Song Critique please?

[dannydep]

Besides getting a real singer to sing this song, what else do you feel it would need in order to get a forward?

http://www.dandepolito.com/MP3s/Success_Tk6.mp3
------------------------------
Sittin' by the fireplace
My thoughts wandered off.
Sneakin' back thru history
the clock seemed to scoff.

Got to thinkin' just how different
Life might have been for me.
Could have been most anything
Successful ,worry free.

Is success found in money
Or in a corporate scheme
Does being the smartest man on earth
Guarantee ends to meet?
Or is it found inside the heart
Where ever that might be.
For each man is it different
Does it truly set him free?

I called dad up on the phone
Feelin' a little low.
Asked if he regretted things
And what he had to show.

Been married 50 years
She's all I've had to hold.
Wouldn't trade a day with her
For everything in this world.

It's not found, in money
Nor in a corporate scheme.
And being the smartest man on earth
Could still end in defeat.
Success is found inside the heart
Where ever that might be.
For every man, yes it's different
It truly sets him free.

I reflected on my family
and what they mean to me.
My wife, and 2 children
are what set me free.

-------------------------------
Thanks in advance.
ciao, dan

[Penz2nz]

Dan,

Very, very nice music production. Voice ain't that bad.

Lyrics don't stand a chance. Too introspective, non conversational, and almost completely lacking universal appeal.

[ottlukk]

Dan:
Loved your voice, and I really thought there were some nice lyrics there. The song reeked with sincerity, and I mean that as a compliment. It would help if you'd post the lyrics; it's easier to give feedback (at least for me) if I can read the lyrics. Good luck & welcome!
Ott

[dannydep]

Dan,
Very, very nice music production. Voice ain't that bad.
Lyrics don't stand a chance. Too introspective, non conversational, and almost completely lacking universal appeal.

Hi Wayne,
Thanks for the feedback.
Firstly, I should explain that the song was a collaboration with a lyricist as it is definitely my weakest point in songwriting.
Having said that, however, when I read the lyrics I felt a strong connection with the author and felt the story should be told.

I can definitely see where the lyric would lack universal appeal.

I’m not sure why you feel a lyric needs to be conversational, although the 2nd verse is conversational, no?

I’m also not sure what you mean by being “too introspective”.
Could you please elaborate on that?

Glad you enjoyed the music.
Thanks again.
Ciao, Dan

[dannydep]

Dan:
Loved your voice, and I really thought there were some nice lyrics there. The song reeked with sincerity, and I mean that as a compliment. It would help if you'd post the lyrics; it's easier to give feedback (at least for me) if I can read the lyrics. Good luck & welcome!
Ott

Hi Ott,
Randy J might have thought it was a bit pitchy and I would agree.
But based on your other comments I think I understand where you’re coming from.
If there is a sense of sincerity in the performance, you’ve at least made contact with the listener.
At least I hope that’s what you got out of it.
Otherwise I’m in trouble. What else it new.

Yes, I should have posted the lyrics and have done so.
Thanks for the kind words.
Ciao, Dan

[feaker66]

Dan

Beautiful song man.

The vox was masked a little though. Like it to come forward slightly.

I would consider this big sound tried with a whole different direction.

The lyrics almost don't belong with this. Each are very good, but it seems this
background shoud be used with a powerful topic.

Enjoyed the listen and nice to meet you.

Paul

[dannydep]

Dan
Beautiful song man.
The vox was masked a little though. Like it to come forward slightly.
I would consider this big sound tried with a whole different direction.
The lyrics almost don't belong with this. Each are very good, but it seems this
background shoud be used with a powerful topic.
Enjoyed the listen and nice to meet you.
Paul

Thanks Paul,
You mean you sensed a bit of insecurity especially at the beginning in the low range of my voice.
Lord knows there’s enough tension in the world today to warrant a “big sound… powerful” song.
I'll keep that in mind and perhaps get really really really really lucky and write a song for Josh Groban.
Glad you enjoyed it and likewise.
Ciao, Dan

[Penz2nz]

Dan,
Very, very nice music production. Voice ain't that bad.
Lyrics don't stand a chance. Too introspective, non conversational, and almost completely lacking universal appeal.

