T.W.A.B.A.M.

[Casey H]

Maya
What is your goal with the song? Pitch to artists? Film/TV? Your own CDs and gigs? That's critical. (Posting the listing that screener was reviewing for would help)...

The assumption we make here is you are trying to write for commercial success from the POV of pitching to artists or film/TV. If you are writing for your own CDs, gigs, etc, you have way more leeway though some of the so called rules still apply. You want an audience to resonate with what you are saying.

The general rule of thumb for commercial songwriting, especially for newcomers, is "If you have to explain it hard, it's not working"...

Warmest,
Casey

[leadsynth]

The only other option is that this written in the voice of a person who's been burnt too much, and is scared of commitment, but the lyric doesn't address that in any way...

I think the lyric DOES address that: In the first line I say, "You could say that I'm a little bit jaded when it comes to love."

[leadsynth]

Maya
What is your goal with the song? Pitch to artists? Film/TV? Your own CDs and gigs? That's critical. (Posting the listing that screener was reviewing for would help)...

The assumption we make here is you are trying to write for commercial success from the POV of pitching to artists or film/TV. If you are writing for your own CDs, gigs, etc, you have way more leeway though some of the so called rules still apply. You want an audience to resonate with what you are saying.

The general rule of thumb for commercial songwriting, especially for newcomers, is "If you have to explain it hard, it's not working"...

Warmest,
Casey

Pitching to artists, yes. And I agree with you 100%!
I'm posting here so I can get some specific feedback about what doesn't work. The screener's comments were too vague to be very useful to me, but you all have helped tons! I've already started rewriting it.

[Kolstad]

The only other option is that this written in the voice of a person who's been burnt too much, and is scared of commitment, but the lyric doesn't address that in any way...

I think the lyric DOES address that: In the first line I say, "You could say that I'm a little bit jaded when it comes to love."

Yes, you may be right. Like I wrote, my reading of the lyric was pretty cliché, and certainly is not the only valid opinion, if valid at all. So it's just what I think. add all the posts up, and you'll have a fuller picture of the reception.

[Casey H]

Maya
If that is the case, my opinion is you should do a major re-write, not just a few tweaks. Step back and think what songwriting guru Ralph Murphy always asks, "What's in it for the young woman driving to work at 7:30AM?" (paraphrase)... Write a song that a young woman driving to work in the morning can't stop singing along with as she thinks about a special guy, either real or imagined.

Although it would be a bit cliché, your chorus would fit well with "There will never be another you".... A totally different concept of course. Or you could stay on the "empowerment" thing, just make it much more clear and universal.

Warmest,
Casey

Maya
What is your goal with the song? Pitch to artists? Film/TV? Your own CDs and gigs? That's critical. (Posting the listing that screener was reviewing for would help)...

The assumption we make here is you are trying to write for commercial success from the POV of pitching to artists or film/TV. If you are writing for your own CDs, gigs, etc, you have way more leeway though some of the so called rules still apply. You want an audience to resonate with what you are saying.

The general rule of thumb for commercial songwriting, especially for newcomers, is "If you have to explain it hard, it's not working"...

Warmest,
Casey

Pitching to artists, yes. And I agree with you 100%!
I'm posting here so I can get some specific feedback about what doesn't work. The screener's comments were too vague to be very useful to me, but you all have helped tons! I've already started rewriting it.