric:

https://soundcloud.com/chrisjwalter/don ... ing-for-me

Don't Go Looking for Me

Time, don’t go looking for me
I’m just moving on at my own speed
I know my drummer plays differently
So Time, don’t go looking for me

Well I guess I never grew up
Never owned up to my responsibility
I never learned much in school
I never got that degree
Instead I learned to be free

Chorus

I never learned about the way things are
I never learned the games I should play
Never figured out how to act
Or say the things I’m supposed to say
Instead I learned to say what I mean

Chorus

Bridge Am G C Am G Em A

Chorus

I never learned to see black and white
Cause every color knows how to bleed
Never learned to tell left from right
Cause everybody’s pushed to extremes
Instead I learned to be me

Chorus

[Piewackit1]

I'm not sure what to say to you about the lyrics. I think they are pretty good. My issue comes with the timing of the song. The vocals seem awkward in places and the song seems to get faster as it moves along. Maybe I'm wrong but that is what it sounds like to me. Is that by design?

[CJW]

Pie, thanks for listening. Yes the tempo does pick up over the course of the song. There are two tempo changes one after the first verse and after the bridge with the modulation.

[funsongs]

Hey, Chris -

fwiw:
What I'm hearing in the timing, is the phrasing of your words...not quite in-sync with the music.
example:
2nd line of this (the Chorus, I presume)...

"Time, don’t go looking for me
I’m just moving on at my own speed
I know my drummer plays differently (what if this line were less personal: "Like a drummer keeping a different beat" ?)
So Time, don’t go looking for me"

as well as:
2nd line of this (Verse 1?)...
"Never owned up to my responsibility" sounds like you're sort of stumbling with a tongue-twister, instead of letting it flow in time with the music (but, maybe that's intentional, given the premise of the song?).

You can probably make subtle changes, like the review comments, and more clearly make your story about
"keeping your own pace"...and that's very a universal-type sentiment that could work really well....imho.

Hope that helps; good luck with this one.
Cheers,
Peter R.
http://www.soundcloud.com/funsongs-1

[CJW]

Peter, thanks for listening. That first verse was giving me some trouble and I had to go with what I had to make the submission deadline. I'll work on smoothing out the timing over all.

[LamarPecorino]

Thanks for sharing the song. Great concept. I am sure that you will find a way around the difficult phrases.

[LittleRedChurch]

Pie might have something there. I like it though!

G

[CJW]

I was just listening to it in the car this morning - I think I'll try re-recording it at one tempo - Using the faster tempo. Thanks to everyone who had a listen.

[Kolstad]

I think you should stick to your idea "my idea with this song was more about doing what is expected of you versus finding your own path", and work on it untill that comes across for others. A father doesn't leave the upbringing of a child to someone else, that easily.

The comments from the screener displays that you are not understood in a way that corresponds to your idea, so the issue you need to solve is exactly what the screener writes, how to drive home your pointe.

I think your strongest section is the chorus:

Time, don’t go looking for me
I’m just moving on at my own speed
I know my drummer plays differently
So Time, don’t go looking for me

In the other sections you write about what you didn't learn, which makes it pretty hard to support your original idea, so I'd suggest working on those sections first, maybe rewrite the lines with what you did learn (the positives)?

Like this:

Well I guess I never grew up
Well, I guess I chose to stay young

Never owned up to my responsibility
I wanted to go my own way

I never learned much in school
I was more a man of the hand

I never got that degree
I took a street degree

Instead I learned to be free
Where I learned to be free

I'm sure you can come up with better lines, so its just to show instead of tell..

[CJW]

Excellent ideas! Thanks!