Hi Wayne,
Thanks for the feedback.
Firstly, I should explain that the song was a collaboration with a lyricist as it is definitely my weakest point in songwriting.
Having said that, however, when I read the lyrics I felt a strong connection with the author and felt the story should be told.

I can definitely see where the lyric would lack universal appeal.

I’m not sure why you feel a lyric needs to be conversational, although the 2nd verse is conversational, no?

I’m also not sure what you mean by being “too introspective”.
Could you please elaborate on that?

Glad you enjoyed the music.


Thanks again.
Ciao, Dan

Dan,

Yes the conversational tone is there in the second verse but like most of the song it is a conversation where the singer is conversing with himself, about himself and the fact that it is focused on this one mans perspective about his own life and condition will in most (not all) cases take it out of the realm of universal appeal.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&sour ... e&gs_rfai=

Please understand that I am not saying this is a bad song. It is not. As a lifelong songwriter and broadcast music director my critiques are skewed toward the "commercial market" appeal of a song. I assume (which often gets me in trouble) that most items posted here are seeking a path to the mass market.

There were many songs that came across my desk over the years that I liked listening to, but putting them on the air would have ended my career.

[dannydep]

Dan,

Yes the conversational tone is there in the second verse but like most of the song it is a conversation where the singer is conversing with himself, about himself and the fact that it is focused on this one mans perspective about his own life and condition will in most (not all) cases take it out of the realm of universal appeal.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&sour ... e&gs_rfai=

Please understand that I am not saying this is a bad song. It is not. As a lifelong songwriter and broadcast music director my critiques are skewed toward the "commercial market" appeal of a song. I assume (which often gets me in trouble) that most items posted here are seeking a path to the mass market.

There were many songs that came across my desk over the years that I liked listening to, but putting them on the air would have ended my career.

Hi Wayne,
I appreciate your candor and roll in the music business, which is why I would like to understand your point about being “too introspective”.
I write something (lyrics in this case) because I need to express an opinion about something or someone that affects how I feel.
Don’t all songwriters do that? We want to tell our stories.
When I sit down to write lyrics, I don’t have a frame of reference that I want others to understand what I am saying.
But I agree 100% that if others do understand and more importantly feel (by sympathy or empathy) the story that a songwriter is telling, that’s when you have a possible “commercial” hit.

Does it matter whether or not it is being told from a first person or third person point of view?
I really would like to improve the lyrics that I write and also those that I try to put music too.
If I may use one of my favorite songwriter’s, Sting as an example, many of his songs are introspective.
“It’s Probably Me”
“Dead Man’s Rope”
“If I Ever Lose My Faith” (my anthem)
“Every Breath You Take” (Okay, I’ll admit that this one might be too introspective)

Sorry for being so long winded but why do you feel the lyrics are “too introspective”?
Thanks once again for your comments.
Ciao, Dan

[Penz2nz]

Ciao, Dan

As the old guy said in Cool Hand Luke, "What we have here, is a failure to communicate."

The lack of commercial viability (which is my focus here) is the fact that the introspective nature of the lyric is too, specifically focused, and therefore lacks universal appeal.

In the opening two verses the singer is contemplating "his" life and condition. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but when you do that as a writer you must be sure to focus on those aspects of your life that are universally shared. Mention life as a cog in the corporate gear and you lose the average blue collar laborer, farmer, student, etc. etc.

You drive the last nail in this coffin with the last verse which mentions "my family" no problem here, but "my two children and my wife" eliminates anyone who doesn't live a life exactly matching that scenario.

Also: I don't consider "Every Breath You Take" an introspective song. Sting's (The Police) focus is not on himself, it's on that crazy chick he's hung up on.