The Colour Of Day

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whatsoname
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The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Mon Sep 28, 2009 12:14 am

Give it to me. I can take it. Positive feedback accepted too.THE COLOUR OF DAY (revised version 1/10/2009)© 2009 Richard JacksonVERSEWhen a girl smiles on back you knowDon’t leave her dangling so - What else is there to do? CLIMBA rose for you CHORUSThe shade of your cheeks In your smileThey’ve coloured my dayWhat’s your name?Let me tell you mineVERSEShe now thinks he could be the oneI must remember this some - Grab a table for twoCLIMBA kiss for youCHORUSThe shade of your eyes Staring backThey’ve coloured my dayWhat’s your name?Let me tell you mineOUTTROThe smile on her face says it all so perfectlyThe smile on her face says it all so perfectly

watksco
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by watksco » Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:46 pm

Hi Richard,You don't actually use 'the colour of day' in the lyric - as it's your title that would be something to consider.Not sold on 'the shade' - might be a good place to start using the word colour - as shade has two meanings - he could be 'in the shade' of her cheeks - which has all sorts of implications Scott
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whatsoname
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Tue Sep 29, 2009 11:16 pm

Finally. Somebody has responded. Thanks.You're right. Most commercial songs do have titles that are a simple hook in the song. It makes it easier then for the consumer to remember what song to buy when they're at the record store or even online. But then the title's not hard to change if I had that opportunity.I see your point about "shade". If somebody's in the shade they aren't in the light. Certainly the word shade has those connotations and may stand out in audio as that even if the phrase is talking "the shade of your cheeks" rather than "in the shade of your cheeks". I actually didn't really think the word "shade" was strong because it can imply black and white rather than colour. So maybe a revision of that word is definitely in order.Off the top I could change it to:"...the blush of your cheeks"Of course I would need to change the phrase for the second chorus too:"...the light in your eyes"Awesome. Thanks for the review. Feel free to tell me what you think of the changes.

watksco
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by watksco » Tue Sep 29, 2009 11:58 pm

Yeah I'd work on getting a solid chorus happening - which means a solid idea i.e. what is this song really about? - then you'll need to do some development of the verses etc.Scott
"Art is never finished, just left in interesting places" Van Gogh

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whatsoname
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Wed Sep 30, 2009 12:46 am

Well gee...and for a minute there I thought you actually got what the song was all about.Thanks for the review.

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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by watksco » Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:28 pm

Sept 30, 2009, 3:46am, whatsoname wrote:Well gee...and for a minute there I thought you actually got what the song was all about.Thanks for the review. I get that it's a guy meeting a girl - but what does 'you coloured my day' mean? You haven't made that clear in the song. What colour did she use? Was it good or bad that she coloured his day? And your title -'The colour of day' - what is the colour of day? blue? grey? Was he black and white (grey?) before then?There's a lot of great lyric opportunity/potential in there for you to play with - but so far you've left most of it unsaid. You're verses are pretty short at the moment - so there's room to grow it out.Scott
"Art is never finished, just left in interesting places" Van Gogh

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whatsoname
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Wed Sep 30, 2009 5:27 pm

I'm surprised you're not aware of the metaphor of colour in a picture. It is commonly used on commercial television. In fact that's how I'm aware of it.But I'm always willing to take anybodies comments on board. And you've made some good points. Thanks again.

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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Wed Sep 30, 2009 6:31 pm

Give it to me. I can take it. Positive feedback accepted too.THE COLOUR OF DAY (revised version 1/10/2009)© 2009 Richard JacksonVERSEWhen a girl smiles on back you knowDon’t leave her dangling so - What else is there to do? CLIMBA rose for you CHORUSThe shade of your cheeks In your smileThey’ve coloured my dayWhat’s your name?Let me tell you mineVERSEShe now thinks he could be the oneI must remember this some - Grab a table for twoCLIMBA kiss for youCHORUSThe shade of your eyes Staring backThey’ve coloured my dayWhat’s your name?Let me tell you mineOUTTROThe smile on her face says it all so perfectlyThe smile on her face says it all so perfectly

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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by wta » Wed Sep 30, 2009 7:25 pm

Not sure what "CLIMB" means? Mmm, I love the concept of a woman's face "coloring a man's day", I get it and like it. Hard to give feedback on this, it's feels pretty out of the box to me and without a music/melody for me its even trickier HOWEVER "What's your name" and Let me Tell you mine feels out of place to me, not specific to the main chorus issue of coloring a man's day...
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whatsoname
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Re: The Colour Of Day

Post by whatsoname » Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:37 pm

Yes. I'm not sure that we are on the same level but even so your ideas could work too.

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