Runaway Train

[gfd353]

I'm new to all this and i don't believe its the best that i've ever written but its one of my favorites and if i can just get some opinions good or bad that would be great. I've never really let anyone read anything i've ever written so this is definately a first for me!LOLVerse 1:I was sittin on the courthouse stepsAs I looked my girl in the eyeI haven't seen her in a fewIts hard to see her cryI haven't been a dad to herIts tough for me to sayI lost what matters mostHow could i get this wayChorus:Lord, Im like a runaway trainI'm on track goin the wrong wayI'm asking for helpI know what steps to takeA runaway train Help me pull the brakeVerse 2:As i sat and looked outThought about all i've lostUntil now nothing matteredI didn't care about the costI've lived for myselfMy ways has taken their tollI've traded my lifes years All that remains is my soulChorusVerse3:Now I stand before himFirst time I have no voiceTo be held accountableWhat happens is his choiceNo matter the decisionIts the price i'll have to payIf given the chance to changeI'm ready to change todayChorus

[marvin]

GFD, overall I liked your lyric. It was structured well and had all the elements a lyric is supposed to have. The chorus is functional but could be a little stronger to make it more memorable. I really don't have any idea how you could improve it. Good lyric as I said. Keep writting. Marvin.

[momof4]

okay, it takes guts to submit something, so kudos to you for doing it. now, here are my thoughts:1) why are you sitting on the courthouse steps? if you're on trial, what for? 2) by referring to "my girl", it sounds like she's a lover, not your daughter...can you change that? and by saying "haven't seen her in a few"...to me, it kind of leaves you hanging3) ending the chorus with "help me pull the brake" weakens it, IMO. what about just flipping those two lines and saying "help me pull the brake, Lord, on this runaway train"4) verse 2: HOW have you lived for yourself? HOW have you lost everything important to you? if you can be more specific here, i think it would resonate more with the listener and make them connect more to the song5) in the last verse, are you standing before God? if so, it's not really clear...especially when you started out on the courthouse steps. 6) you introduce your daughter in the first verse, but then never mention her again. i think this song could be stronger if you'd keep her throughout the verses, maybe saying how she's been affected by your selfishness, her reaction to it, how it's hurt your relationship. more specifics, in other words. also, if your hook is "runaway train", then i would stick more train references in there...build more powerfully on that methaphor of a train racing out of control and examples of how you resemble it.hope this helps!erin

[momof4]

first of all, it takes guts to post your stuff on here, so kudos to you for doing that. now, here are my thoughts:1) who is "my girl"? later, you infer "daughter", but it really just sounds like a lover2) why are you on the courthouse steps? are you on trial? if so, we don't know it3) instead of ending your chorus with "help me pull the brake", i'd flip flop those last 2 lines and say "Lord, help me pull the brake, on this runaway train"...that way, the strength of your hook stays there in the last line of your chorus, which is a "power position"4) verse 2 would be better if you'd list specific examples of what you've lost and why5) you mentioned your daughter in the first verse, but then she disappears. i think if you had her in all the verses, maybe showing how your selfishness has hurt her, or changed her, or whatever, it might help people connect more to the song6) in the last verse, are you standing before God? if so, it's hard to tell, especially since you start the song on the courthouse stepshope this helps! erin erin