Rock Staff Writer -- Take Two

[aubreyz]

I didn't mean to jump in the other thread and side track it. I think it will be less confusing to only be critiquing one song or artist per thread. Especially since this may go on for a few weeks Here's the original question and lyrics:Quote:Quote:Remember, this is for a staff writer deal for rock. Most rock bands write their own songs, so the only way this "mogul" is gonna get songs cut is if his writers have stuff that's clearly better than what todays hottest rock acts write.So what you need here are "event" songs. "Signature" songs. UNDENIABLE HITS.I think the main "problem" with your songs vis-a-vis a listing like this is that conceptually they are not unique enough. Lyrically, they don't have unique hook. Matt,Thanks again for the wisdom you so often share. I hardly ever post lyrics without music, but this is such a high bar listing that I think the lyrics will have to stand on their own too. I'm happy with the music and arrangement for song#1 for this listing, but nothing really to post/hear yet. Lyrically, this is concept #4 for song #1-- I'm posting it to see how strong the concept/hooks/ideas are. At this point, I haven't really "word for word" dissected this technically. It's idea and word choice for now. The phrasing may seem odd without the flow of the music, and there are some meter issues as well that need fixing. Goals- memorable, somewhat shocking first line -- repetitive but interesting chorus (simple phrase with unique meaning), overall - unique simplicity. btw-- edited this post to make clear I'm not looking for feedback JUST from Matto Save MeVs1If I were JesusIt wouldn't be enoughYou'd crucify meAgain and again for funAll I get is emptyTrying to fill you upDon't want to be SocratesYou're hemlock in my cupPrechorusYou only said that you said itTo see if I would say what you needed to feed your diseaseYou only want me to want youSo I can be a puppet on the whim of your heart string teaseChorus1Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescue2nd verseIf I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minuteHate what I've becomeprechorusI never meant not to mean itWish you never heard my trio of words too often saidYou know it hurts me to hurt youBut now I have to show my love by never ever loving you again Chorus 2Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but that's the only way I know to(bridge)Save me - from youSave me - from yousoloChorus 3Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but this time I'm not gonnaSave you There were other helpful responses as well, but this is my reply to Matto:Quote: I think you've got the makings of an excellent lyric here. I like the concept, I think it's strong, provocative, original. This forum is priceless. It's like having a room full of collaborators. Even with a co-writer, it's hard to be completely objective. I'm not going to read more into what you and others have said, but it helps confirm that at least we're on the right track to hit the target. However, I think it would be good to note that the most valuable info that I've received over the past year and a half with Taxi and this forum has been in the "this is not on target" category.A couple of years ago, I would have taken the first concept and run with it. I would have settled for the first opening line I came up with. Thanks for helping me learn not to settle...Quote:This is just after a quick read, I'll have to look at it again later, but for now the verses strike me as strongest. So much so that I was wishing the second verse could be the same length as the first.Interesting. We've gone back and forth on that. I actually cut it based on so many comments at the Rally about shorter 2nd verses getting back to the chorus faster. Musically the longer 2nd verse provides some contrast--- we'll probably track it both ways, so I'm going to work on more lyrics just in case...Quote:I'm wondering whether the chorus "save me from saving you from yourself" is a bit too "clever"...it just seems a little forced, like you're trying too hard to say something profound.I appreciate what you're trying to do but maybe this could be tweaked.Here's the top other 3 from the cutting room floor...Save me, from saving you againSave me, from saving you all the timeSave me, from being your saviorI'm still leaning... from saving you from yourself. I get what you are saying though. The others don't define the co-dependency thing as well, but maybe there's a better hook that might seem less forced.Quote:I'm not in love with the first pre, I think it could be better. Not sure why exactly it's not working for me...The second pre is better, although the "trio" line is again a bit overly clever perhaps. The last two lines rock however. Those to me strike the perfect balance, they sound fresh but yet completely natural.I like the concept of the first pre, but I think the puppet thing might be a little trite and overused --- at the least the word flow needs to be cleaned up. Musically the first line is kind of "sing song", and the longer line more intense-- almost like a question/answer.Definitely some work to do here. Thanks.Quote:Lastly I wonder if you could clarify the relationship between the two people a bit. Somehow it's still a little hazy to me. But that could just be me, hopefull others can chime in.The ambiguity was intentional on two fronts. I wanted to hint at a co-dependent love relationship coming to an end. That's the wrapper that a listener would pick up on. However, for me -- this song is about me -- (they all are in one way or another I'm my favorite subject...lol ) So imagine someone talking to them self -- and welcome to my world Also, there are several ambiguous me/you songs among the ala's -- as well as clearly defined relationships.Quote:Great start on this Aub, I think this can be a winner...excited to hear the music for this.Thanks man. I believe we are up to this challenge and everyone's insight will be very helpful. This target is definitely the bar beyond the forward.