"So Cool" Song advice?

[partyofone]

OK, so I'm going to take some time off from "No One" and go in a different direction. Another rough recording. I'd appreciate any feedback on lyrics, melody, structure. This is a quirkier song. The weakest part for me is the bridge and my favorite part is the last chorus. The context of usage is possibly for my own CD and possibly film/t.v. pitches.http://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_ ... eam=trueSo Coolverse/You seem like you careThat I'm notSo coolSo what?I'm not a foolI knowHow the game is playedAnd did you knowThat I'm soFed upWith show And telloh well I guess it's what sellsBut with me who you see, you get and...chorus/Whoever you dream ofI'll never be, loveYou just get me or you don'tAnd say what you wantBut I do the best I canJust give me a chance, loveI'll show you what I'm made ofMaybe bend a few rulesTake a chance on a guyWho's not so coolverse/You talk like you knowWhat's upSo I'llShut upCause you heard it beforeThe linesThat read like jokes from a candy wrapperAnd you probably don't goWithoutMakeupMade upBut I bet when you wake upYou look so fine Wearing nothing but the sun in your hairbridge/I'm sure you think I'm such a nice guyAnd why you aren't attracted, it's so obvious whyI'm not enough like your typical jerk And we all want what we can't havechorus/And those guys that you dream ofThey got nothing to give, loveActing so nonchalantThey take what they wantBut I'll be better manAnd if it is me, loveThat you think you want more ofGo ahead break the rulesJump in the deep end of the pool with a guy Who's not so cool

[k o star]

hey Patrick... on the whole this is a really good song I feel... there are many parts that I like alot...however, parts that I feel didn't quite sit well with the song are... the vocals on the first two lines of the Chorus... especially the singing of 2 words... I can really hear the straining of voice & it should really be fixed cos this is a really good track... the 2 parts are the words:dream (of)... and the word (love)... these two in brackets... U might wanna try ta continue with falsetto voice on these words, that might smoothen it out...Another part I didn't really feel right for the track is the middle 8/bridge part... can't quite put my finger on what it is but I think it's the melody... hmmm... maybe, if the bridge was sung in a whispery manner just for contrast... it might work... Just a suggestion & MHO... I don't know I could be wrong, just what I felt... Felt the track, & it's good...-K

[k o star]

Oh... and I only just read what U wrote after I heard the track & commented so, probably caught the bridge part that U were already aware of... and of course, this being a rough recording... vocal parts may not be as important for now I'm guessing...Anyways hoped my feedback helped...

[partyofone]

hey kostar thanks for taking the time man...yeah I agree the quality is a bit too strained on those.. I'll work on that for sure. and yeah the bridge bothers me too.. I got another idea for it so I'll try that one out and see if it feels right. thanks again!

[ciskokidd]

Hey Patrick,This is a really good song! I totally dig the melodies and rhythmic feel of the lines and the lyric is fantastic!The only thing I will mention is that this is way too slow. It needs to come up in tempo and it will really take off.I think you have a real winner with this one!Best,Cisko

[partyofone]

Ahh shucks thanks very much Cisko! That's very encouraging to hear! Your tempo suggestion makes perfect sense too so I'll experiment with that before I demo it.