Sophisticated Lyrics???

[Hookjaw Brown]

I just received a critique back that was encouraging and discouraging at the same time. The listener said in part:

The production is very good. Fits the mood of the song. (9)
The song is right on the money.
Melody supports the whole structure. (9)
The song deserves a much more sophisticated lyric. .........The lyric slides into the cliche' trap and never recovers. (ouch!) (7)

The listener suggests that "the lyrics need to be as sophisticated as the arrangement. The lyric has to be conversational. You are borderline poetry in places. Reach out to the provocative side. Be daring with the lyric. The whole package has to slap us around the room."

The lyrics are
ne Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you


Sittin on a bench
Overlooking the beach
Watching the gulls fly low.....

And I look in your eye
Those big blue eyes
Blue as the ocean Sky.......

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you


The sea breeze is blowing
It’s a sunny sunset
An the moon is setting Low..........
And your eyes are telling me
Loving what you see
And I sing Low.......

Interlude

You’re everything
I’ve been longing for
You’re everything too me....
When we touch
My heart skips a beat
Knock me off my feet.....

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

You can hear it on my taxi music page - "One Fine Night"

There are only three verses to make a "slap me around the room" type of statement. I am no stuck as to which way to take this. It works well in performance now, but would love to reach out and slap someone.

[prinefan]

I feel your pain.

I initially joined Taxi because I'd written a song that I just KNEW was perfect for a certain listing. The song was returned and the reviewer basically said it was deep fried and dripping in cliche's.

Now I don't just say it, I say it with granularity.

[waltl]

Hookjaw,

Here's my take and some suggested lines. Basically, I think you need to replace the cliches with real strong, maybe exaggerated, even outrageous lines.

V1: The first 4 lines work -- they set the scene in a specific concrete way.

Sittin on a bench
Overlooking the beach
Watching the gulls fly low.....

And I look in your eye (should be "eyes"?)
Those big blue eyes (cliche)
Blue as the ocean Sky....... (cliche)

How about --

And I look in your eyes,
Those killer blue eyes,
Man, I want to cry

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you

V2
The sea breeze is blowing (breezes blow)
It’s a sunny sunset (cliche - sunsets usually are sunny)
An the moon is setting Low.......... (can the moon be setting when the sun is setting?)

These lines are excellent:

And your eyes are telling me
Loving what you see
And I sing Low.......

V3
You’re everything
I’ve been longing for (cliche)
You’re everything too me.... (cliche)
When we touch
My heart skips a beat (cliche)
Knock me off my feet..... (cliche)

How about --

When we touch
My heart stops beating.
Honey, don't keep me waiting.

Walt

[Hookjaw Brown]

Hey Walt,

Great tear down...I had to walk away from the comp and laugh at myself a while. Those lines were rather silly. Sometimes getting the melody and chords and such together and some lines takes a lot of getting together. Makes it hard to take a real close look at the cliches'.

I see where you are going with your suggestions.

"And I look in your eyes,
Those killer blue eyes,
Man, I want to cry

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you"

Actually makes more sense lyrically. The line "Those killer blue eyes" could be something non rhyming also like
"And I Look in your eyes
staring at my soul
Man, I want to cry" or something such.

The critique said that we were getting poetic rather than lyrical.

Thanks for your help. I now have some scratching to do (head and paper).

[waltl]

Hookjaw,

Glad you found the comments helpful. I occasionally post in Peer to Peer (username=waltl). I am also collaborating with Dick Klein (slowdance) and he posts in Peer to Peer.

We would appreciate your checking out our songs if you have a chance.

Walt

[jonathansorensen]

Hi Hookjaw,

I have a similar problem as I'm sure many do. Sometimes the cliche flows perfectly and something grittier doesn't sing as well. I don't know if it helps since this song is already put together but a writer once recommended to me that I write the lyrics first, that once the lyrics were beautiful and well spoken, the music and melody practically wrote itself. I'm a musician so this is backwards for me. I usually write the music, melody and phrasing and then fill in the lyrics but, at this point, I have to admit, the best songs I've written were songs where I wrote the lyrics first, made sure I'd eliminated cliches and gotten the images and meaning I wanted.

You might try it as an exercise.

Best,
Jon

Hey Walt,

Great tear down...I had to walk away from the comp and laugh at myself a while. Those lines were rather silly. Sometimes getting the melody and chords and such together and some lines takes a lot of getting together. Makes it hard to take a real close look at the cliches'.

I see where you are going with your suggestions.

"And I look in your eyes,
Those killer blue eyes,
Man, I want to cry

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be One fine night with you"

Actually makes more sense lyrically. The line "Those killer blue eyes" could be something non rhyming also like
"And I Look in your eyes
staring at my soul
Man, I want to cry" or something such.

The critique said that we were getting poetic rather than lyrical.

Thanks for your help. I now have some scratching to do (head and paper).

[Hookjaw Brown]

Hi Jon,

Songwriting with a partner is interesting, he will hear a lick I am playing and grab a pencil and start jotting lyrics. Then the fun starts.

Other times we write the lyrics and design the melody around them. Both ways work and occasionally end in back alleys, mugged and tossed in a dumpster.

[bucyboy]

Do you have the demo posted anywhere? I didn't see it on you Taxi page, but maybe I just missed it.

Buc

[Hookjaw Brown]

Hey Buc,

I just uploaded a rough mix with the new vocals to my Taxi page.

[Hookjaw Brown]

The revised lyrics are:


One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you


Sittin on a bench
Overlooking the beach
Watching the gulls fly low.....

And I look in your eyes
Those killer blue eyes
Makes me want to cry.......

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you


The moon's coming up
It’s a rosy sunset
The wind is in your hair.....
And your eyes are telling me
Loving what you see
So glad you're there.....

Interlude

You’re everything
I’ve been longing for
You’re everything too me....
When we touch
My heart skips a beat
Knock me off my feet.....

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you

One Fine Night
One Fine Night
Gonna be
One fine night with you