The Old Me Is Naked

[DonnaMarilyn]

Another lyric for constructive feedback. Have at it, folks.

Not sure of genre. Perhaps something in a jazz vein?

UPDATE: New bridge in place.

Donna

The Old Me Is Naked

V1
The new me's wearing trousers
And a flow chart's on her desk
She’s working to a deadline
The scheduling a mess

Pre-chorus
Yet I often lift my eyes
From formulas and graphs
To peer into my past
Where…

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

V2
The new me's wearing blouses
That button to the neck
They're cotton now, not satin
And they earn a grim respect

Pre-chorus
Yet I often sit and cry
When days fly by too fast
And I drift into the past
Where…

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

Bridge
I found a ‘to-do’ list we made
Funny how it didn't say
Beware of future dangers
Like break up and act like strangers

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

All tangled up with you
Tangled, oh tangled
All tangled up with you

© 2012 Donna Devine

[simonsays]

Hi Donna,
I think you've got another really good one here! Only one thing stood out for me.
Steve

Another lyric for constructive feedback. Have at it, folks.

Not sure of genre. Perhaps something in a jazz vein?

Donna

The Old Me Is Naked

V1
The new me's wearing trousers
And a flow chart's on her desk
She’s working to a deadline
The scheduling a mess

Pre-chorus
Yet I often lift my eyes
From formulas and graphs
To peer into my past
Where…

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

V2
The new me's wearing blouses
That button to the neck
They're cotton now, not satin
And they earn a grim respect

Pre-chorus
Yet I often sit and cry
When days fly by too fast
And I drift into the past
Where…

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

Bridge
I found the ‘to-do’ list we made
Before I scented danger
Funny how (we) didn’t (write) [This bridge reads as a third verse to me. (It has the same # of lines, and the same rhyme scheme.) Adding something like (say? or display?) here might work.]
‘Break up and act like strangers’

Chorus
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you
Under a quilted blanket
That’s mystery stained and blue
Kissing till we’re breathless
Believing love is deathless
The old me is naked
Tangled up with you

All tangled up with you
Tangled, oh tangled
All tangled up with you

© 2012 Donna Devine

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks, Steve.

Good point re the bridge. I'd completely overlooked it having the same rhyming pattern.

In fact, I've never been totally enamoured of that bridge, especially line 2.

I wonder if this works better?

Bridge
I found a ‘to-do’ list we made
Funny how it didn't say
Beware of future dangers
Like break up and act like strangers

Donna

[simonsays]

Donna,
I like this new bridge a lot. It's much smoother to my ears, and the changed rhyme scheme does
make it stand out as a bridge. It would be nice if some other folks would chime in on some of these posts ... so you could get some more feedback.
Steve

Thanks, Steve.

Good point re the bridge. I'd completely overlooked it having the same rhyming pattern.

In fact, I've never been totally enamoured of that bridge, especially line 2.

I wonder if this works better?

Bridge
I found a ‘to-do’ list we made
Funny how it didn't say
Beware of future dangers
Like break up and act like strangers

Donna