Temptation

[feaker]

I was driving home from my part time part time job and was daydreaming about having an affair. Never had one in my 38 years of married life, but in the next few moments found myself trying to keep the truck straight and scribbling down some lyrics.This song is very old-fashioned and pretty slow-moving.I have been very fortunate to get some great technical comments on some of my previous posts. Because of a lack of expertise, I can only respond to other artists with only praise. When previously confronted with a challenge, I would simply shift gears and "git er done", but lately there has been a lot of gear grinding. Thanks to all that have helped me. PaultemptationYou came along and took me so by surpriseI never knew it till I looked in your eyesTell me what should I doI’m falling in love with youI took a vow to have and to holdTo pledge my life until we got oldTell me what should I doI’ve fallen in love with youSometimes love grows cold with timeIt couldn’t happen to meEyes meet eyes, then a kissYou brought me to my kneesLeadNow you’ve gone, I’ll never be rightI’ve seen your face, again in the nightTell me what should I doI’m still in love with youSometimes love grows cold with timeIt couldn’t happen to meEyes meet eyes, then a kissYou brought me to my kneeshttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=100433&stream=1

[hummingbird]

The lyrics feel like a good first draft, but I think you can go deeper. I don't know when I read the lyrics, who you are talking to - the person offering temptation, the person who tempted you into marrying them... it's not clear. I know you hear it all the time in songwriting and it can drive you crazy, but don't show, tell.After the reading the lyric, I have no picture in my mind of the characters in this play. I don't see your struggle to stay true to the person waiting at home, and I don't see why you are tempted... what the other person offers that is so powerful. Why does her kiss bring you to your knees? You have to think deeply about what would make you break your 38-year vows / fall in love with someone else, and show us how that feels (use personal experience to inspire something universally understood). Lovely vocals/harmonies & music. Work on the words & post again - I'd love to hear your next draft.suggest... startingI took a vow to have and to holdTo pledge my life until we got oldSHE came along and took me so by surpriseI never (SHOULD HAVE LOOKED IN HER DEVIL) eyesTEMPTATION(I should have been stronger)TEMPTATIONetcHTHHummin'bird

[feaker]

Hi Vikki. Of all the folks that might have answered my post, I hoped it would be you. Feels like I hit the lottery I guess the most exciting part is that you thought that this song had some promise. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be attraced to another woman, accidently fall in love with her, share the most wonderful kiss you had ever had, and then realize you could never cheat on your wife. Hence the title "temptation". I will go back now and try to paint a more vivid picture. Your time and comments are surely appreciated. Maybe somehow, someway I can someday pay you back. Sincerely Paul

[geo]

Hey Paul, you got a good start here (next time pull off the road ), but HB made some good points...TEMPTATION(I should have been stronger)TEMPTATIONetcExpand on this for your hook... the song name should be prominant in the song.I look at songs like short stories, you want to set up the action, get to the meat of the subject and then wrap the whole thing up in a bow, all in 3:30!! Draw on things around you for inspiration, take, I dunno, the check out girl and the store manager, now put them in your song, ie. You're the manager, happily married but working late one night things get a little hot, but you can't go through, she feels rejected, moves on and you're left with this strange heart ache. Start expanding on your original idea, bring in guilt over betraying a loving wife etc. Or it could be a woman you see at the gas station... the what if, lotta different ways to tell the same story.Your production sounds good, very clean, but I think the drums could come up a smidge and I like the song, is it a new one? Good job, GeoP.S. Check your PM

[feaker]

Hi Geo. The drums are the pits. I use a roland drum machine and then throw in some rolls between verses. Didn't get a drummer because I thought this song wasn't going anywhere.I wrote this song a couple of years ago (my first one). I had a buddy sing it on a sm58. I just built a nice vocal booth and have a great mic. Will have to get him back after I change the song structure. He is a good friend and sings well between three and five beers. Take care and thanks Geo

[geo]

Quote:He is a good friend and sings well between three and five beers. Take care and thanks GeoA vocalist I can afford!!!