So He Can Do That

[Lumley]

I like the imagery and the story. I really like the twist in the V3. I didn't see it coming. Great Job!

Here are my thoughts.

Cruisin' night. Checking out the cars
All those boys all those hours

These lines read ackwardly to me. One thing was that cars/hours and hours don't rhyme and my mind wanted them to.

Revs his engine at the traffic light
Light turns green he explodes into the night

The back to back lights stood out to me strongly. It may be fine with the way it's sung but you might want to consider changing it.

I like the Hook. It reminded me of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain.

Damp and cold but he don't need no heat - I LOVE this line!

Well crafted. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to hear it.

Disclaimer:
The preceding has been a test of the Amatuer Critique Broadcast System. This is only a test. In the event of a real emergency the preceding would be replaced with the comments of a professional who actually know's what they are talking about....in other words feel free to play a quick game of trash can basketball if you don't like what was said...it's your song

[mikeShort]

LOVE your disclaimer, Lee. And thanks for the kind words. This Taxi business can be pretty harsh for a newbie.

The rhyme of "cars" and "hours" is called a consonance rhyme, in that the consonants are still the same but the vowel sound changes (although it's related). It lends surprise and instability to the lyric, which is appropriate here, because I'm trying to undermine what the singer is saying. It's not something I do very often, but with a bit of a twang, I can get away with it here. When you hear it, it's not jarring, just surprising. (IMHO of course.)

I am having trouble with the traffic light couplet. If I leave light out, people will probably figure out that it's not the GTO driver that turns green, but that is the antecedent, so I'm stuck. "It" is implied, so doing that substitution doesn't help at all. I do need to spend more time on that line, and I'll see what I come up with.

Funny story about the twist. My singing partner in 2Late (yes, the same person who thinks there is a murder in Lyin' Eyes! Bit of a dark world view ... ) expecting the GTO guy to wrap his car around a tree ... so I think it's safe to say she didn't see it coming either.

ShouldB-
Thanks for the heads-up on "idiot." "Any fool" is much better.

[Casey H]

I like the Hook. It reminded me of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain.

Not an argument... My disclaimer is similar! If I was SO smart, I'd have a hit song by now!!

Just as a discussion point... The phrase "That don't impress me much" is much more like natural conversation & and a commonly said phrase than "So he can do that". The latter might sound great when sung with inflection, however-- hard to say just reading.

Very nice lyrics and I'm looking forward to hearing a demo!

Casey

[mikeShort]

I just listened to the demo I cut last week, and it may be a while!

[shoodBworkin]

I'd keep the bridge, it's good!

[Casey H]

Hi Mike
I really enjoyed the listen!

I have nothing to add without going beyond what my capabilities are. A lot of good stuff in this song! I'd suggest a Taxi custom critique to get a professional pair of ears on it. if you go that route, make sure you are clear on the genre and style, your goal for the song, and any specific questions.

Best of luck!
Casey

[mikeShort]

Thanks Casey and "shood".

I plan to get a custom critique. I've done them before and they are very useful, and much more thorough than the $5 kind (although those are usually okay). The "ears" can help point towards a genre. I'm thinking Country or Americana/Folk at this point.