Some songs from a newbie

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hekenu
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Some songs from a newbie

Post by hekenu » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:04 am

Hi everybody ^^ on GLP someone advised me this website.I'm from Italy...and in this period i started to write some songs (actually i have 6 songs)However let start with this one:She saw black monks in whiteAnd the octagon now is all enclosed by the darknessAmong bushes the red moon, all fearfulYeah, the red moon had a some kind of fearBut the brave angel without any fearSo much like a snake She saw them acting for the darknessAway from the bushes, now get on the streetsThere, t was a windy blowing day still never mindSometimes when you feel better, there is a kind of magicyeah, there is a kind of magic andNothings care you,There could be coldThere could be snowThere could be windBut when you feels better, specially with two roses all the change is good for nothingWait, that dayIt was a day before the birth when I saw my angel.With just a smile she fashion me feel better, this is magic oh yeah!There could be coldThere could be snowThere could be windBut when you feels better, specially with two roses all the change is good for nothingBack in the recent daysthe dare angel pointed me out the past in the future and the future in the past What was that?It was only a dreamFor three times, just a dream.....Cry on me this night for the last timeThe nightmare is coming to endListenThe dark is no more a troubleClose your eyesLook the lightTrust meThis time the right path is in front youCry on me this night for the last timeThe dark will vanish into the lightFollow me Give me your handWake up from this long dreamCry on me this night for the last timeThe nightmare is coming to endLook the light of the seventh heaven There the peace will be waiting for youJust, for youOnly for this time trust meGo in your heaven, the right place for youWhere everything is perfectCry on me this night for the last timeCry on meCry on meI ask some suggestions and also reviews thx

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by hummingbird » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:26 am

Hi - welcome aboard. Come stai? I have a couple of questions before I give any feedback... a) what genre of music are you aiming for, b) is there a legend or story or myth behind what you are writing about... if so, could you give some detailsciaoHummin'bird
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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by hekenu » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:40 am

Quote:Hi - welcome aboard. Come stai? I have a couple of questions before I give any feedback... a) what genre of music are you aiming for, b) is there a legend or story or myth behind what you are writing about... if so, could you give some detailsciaoHummin'birdHi to you!a)Well...the genre is surely rock or mybe also heavy metalb)The theme of the first song is much complicated than the 2ndPratically is divided in 3 events:1)A friend was talking about a ritual hold in Puglia, near the castle of Charl V. One time, she was there hided and she watched it 2)It was a day before christmas when casually i meet her3)I dreamed her three times, consecutively in three days I wrote the 2nd song today, when i learned from myself this lesson: if you want write songs, specially with a foreign language you have to imagine the events that you'll write.btw i'm ok!

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by hummingbird » Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:43 pm

Hi - well, that helps a lot cause I didn't understand that it was two different songs The first one definitely has a 'medieval' flavour, and a sense of brooding mystery, but two things are affecting my ability to really get into the text - one is, the mix of pronouns, and the other (I'm sorry to say) is a little problem with the English.I really like the imagery here...She saw black monks in whiteand the octagon now is all enclosed by the darknessAmong bushes and the red moon all fearful GLEAMINGand although I can so much appreciate the story you are trying to tell, the rest of the lyric doesn't quite get it across.Can I make a suggestion? How about writing this lyric in Italian first... and then working with someone to translate it effectively into English. I encourage you to think that way, because I really like your ideas, it's just the semantics that need some refining.On the the other hand, a cool idea like this set with good music but sung in Italian or Spanish could work really well in my opinion. This is just my opinion, feel free to use or reject any suggestion. Above all, never give up!Hummin'bird
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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by hekenu » Tue Feb 13, 2007 3:10 am

