Suburban Death

[montster]

This was written some years ago and I'm giving it a "revival"Obvious Work In Progress(Vox, Bass, Drums all need work)Looking for lyrical content and arrangement feedback. Also, stylewise, what is it ? the punkpop thing is all that comes to mind....Interested to submit for current listing due in a few weeksAll help/comments apprec. Thanks guyslyrics below and listen @:http://www.myspace.com/earthtoneproductionsongsClick on Suburban Death

[milfus]

has a surf rock feel honestly, like the cali style rock, the vocals are really loose, and its hard to sense the transitions, except maybe the solo, I would look into varrying it some more.I think the lyrics are a little aimless, theres not a very strong sense of progression, I would re-tool them with just one thought in mind, you are covering a hell of alot of diff points here. also your time tenses are all over the place. theres some more but more eloquent people than me will dissect it. but i think with some more variance, and a more focused re-write that keeps the time frame locked, maybe look up a few synonyms (lost, is used like 5 times) and just find some good non generic adjectives to color it up some, it could shape up, the concept has potential definitely, that mass appeal factor is there

[montster]

New LyricsSUBURBAN DEATHV1.Comin’ down from another year of bein’ lostwish I could find some help wish I could find a way to stop myselffrom losin’ touch with what I used to think to think was realbut it’s not any moreEveryone around me is just as gone in their little world smokin’ budsand hiding in plastic happiness that comes and goesjust like the cars that stop at traffic lightsPreChorus Concrete all around as far as I can see when I finally get home and turn on my TV I can’t believe I just accept what it is they’re tellin’ me (3.) I can’t believe I won’t accept what it is they’re tellin’ meChorusI don’t want to die without-asking questions-finding answersI don’t want to live in darknessI don’t want to die suburban deathV2.Goin’ into another year consumed by lust just like before just like it always was but now it’s different.I’ve searched and found the door it’s up to me not to be frightened to walk through it.Everyone around me still as gone but now I seethe plastic happiness and their little worlds so full of emptiness and miserythat world I thought I loved not anymore

[montster]

Re worked some ideas from your suggestions, Milfus. I also tried to tie it up in V2. so it's not as "aimless" as you mentioned.Hoping to clean stuff up with the production soon to meet the deadline.Thanks for the tips! Monty

[milfus]

yeah theres a clearer pre-chorus, thats cool, and the verse transition is pretty clear, yeah all your transitions are pretty nice now, its def a step in the right direction, oh cheap trick tip, chorus the title, like just put some over dubs under suburban death like in the pre-chorus, probly pop it out real nice, good job man, you really improved the song

[montster]

I got even further as I really thought about the message. Changed stuff in the pre choruses.............SUBURBAN DEATHV1.Comin’ down from another year of bein’ lostwish I could find some help wish I could find a way to stop myselffrom losin’ touch with what I used to think to think was realbut it’s not any moreEveryone around me is just as gone in their little world smokin’ budsand hiding in plastic happiness that comes and goesjust like the cars that stop at traffic lightsPreChorus 1. Concrete all around what else left in the view? We struggle to get home to space out on the tube To sit there and just accept what it is they’re tellin’ you 2. Concrete all around What happened to the trees News man has it Live on Channel 13 Just sit there burn another one, what are you gonna’ do? 3. Concrete all around far as the eye can see when I finally get home I’ll burn up my TV I ‘m done, believe I won’t accept what it is they’re tellin’ meChorusI don’t want to die without-asking questions-finding answersI don’t want to live in darknessI don’t want to die suburban deathV2.Goin’ into another year consumed by lust just like before just like it always was but now it’s different.I’ve searched and found the door it’s up to me not to be frightened to walk through it.Everyone around me still as gone but now I seethe plastic happiness and their little worlds so full of emptiness and miserythat world I thought I loved not anymore

[montster]

Vox w new lyrics posted @:http://www.myspace.com/earthtoneproductionsongsI got control of the phrasing and the rhythms of the words Next will be a redo of all trax except some of the guitarseverything is much cleaner now!!Thanks for listening..........Happy Holidaze