Quote:Hi - well, that helps a lot cause I didn't understand that it was two different songs The first one definitely has a 'medieval' flavour, and a sense of brooding mystery, but two things are affecting my ability to really get into the text - one is, the mix of pronouns, and the other (I'm sorry to say) is a little problem with the English.I really like the imagery here...She saw black monks in whiteand the octagon now is all enclosed by the darknessAmong bushes and the red moon all fearful GLEAMINGand although I can so much appreciate the story you are trying to tell, the rest of the lyric doesn't quite get it across.Can I make a suggestion? How about writing this lyric in Italian first... and then working with someone to translate it effectively into English. I encourage you to think that way, because I really like your ideas, it's just the semantics that need some refining.On the the other hand, a cool idea like this set with good music but sung in Italian or Spanish could work really well in my opinion. This is just my opinion, feel free to use or reject any suggestion. Above all, never give up!Hummin'bird In italian until now, i wrote only one song. By the way for the first part thx for the changements and for the other suggestions about the rewrite. However i was thinking to merge the two songs in one single song what do you think?.....Cry on me my angelAcross the point of the bootShe saw the forbiddenIt was midnightIt was one day before the rebirth whenShe saw black monks in whiteAnd the octagon all enclosed by the darknessthe red moon, all gleamingYeah, the red moon between bushes had a some kind of fearBut the brave angel without any fearSo much like a snake She saw them working for the darknessAway from the bushes, now get on the streetsThere, it was a windy blowing day still never mindSometimes when you feel better, there is a kind of magicYeahthere is a kind of magic andNothings care you,There could be coldThere could be snowThere could be windBut when you feels better, specially with two roses all the change is good for nothingWait, that dayIt was a day before the birth when I saw my angel.With just a smile she fashion me feel better, this is magic oh yeah!There could be coldThere could be snowThere could be windBut when you feels better, specially with two roses all the change is good for nothingBack in the recent daysthe dare angel pointed me out the past in the future and the future in the past What was that?It was only a dreamFor three times, just a dream.Cry on me this night for the last timeThe nightmare is coming to endListenThe dark is no more a troubleClose your eyesLook the lightTrust meThis time the right way is in front of youCry on me this night for the last timeThe dark will vanish into the lightFollow meGive me your handWake up from this long dreamCry on me this night for the last timeThe nightmare is coming to endLook the light of the seventh heavenThere the peace will be waiting for youJust, for youOnly for this time trust meGo in your heaven, the right place for youWhere everything is perfectCry on me this night for the last timeCry on meCry on me....I think now is finished

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by 53mph » Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:31 am

hekenu,Hi there.I'm English but living in Italy. I think it's very brave of you to try to tackle songs in English first but I think you need to either work with an English speaker on your lyrics before concidering them finished. Io non posso scrivere un canzone in Italiano perche il mio Italiano non e cosi bravo anche, seconda me, non c'e nesuno in Italia chi vuole sentire un canzone in Italiano scritto male, non? Il tuo inglese e bene ma non e ottimo. Hai bisogno to collaborare con qualcuno per mettere aposto gli errori. Ce sono tanti musicisti Italiano che scrivenon gli canzoni in inglese ma non che nessuno famoso che scrive in Inglese mezza bene.Look for an English collaborator to help you and I'd be interested to see some Italian lyrics.Good luck! Buona fortuna!

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by carr » Mon Mar 19, 2007 3:33 pm

What 53 mph said ..... I think

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by mikehelms » Fri Apr 13, 2007 1:09 pm

Hi... first let me say... I'm a newbe toooo!!!And everythisng theve said you should do!!!But don't let it discourage you!!!My suggestion would be to decide what it is!Rock OK!!!then check your rythem patternsBeat.. tempo ...and then check your syllabic rythem pattern against those...I would'nt combine the songs until I'd gotten with an english speaking person who could exspound on your intent in each song and in each line...Listen and learn... get two books!!English dictionary... and Thesaurus.. these are your tools!!!MichaelOh an I forgot to mention that 4 min. is a long song in todays Rock

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Re: Some songs from a newbie

Post by jeffe » Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:27 pm

There's something not quite right about this. If this is serious then.....If you write songs then my advice is that you write a load of them in Italian. You probably know your own language well, so first build some songs that are expressive and visual in Italian.I don't think you know the English language well enough to consistently create a set of lyrics with those properties.The first set of lyrics were extremely confusing to me. The description I read in a later post was actually good material for a song, but the lyrics fell short of showing that. The second set of lyrics were a little bit better.I don't know if you are a good songwriter or not. All I can surmise is that it doesn't come across well in English. To be expressive in any language, you have to be able to think in that language, without referring to your native language. I get the impression that you need to do that, and here's a good example:Your line:"Nothings care you".Should be the following."You care for nothing".The order in which you placed the words, was in the order you would use the words in Italian, which must mean that you thought it in Italian. Not English.Then there are lines such as:"the dare angel pointed me out the past in the future"I don't understand that line at all. If you said those words in Italian, in that order then they would probably have great meaning.Here's some old statistics I read a good few years ago.To get by in the English language, you need to know about 5,000 words.The English language has over 40,000 words of it's own.The English language use over 140,000 other words borrowed from different languages.I might be criticised for saying that to you, but It will save you a lot of time. You are only twenty. You obviously understand English. Spend a few years living in the company of only English speaking people. You will be amazed at how well you will be able to speak and express English in that time. If you have no choice. You have to adapt.Lastly.Keep on writing. A lot of composers on here have written hundreds of songs. Italians have a great way of expressing intense emotions. If you can successfully bring that over to the English language then that would be worth listening to.
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